Friends thinking it's over at 35..

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I'm suddenly single at 35. It wasn't a great relationship. So now that I have actually left - I actually feel free and fine.

However, (some) of my friends look at me with terror and say things like "What if you never have kids.." " What if you don't meet someone" " It's a different game out there now"

It makes me feel like shit. So I guess I'm asking AIBU for being optimistic?
I do want kids... Should I be more pessimistic?

I’m 51 now and at 35 I would have feared being too old to meet someone and have a family (but certainly wouldn’t have told a friend in that situation that ‘it was all over’). Now I think 35 is young. There is time to meet someone and have a family if that’s what you decide you want. Most of the mums in my postnatal group (17 years ago now) were in their early 40’s. I think your friends are really mean and also wrong!

The data on egg freezing has changed a lot recently. If money were no object I’d get an AMH and FSH test and freeze some eggs and embryos as a back-up plan.
I was 38 and the youngest on the postnatal ward, not what I expected at all. While younger parents may have more energy, I suspect older parents may have more patience (and often more money).

Exactly this!

MissWings

That's a good point actually although in my area the play ground demographic is towards older mums too.

Agree with the younger parents having more energy and older parents having more patience.

My best friend had her kids in her 40s

Youre so rude! Bit harsh on your children having a rude mother that enjoys making people feel like shit.

While it is harder to find the right partner in your 30s, it is also a hell of a lot easier to avoid the wrong ones.

I left a 6 year relationship at 33 and had a little panic, looking at friends who settled in their 20s and had it all sorted out.

By 37 I was married with my first child. Some of my friends are still very happy in their relationships, some less happy but staying, some actively separating.

You just cannot compare yourself to other people's circumstances, life isn't linear. You also can't predict or control the future but you can stack things in your favour (I treated dating like a project, didn't waste a second on anybody not right, very different to my mistakes in my 20s!)

Solo parenting is also a good option, it's a different picture of your future but you have the rest of your life to look for a partner (or decide you don't want one)

To add, I had a suspicion that people who 'worried' about me being single in my thirties believed settling was preferable because that is what they did.

I simply cannot agree settling is right, you only end up divorced with young children, separating a home, or miserable.

I'm SO glad I took the leap and you will be too.

Honestly by late 30s I think many men fall into two categories: Peter Pans/commitementphobes and those who have just been unlucky and - through no choice of their own - are single because of breakups of LTR/widowhood etc. So they are temporarily unavailable and as soon as they feel ready to date again they quickly get into secure relationships. It's simply the pool of genuinely emotionally available men is smaller. That's not to say it's non existent, of course, but smaller than in your 20s.

Hi there! Sending love and warmth to you after your break up. You certainly did the right thing though, a bad relationship is a waste of life.

I haven’t read the whole thread but did read your first post. Just wanted to chime in about my experience. I had a break up at 32, met my new partner at 33 and we are getting married and planning a pregnancy now I’m aged 35. I think there are less men at this age and it took a year for me to meet someone. I’m so glad I did though. I think a pp said it’s easier to not choose the wrong man when you’re in your mid to late thirties. I agree with this and I chose better second time round.

As for conception, biology is a cruel mistress so even though 35 is young in the great scheme of things, it isn’t that young reproductively. I say this as a 35 year old who is so far having no luck conceiving. It’s not over until it’s over but you should be prepared for it not to happen. My partner and I will adopt if it doesn’t happen. There’s always a way, it just might look different from how you imagined.

Finally, I truly believe that a woman’s value does not change whether she has children or not. Either way, you have the gift of life and you have the gift of yourself to enjoy. Nobody can take that away from you, no matter what. Enjoy yourself and see how life unfolds xxx

This is a lovely comment. You can have a happy life, even if it isn't the life you envisioned.

I met my partner at 37. We had our first child last year when I was 41.

I don't think this is comforting as it also implies the women who are left at this age are also the rejects or have baggage Sometimes good men become single at 30ish too surely

Thanks @Darkskybrightmind

I have seen a lot in my time (I sound old), but its helped me grow into a decent man who respects himself and women and wont play games.

My best friend is female and in the past 6 to 9 months we have been through some tough times together, but always had each others backs.

Plus when her ex bf hit her and held a knife to ther throat I was the first person she called. I got her a hotel and her out of that situation asap.

Through all the bad to me and her I have learnt what makes a relationship work and how to treat people when in a relationship.

