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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to get really angry/upset/frustrated at unwanted pregnancies?????

115 replies

sl4634 · 07/02/2008 10:11

Getting me down :-(

Me and Hubby shouldnt have had baby number one.. and he shouldnt have survived but he did!!

He's 15 months now, and we desperatley want another.. but we've been told it probably wont happen..

My doctors words were infact " you should be glad you have one,some people dont get that much" which yes i agree... but he could perhaps have put it another way lol...

Anyway.. We're tryin and tryin but to no avail... And for personal reasons, i do want my children young so time is of the essence

Lately.. i have found myself with no sympathy and even getting resentful and angry at people who fall pregnany by accident.. or say this is the worst thing that could happen to them.. and people who say they are pregnant but dont want it..

There was a girl at work this mornin talking about the fact that she might be pregnant and how she would hate it..how it was the worst thing that could happen...I literally had to go to the loo's to have a bit of a cry...

We've worked out dates, ovulations bla bla and make sure we always "try" all the way through the 7 days around ovulation LOTS lol.. Then it just seems a smack in the face when someone has a one night stand on any random day and falls pregnant....

Am i being totally unreasonable?? Because its really getting to me now!!

Plesae don't slaughter me.. this is my first "own thread" on chat!!

OP posts:
milfAKAmonkeymonkeymoomoo · 07/02/2008 10:17

No YABU, I have a DD (took 20mths to conceive) had two MCs since then and no luck. I also feel resentful when people are really flippant about their pregnancy and even worse if they say they wished it hard never happened

UniversallyChallenged · 07/02/2008 10:18

Yab a little U as people's reaction to a baby on the way isnt always a happy one due to their personal lives, but given your circumstances I can understand why you feel that way.

georgedontdothat · 07/02/2008 10:19

yanbu my sister is the same way it makes her very

scotlass · 07/02/2008 10:21

No your not being unreasonable in the slightest. it's so unfair the way it works out sometimes. I have a lot of friends who have fertility problems and would make great parents but it just isn't happening and in work I see loads of people popping out babies constantly then asking for nursery places or getting the older kids to take care of the younger ones.

I can empathise with your situation cos we've just had our second miscarraige in a year and everyone keeps telling me that I'm lucky cos at least we've got DD8. Whilst I do feel grateful it doesn't stop the longing to add to your family and have another child. I keep telling myself if DD8 is all we have then we were blessed but you can't control your desires.

madamez · 07/02/2008 10:21

YOur feelings are totally understandable but other people's lives and choices are none of your business. Your feelings are your problem and your problems do not entitle you to have a go at anyone else. You do not know another person's circumstances after all, and this is usually how bigotry starts "all these stupid slags getting pregnant by accident, they're all binge drikers and benefit thieves and should all be locked up and have their babies forcibly adopted etc."

OracleInaCoracle · 07/02/2008 10:21

you are NOT being unreasonable. i can undersatnd how people would think you are, but its totally understandable to feel the way you do, i feel exactly the same way

bubblagirl · 07/02/2008 10:22

i dont mean to sound rude but stop trying so hard

sounds mad but i now know 2 families that when they decided to stop trying and started to relax they fell pregnant

i also was told couldnt have children i didnt dream of falling pregnant wasnt trying i now have ds 2.7

they do say if you put all your thoughts and get stressed then your body reacts negatively

so it would be worth atry in just being thankful that you have the one stop stressing yourself out make love for fun and seee what happens

stress can be huge factor for body reacting negative and you really need to think how lucky you are you have people probably screamin g out qwe would just love to have 1

i was one of them people but i have 1 would love another but i am keeping myself happy with the fact i could be saying i would love 1 and i have 1 so what will be will be

it would be worth maybe talking to someone on how you feel as the sooner you learn to relax and enjoy what you have the more chances you have of reaching your dream

good luck and remember people have there own reasons for not wanting unplanned pregnancies and its not for us to judge on that but due to your personal reasons you do need to try and relax and accept maybe that there may not be another chance and enjoy your ds his still so young

PeatBog · 07/02/2008 10:23

YANBU. It is difficult when people seem to take these things so lightly, or are not sure they can cope with another child. But it's just different people in different situations, trying to work out what's best for them. Doesn't make your feelings any easier.

Fingers crossed for you. With my first mc, the sonographer said 'well, it wasn't really a baby'

Gumbo · 07/02/2008 10:24

I know exactly what you mean. DS shouldn't have been born healthy/at all, but miraculously he's fine. I had 2 MCs last year, and since then DH has simply said he doesn't want to see me go through that again. Ever. So that's that.

