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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rape jokes - AIBU?

131 replies

dalecooper · 02/02/2023 16:25

I feel a bit shaken and want to know if I have just made a massive deal out of nothing or if I was justified.
I was talking to a male friend who I have not seen for ages and who I used to go out with for a bit a long while ago. We get on really well and he is generally a really sound guy.
We were talking about men coming onto women and he made a joke about how women dress and I said that sounded predatory. He said that was the joke and he was being sarcastic but he got that I didn't want to hear it and he wouldn't say anything like that again but in the next breath made another flippant comment about rape. Not saying he agreed with it or anything, just a flippant comment which I didn't like.

I said no women find rape jokes funny and that men shouldn't either.
He backed off but then said actually some women DO find it funny and that I should not appoint myself spokeswoman for my gender.

This made me really angry. I thought about it for about an hour and then messaged him to say any man that makes rape jokes or is so casual about it has real issues and that NO women do find rape jokes funny and I was not trying to be any kind of spokeswoman.

I ended by saying to him "Don't contact me again". I have not heard from him since - but it has only been about 45 minutes...

DO any women really find rape jokes funny? I cannot honestly believe that any woman would. Would you have reacted in the same way? Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
heldinadream · 02/02/2023 16:28

Not unreasonable at all. Just healthy instincts and good boundaries.
He has shown you who he is. I'm sorry you've lost someone you considered a friend.

Catsrcool69 · 02/02/2023 16:29

Definitely not unreasonable! I find rape jokes repugnant and have been appalled at how common they are among boys and young men. Both my now grown up DDs had occasions when they came home upset as teenagers as a result of their male friends making these jokes in front of them. To me, it's part of the more toxic end of male culture.

Iam4eels · 02/02/2023 16:30

Sometimes women laugh along because it's better than upsetting someone who will potentially kick off.

When someone (usually a man) makes an offensive joke like that I usually say I don't get it. They explain it. I will say I still don't get it. They'll explain again. Nope, still don't get it. Then I just sit back while they tie themselves in knots trying to explain exactly what is so comedic about whatever it is they're joking about.

AsIfIWish · 02/02/2023 16:32

I'm sure there are SOME women who find them funny, but I assure you they are few and far between (and probably don't genuinely think that anyway...)

The trouble with rape jokes is not just that they are horrible to hear, but that they enforce rape culture and the idea that rape is ok! 😡

TaRaDeBumDeAy · 02/02/2023 16:34

I depends on your sense of humour doesn't it. I don't think anyone can speak for everyone on any subject.

pinkdelight · 02/02/2023 16:36

I'd generally say nothing's off-limits for a joke and humour is super subjective. Think it wasn't that helpful making this into a 'all women' argument that you can't possibly win instead of focusing on what you found unacceptable about the joke. You've just given him a way to discount you as being unreasonable by appointing yourself as spokesperson etc etc so he's missing the moral point entirely. So forget about whether all women do or don't find some, any or all rape jokes funny or not. No one can possibly say, including you and him. But his joke was unacceptable to you and if that doesn't give him pause, he's not worth being a friend with.

LexMitior · 02/02/2023 16:36

Goodbye, misogynist. Don't be friends with people like this.

It reflects on you ultimately

Ponoka7 · 02/02/2023 16:39

He's no longer a friend. He's playing strange mind games. I wouldn't bother staying in contact.

007DoubleOSeven · 02/02/2023 16:41

then said actually some women DO find it funny and that I should not appoint myself spokeswoman for my gender.

I would actually be angrier about this and I get angry enough at rape jokes

Ofcourseshecan · 02/02/2023 16:42

Trigger warning.
One of my sexual-assault experiences included being knocked down, punched and kicked, then grabbed by the neck and my head rammed against a wall several times, then the attacker knelt on my back, grabbed my hair and jerked my head backwards several times presumably trying to break my back.
I survived (with injuries) because he panicked and ran off.
I know, hilarious. But like the OP, I just don’t seem to get rape jokes.

LoobyDop · 02/02/2023 16:43

My tolerance has lowered significantly in the last couple of years, and things I would have laughed at before, I wouldn’t now.

I have to say, it’s a bit inconsistent to tell someone rape jokes are unacceptable (however right you are) and simultaneously be annoyed that he’s respecting the boundary you’ve set in telling him not to contact you.

