Friends thinking it's over at 35..

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I'm suddenly single at 35. It wasn't a great relationship. So now that I have actually left - I actually feel free and fine.

However, (some) of my friends look at me with terror and say things like "What if you never have kids.." " What if you don't meet someone" " It's a different game out there now"

It makes me feel like shit. So I guess I'm asking AIBU for being optimistic?
I do want kids... Should I be more pessimistic?

Keep feeling free and fine! Well done for getting out of a crappy relationship.

Wanting kids when single at 35 is not all roses, though. It's entirely possible, or it might not be. Equally you could have struggled to conceive when you were 25. You'll never know what the 'other' path might have looked like, because you're on this one.

A family might look different to what you envisaged in your early twenties. Being a mum to a new born at say 40 is no picnic. Being a step mum to some great kids with the right man can be a joy. Having a child on your own when you're happy, sorted and supported can be emancipating. You might meet someone tomorrow, fall in love and have beautiful babies. It's impossible to know.

Don't be too attached to an outcome. And don't let other people (specially those happily, or not, coupled up) burst your bubble and piss on your newly single and fabulous parade!

They’re not your friends. Your friends should want the best for you and they’re not doing that, they’re making you feel shit. And it’s nonsense of course. Anyone who thinks it’s game over at 35 is a divvy. And clearly not over 35. What thickets.

This

You’re going to get a lot of “you go girl” comments. You are better off free and happy than in a duff relationship. Your opportunities to have children are narrower than they were.

Consider:

1. Freezing your eggs.
2. Ending those friendships.
3. Financially planning for worst case scenarios such as using a donor to become a sole parent.

I'm over 35. I'm currently on step 3 myself

It's fine!! Don't panic. You are not an old spinster yet!

@AppelationStation What do you mean "having a newborn at 40 is no picnic"? I had my newborns at almost 43 and almost 47. OK, I would have preferred it to be earlier but things didn't work out that way. I can tell you, however, that I was perfectly able to look after both of them, and the newborn stages with the two of them were some of the happiest times of my life.

Sorry OP. The reality of it is hard. “Modern” dating is tough, and even more challenging when you’re over 30 (especially 35+). You’re friends are right.

If having a child is really important to you, I would go it alone.

Thanks for the honest comments - appreciate hearing different POV.

Honestly OP, enjoy the path you’re on. Life never turns out how you’ve planned it.

Allow yourself to to regret the things that don’t happen, but don’t dwell on it or let it define you.

To all your friends playing the what if game…eh fuck ‘em… remind them the what if game goes both ways and bd things can happen when all goes according to plan.

I met my at 31 and got married at 35, had children at 37 and 40. It was fine. Having children at 40 is fine. However I think I may have had a little more energy when younger but this hasn't really effected anything. You just have to move quite quickly now with life and if you meet someone else perhaps you wouldn't have a long engagement and may get down to business quicker because of your biological clock ticking if you know what I mean. But I think it's easier in a way when older as you know exactly what you want from a man. It'll be fine. Just have fun,! You'll meet someone else.

Be free and happy, embrace your new life, try new things. Living this way is more likely to invite new relationships than being down and yearning for something your friends think you should have.

Congratulations moving on from a rubbish relationship. Well done

I met my DP aged 35, and had DS aged 37. If we'd met younger, I expect we would have had a larger family

But, having worked fulltime until aged 37, we built up some savings, which is a comfort at the moment

It's also worth bearing in mind that meeting a partner young doesn't necessarily guarantee long term happiness. Several friends who settled down young now find themselves separated / widowed / in poor health / in abusive or unhappy relationships

I was single for longer than I would have chosen, but my DP was definitely worth waiting for. And, having been on my own before, I know I could do it again if I had to

In middle class circles it's fine and normal to have children later but if you are surrounded by people who had children in their 20s (or teens!) you will seem ancient by comparison.

At 35 I would consider that I might not have my own biological children and that I might not meet someone for a long time.

I wouldn't cut ties with those friends because I'd rather honest conversation than giving me lip service and then talking behind my back about how unrealistic I am. They aren't being malicious and I do think you need to be realistic. You're not a 21 year old dreaming of a future, your time is running out. That's just a biological fact. It could happen for you, but it also might not so you need to be prepared.

I'm in the same position as you op and dating options are rubbish so I've mostly resigned myself to not having kids. I can't afford to freeze my eggs etc.

It doesn't help when people keep mentioning it or suggesting you'll be too old it just starts you feeling panicked and desperate which doesn't help anyone.

I'd rather have no kids than be stuck with someone awful, even if just coparenting so I choose not to get upset at the moment.

I met DH at 35 and had DD at 38, nearly 39. I was knackered and didn’t have a second. I’ve made peace with that now.
If you want kids start looking into going it alone. Do you have support?
I remember it being soul destroying trying to meet men in my 30s. I was so fortunate I met DH at work. I had started thinking about fertility options too before I met him.
No you don’t need to ditch your friends but maybe tell them how their comments made you feel. I used to idealise my friends’ marriages. Now I realise that none of them had the Disney marriage.

Modern dating is tough, but it is a bit like job hunting and it only takes one good one if you like. I know it isn’t quite the same!

I met DH at 38. We had a baby at 40 and I am expecting again. Life really has begun.

I finished a 6.5 year relationship at 35, he wasn’t the one, I should have left years earlier but it was easy.

After a few efforts at dipping my toe back into the dating pool I concluded that I was happier alone and then met my husband when I was almost 37. Started trying for a baby at 38 - not gonna lie, it was a long hard road but I gave birth at 43. Pregnancy and motherhood were no problem at this age and I am happy to be an older mum because I can give my baby what they need and we are settled in life.

Why is dating harder in your 30s? Is it because men feel you want babies quickly?

Oh and your friends are dicks, I’d be phasing them out of your life. What horrible things to say to someone.

@QueefQueen80s most of the decent ones are gone, you are basically picking out of the rejects barrel and men with loads of baggage.

Two women I'm close to became single at a similar age. Both have recently had babies as they are hovering around 40. One found it much harder to conceive.

No time is not on your side but if you are just single, take some time to grieve what could have been and process. You don't need to make decisions on egg freezing, sperm donation etc right this minute.

You did the right thing OP. Getting out was absolutely the best thing to do. Maybe they’re jealous a little bit? Who cares if you’re single and you don’t have kids? Make the most of it, life has took you on a different path. Anyway who knows how life will turn out you could have a whirlwind romance with kids in a year or you might not?

Jesus, who needs enemies when you've got friends like that!
I'm not single but, at a few months off of turning 39, I feel like I've got my whole life ahead of me! So many plans and SO much excitement for the future.
Maybe your friends are worn down and old before their time

If I was single and without children at 35 I'd be considering the fact I may be childless. Sorry. I'd be thinking about freezing my eggs or raising a child alone if having a child was that important to me.