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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Rape jokes - AIBU?

131 replies

dalecooper · 02/02/2023 16:25

I feel a bit shaken and want to know if I have just made a massive deal out of nothing or if I was justified.
I was talking to a male friend who I have not seen for ages and who I used to go out with for a bit a long while ago. We get on really well and he is generally a really sound guy.
We were talking about men coming onto women and he made a joke about how women dress and I said that sounded predatory. He said that was the joke and he was being sarcastic but he got that I didn't want to hear it and he wouldn't say anything like that again but in the next breath made another flippant comment about rape. Not saying he agreed with it or anything, just a flippant comment which I didn't like.

I said no women find rape jokes funny and that men shouldn't either.
He backed off but then said actually some women DO find it funny and that I should not appoint myself spokeswoman for my gender.

This made me really angry. I thought about it for about an hour and then messaged him to say any man that makes rape jokes or is so casual about it has real issues and that NO women do find rape jokes funny and I was not trying to be any kind of spokeswoman.

I ended by saying to him "Don't contact me again". I have not heard from him since - but it has only been about 45 minutes...

DO any women really find rape jokes funny? I cannot honestly believe that any woman would. Would you have reacted in the same way? Was I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ofcourseshecan · 17/02/2023 23:37

Carlycat · 03/02/2023 01:32

I'd torch the fucker. Huge hugs to you Flowers.

Show quote history

Thanks, Carlycat. I never told anyone for many years. Starting to speak up now because of women's single-sex spaces being abolished. I want people to know why some of us can't cope with men being in spaces where we're vulnerable and it's meant to be women-only.
Women's solidarity is the best thing we've got. Wine to you.

pictoosh · 17/02/2023 23:41

pinkdelight · 02/02/2023 16:36

I'd generally say nothing's off-limits for a joke and humour is super subjective. Think it wasn't that helpful making this into a 'all women' argument that you can't possibly win instead of focusing on what you found unacceptable about the joke. You've just given him a way to discount you as being unreasonable by appointing yourself as spokesperson etc etc so he's missing the moral point entirely. So forget about whether all women do or don't find some, any or all rape jokes funny or not. No one can possibly say, including you and him. But his joke was unacceptable to you and if that doesn't give him pause, he's not worth being a friend with.

This.

Sometimeswinning · 17/02/2023 23:49

pictoosh · 17/02/2023 23:41

This.

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Does that include racists jokes? Are they off limits?

Lavender14 · 18/02/2023 00:04

I think it depends on who makes the joke, the context and the intent behind it. For example I've seen some female comedians make jokes about it that are clearly making the point that it's wrong and a problem etc and in that context I think for me it's ok. Although I also think it's delicate territory because that could still be triggering for someone who's experienced it. I don't think men are able to make that joke. It's like a white person joking about racism, very difficult to do without coming across like an arsehole but can be right on the money coming from someone with a different ethnicity. I think part of the problem is that most men don't recognise the power and privilege they hold naturally just by being them, so they think- I can say this because I'd never do that. But they don't understand the wider context can make them threatening by default.

Ofcourseshecan · 21/03/2023 18:52

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

NeedToChangeName · 21/03/2023 21:38

DarkShade · 02/02/2023 16:49

Humour is very subjective. I can find the odd joke on this funny, and I know other women who do as well. but the real problem is that you specifically told him that it makes you uncomfortable. My version of this is jokes about harm or death towards children. It's not that I don't accept that some people laugh at jokes on this subject - although I can't relate at all - but I wouldn't want to spend time with someone who didn't care after I'd told them.

@DarkShade I can't imagine finding any joke about rape amusing, in any way at all

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