HiccupHorrendousHaddock · 02/02/2023 16:45

Anyone telling rape jokes is an idiot and a misogynist.

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 16:46

I would tend to point out that at least one in seven women are likely to have been raped, so it's a risky subject to joke about.

MelchiorsMistress · 02/02/2023 16:48

Impossible to judge without knowing exactly was said. Sometimes awful things are funny in a joke context and he’s right that you don’t speak for every woman.

DarkShade · 02/02/2023 16:49

Humour is very subjective. I can find the odd joke on this funny, and I know other women who do as well. but the real problem is that you specifically told him that it makes you uncomfortable. My version of this is jokes about harm or death towards children. It's not that I don't accept that some people laugh at jokes on this subject - although I can't relate at all - but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who didn't care after I'd told them.

Original poster
dalecooper · 02/02/2023 16:50

You misunderstand me LoobyDop - I just wondered if he might try to justify it again or say he thought I was being unreasonable or something else. I was not secretly hoping he would contact me. I wondered if he might be aghast or surprised at my response - or anything really.

I am certainly not annoyed about anything but the initial joke and the way that he said I was trying to be a spokeswoman for my gender.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2023 16:51

MelchiorsMistress · 02/02/2023 16:48

Impossible to judge without knowing exactly was said. Sometimes awful things are funny in a joke context and he’s right that you don’t speak for every woman.

If you've ever been sexually assualted you would find zero jokes about it funny.

Spiderplantation · 02/02/2023 16:55

There might be some women who find rape jokes funny due to internalised misogyny, or act as if they find it funny in order not to be a target themselves, or who might find specific jokes in a specific context that subverts the misogyny (not heard any such myself, just imagining the possibility), or who are identifying with the abusers (arguably we all do to an extent due to ubiquitous male gaze in our culture) or who are just plain unthinking or worse.

However, as others say above, what matters is that he didn't care that it upset you, he didn't respond well to being called out on his behaviour, and you did the right thing speaking up, being assertive and setting boundaries.

ChangingSpoons · 02/02/2023 16:56

I find on these kinds of posts, if the person in question had actually said something offensive then the OP tends to not intentionally omit what was actually said. It tends to be that either the OP refuses to say it so everyone assumes it must be awful or drip-feeds it and suddenly everyone says "oh, FFS, that's not even a rape joke".

You've said you're annoyed at the way that he said you were trying to be a spokeswoman for our gender but that is actually objectively true - that is actually what you were doing. Why are you offended by him saying so? It's not actually offensive of him to point it out.

LoobyDop · 02/02/2023 16:56

dalecooper · 02/02/2023 16:50

You misunderstand me LoobyDop - I just wondered if he might try to justify it again or say he thought I was being unreasonable or something else. I was not secretly hoping he would contact me. I wondered if he might be aghast or surprised at my response - or anything really.

I am certainly not annoyed about anything but the initial joke and the way that he said I was trying to be a spokeswoman for my gender.

Well, he might be aghast or surprised, or anything else. You don’t know, because you ruled out any further discussion. I don’t think you were wrong to do that, but there’s no point shutting a conversation down and then speculating about what the other person is thinking.

Original poster
dalecooper · 02/02/2023 16:58

Yeah I get what you are saying. I just did not see what else there could be to say. I was genuinelly shaken. Is that stupid?

OP posts:
DinnerThyme · 02/02/2023 16:59

YouJustDoYou · 02/02/2023 16:51

If you've ever been sexually assualted you would find zero jokes about it funny.

Show quote history

I'm a victim of rape. I was raped repeatedly by an adult family member when I was between the ages of 12 and 14. There are some jokes I find funny on the topic - humour and laughing is largely determined by surprise. Social taboos are a key component in most comedy. As with most jokes, timing and appropriate context is vital. Humour is also a coping mechanism for many abuse survivors. Please stop speaking for others - it's not your place.

picklemewalnuts · 02/02/2023 17:00

I'd be shaken I think, because I have a trauma history. I'd find it hard to respond and would be shocked that someone I previously trusted was that insensitive.

Bepis · 02/02/2023 17:00

I'm this scenario, no it is not funny. But me and DH have made comments to each other in a joke way in private and I don't have issue with that personally.

Bepis · 02/02/2023 17:01

*in