It's heartbreaking, and I really have to dig extremely deep to be happy for friends who have 2nd/3rd babies now, knowing that DS will be an only child...

allgonebellyup · 07/02/2008 10:25

i guess it all depends on people's circumstances doesnt it?

i am one of those people who you dont like, (got pregnant 3 times by accident by age 23, then another - planned - on first month of trying)

i can see how painful it is to see pregnant people speaking flippantly about it though.. i had an abortion i regretted at 18 and all i could see were women with their gorgeous babies everywhere...

also my ex dh (who i still have strong feelings for) is having a baby with his new gf and i CANNOT look at pregnant women without blinking back tears)

OracleInaCoracle · 07/02/2008 10:26

bubblagirl, thats very easy to say. if i had a penny for everyone who told me to relax, or maybe i cant carry girls, or "you're trying too hard- i know someone who was infertile for 20y then had 7 babies in 2y" then id be worth a fortune. it doesnt work that way, i wish it did

Chequers · 07/02/2008 10:26

Message withdrawn

allgonebellyup · 07/02/2008 10:27

agree with bubblagirl..

People always seem to fall pregnant when they're not trying any more..

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/02/2008 10:27

I can understand your being upset, but YABU to get angry at other people's predicaments. You do not understand thier situation, and although it is very easy to judge others people as being feckless or whatever, it is simply not your place to do so.

Yes, it is unfair, but who said life was fair anyway? These people that you have mentioned may think that their situation is unfair as well. No matter what you would like, for some people an unwanted pregnancy is a life-ruining thing.

Even though you are in a place where a pregnancy would be celebrated, other people are not so fortunate, or inclined, it doesn't make your point of view more valid that theirs.

Baffy · 07/02/2008 10:27

It's understandable that you feel the way you do.

But nobody has the right to judge others. There are so many reasons why people fall pregnant and may not want, or even be able, to have that child. Some of those reasons are valid (recent thread on here where condom broke and they took the morning after pill and still got pregnant, or threads where having another baby, for health reasons, just isn't a feasible option).

I have no sympathy of course for people who take stupid risks and then fall pregnant and are unable to deal with that. But genuine accidents do happen. And people sometimes have very valid reasons for not wanting to go ahead with that pregnancy.

Therefore you are being a little bit unreasonable. Even though I understand why.

duchesse · 07/02/2008 10:28

Sometimes contraception fails.

Sometimes people make mistakes.

Sometimes they want to but don't dare say it out loud.

Somebody being accidentally pregnant with their child does not affect your chances of getting pregnant. And they will not give birth to your child.

It's not fair, but it's never going to be. Hang in there. Join us in the hut (unless you're there already) for cynical moos who no longer believe in magic dust (or whatever the crap du moment is...)

Chequers · 07/02/2008 10:30

Message withdrawn

GetOrfMoiLand · 07/02/2008 10:31

My previous post is more harshly worded than I intended - I do understand how upset you are, believe me after an ectopic and a couple of miscarriages I had to resign myself to having just the 1 dd. And I felt like absolute shit for ages. So you do have my sympathies and I wish you the best of luck

pistachio · 07/02/2008 10:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pukkapatch · 07/02/2008 10:35

to th eop.
i have had three accidents. using different types of contraceptions. my big sis and her dh cant have babies. they tried icse, and it didnt work. they were told there chances of conceiving were the same as winning the lottery. one in fifty billion i think it is. she used to feel like you have described when she found out a friend was pregnant. with my third i was too scared to tell her at first. but, and this is waht she says. this is what life has thrown at her, and it is what she must bear. yes, she feels like crap, but she has to focus on all the positives and try not to let herself get down by this one negative.
yab perfectly reasobnable feeling like this. but there is nothing you can do abou tit other than what you are already doing. please try and focus on the lo you already have and love him as much as you can.
as for the stupid idiots who talk about terminating, ignore them.

CrushWithEyeliner · 07/02/2008 10:37

I agree with bubbla you sound extremely uptight and stressed, you may have a desire to have children young but nature has a way of taking it's own path, it just may take a little time. If you relax and look at things from another point of view you will see that each PG carries it's own unique set of implications for each Woman - not always a welcome reaction at first but who knows how they will feel months down the line?
I think you should take some time to enjoy life, smell the Roses - you never know what might happen...

elliott · 07/02/2008 10:38

Yes, I understand where you are coming from. I used to get very upset when my friends got pregnant and I couldn't - it is a very painful thing to go through. And people can be very insensitive about it even if they know you are having difficulties - I think the pain of infertility is often underestimated (oh, and it is NOT helpful to be told 'you're trying too hard' 'just relax and you will get pregnant').
But it is true what duchesse said. For some people an accidental and unwanted pregnancy can be as disastrous and upsetting as your situation is to you. I'm not saying you need to be a saint and rub your nose in painful situations when you don't need to, I'm just saying you need to understand and allow yourself your own feelings, and try not to let it turn into anger and resentment at other people. Just find some friends who ARE sympathetic for your own support.

auntyspan · 07/02/2008 10:39

"as for the stupid idiots who talk about terminating, ignore them"

duchesse · 07/02/2008 10:41

Only people who are crassly insensitive or have never had trouble trying to conceive would tell someone to "just relax". Put simply, it's trite shite.

We could all if pushed quote some anecdotal evidence about what worked for someone we know, but the plural of anecdote is not data, nor is the experience of one person also the experience of another.

DoodleToYou · 07/02/2008 10:41

Message withdrawn

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