Its always darkest before the light and I just feel for those who are expected to be "normal". Life doesnt work that way and its up to us to make ourselves happy and not society and their opinions.

@IDontWantToBeAPie oh I'm certain are some good ones but you have to wade through so many of the others it makes it really ardous. Plus they get snapped up really quickly so they arent in the 'pool' long.

I also suspect (rightly or wrongly) that a larger percentage of the single women have either got sick of poor behaviour, or like me had time wasted by men who are commitment-phobes, and that's why they are back on the market.

Plus I don't want to be a step mum again so that rules out a fair few. I wont go back to being a side character in my own life.

I hate to say it, and it's incredibly sexist but I think it's rare. Ironically I think older women are probably single because they have higher standards and having settled and many (not all) of the men are duds. I think the good ones do get snapped up quite quickly.

All I'm saying OP is this

You're 35? When my great Gran was your age she didn't know it yet but she'd go on to have 6 children after that age - had my Grandad at 39 then she went on to have 5 more in her 40s

I personally am very optimistic for your chances OP.

For you, I persisted in a less than perfect relationship when I found myself unexpectedly pregnant in my mid-twenties. For me the risk of childlessness was far worse than a suboptimal relationship. I was prepared to parent singlehandedly though. Had I left him I might have found someone I was better suited to (no guarantees) and I might have had other children, but maybe not. For me the gamble wasn't worth it.

It's definitely not too late OP. You could meet a nice man within a year, start TTC after a year and have two babies by 40.

You never know what happens in life. People can lose loved ones when newly married. They can have children who pass young. They can have triplets. A stroke. All sorts of life changing events happen unplanned and unexpectedly.

Well done for ending a relationship that wasn't satisfying you. If you had carried on, you'd have felt miserable and likely have ended it later anyway.

I think at this point, you need to focus your search. Think about the type of guy you want and strategically look on places he's more likely to be. Be forgiving of imperfections (the perfect guy doesn't exist) and just stay focused on finding the qualities that matter the most to you.

I look forward to hearing your updates in a few years!

It is harder because the pool shrinks, it’s a weird equation. Influence the outcome as much as possible by meeting as many people as possible.

I had never been been bothered about marriage and children I concentrated on doing what I liked. it was pre internet dating, I do feel for people that have to use it because it sounds dire. But you can still meet people at work, in bars, in libraries, in supermarkets, public transport, through friends, hobby clubs, conferences, at events such as weddings. Just the old fashioned way basically. These are ways couples I have known have met. A lot met at University but those are the ways more mature couples met.

What do you like and what can you talk about? By 32 which was when I met DH I had traveled round America a bit solo, retrained, relocated, dance lessons, hiking, museums, went to football, and cricket matches, played hockey and had been a cross country runner, cycling, ice skating, climbed trees, political activist and played video games. That’s who I met someone who liked to travel, play sport, walk, current affairs and played games. We still do all those things though the sport is curtailed.

What do you love doing op?

Fertility: Realism rather than pessimism/optimism. Due to societal changes many women now have children later in life compared to 20+ years ago. However we know that our fertility decreases as we get older, this is a fact. There’s always anecdotal evidence from people who had babies later without complications but the risk does increase with age - including things such as conception difficulties, genetic abnormalities and maternal complications. If you are sure you want biological children of your own in the future and you feel that could be several years away then you could look into IVF options now in terms of egg harvesting and storage. I also know someone who had a sperm donor and did it alone because they hadn’t found a partner but wanted a child of their own. There are lots of options available to you.

Friends: I can see why this makes you feel like sh*t. Tell them this is how they make you to feel and ask them to stop. If they don’t then maybe consider giving them a bit of a wide berth for a while. You don’t need that constant negativity. And of course “it’s a different game now”, you have more life experience and you have changed as a person. Enjoy being single and subsequent dating when you feel ready. 🪴

What a jaded and sad view.
Probably a good thing you’re resigned to that, as it’s best for the men out there to stay single than end up with someone like you who views them as a ‘reject’

Who you marry and have kids with are two of the most important decisions one can make. You see it all the time on here, women partnered with shitty men, have kids and they naturally become shitty father's with commentators asking why women keep doing this and probably due to sharing a mentality to that of your friends.

Well done on walking away from a bad relationship. Dating isn't easy and women 35+ are still having kids. Good Luck!