Friends thinking it's over at 35..

[jabbajabba1]

I'm suddenly single at 35. It wasn't a great relationship. So now that I have actually left - I actually feel free and fine.

However, (some) of my friends look at me with terror and say things like "What if you never have kids.." " What if you don't meet someone" " It's a different game out there now"

It makes me feel like shit. So I guess I'm asking AIBU for being optimistic?
I do want kids... Should I be more pessimistic?

A bit harsh on your child having a mother almost half a century older than them though.

You’ll be grand.
I split with a long term partner at 36, no kids.
Met DH 2 years later and had DS in my early forties.

A lot of women stay in crap relationships after they have children and that’s much worse in the longer term, in my opinion.

I have thought this when friends have come out of relationships in their mid-thirties but I would never say anything unless asked. However I would still be a bit more tactful than your friends too.

I don’t find other poster’s particularly helpful by saying it’ll be fine I conceived easily at 38, 39, 40+….. Fertility really varies from woman to woman. I conceived with a lot of work at 36 (IVF) and then very easily at 39 (natural). I would never offer this to a friend as reassurance as science confirms that this isn’t the optimal time to delay getting pregnant. I would hate for them to wait around thinking everything will be fine for another 5yrs. I would never advise to freeze eggs as a back up, this is also false reassurance.

@BloodAndFire

I suspect having a newborn at 47 would be doable in terms of energy and resources. I have a 13 year old myself though and I couldn’t imagine being 60 right now.

@BloodAndFire

All my mum pals are older mothers. My own mum had me at 44 back in the 1960’s. Having a child when older isn’t new or strange or particularly difficult either. 🤷🏻‍♀️

@MissWings I’m 58 with a 13yr old. I’m far from decrepit. 🤦🏻‍♀️😂

Ignore your friends! Don't worry you've still got time to have kids x

If you have a child at 45 who then does the same thing as you, your chance of even meeting your grandchildren is close to zero.

If that was as normal as you're suggesting, no one would know their grandparents.

Op is 35 and single. If having children is very important to her she should probably go down the sperm donor route, rather than listening to tales of statistical outliers having children as they approach 50 years old

I think if I were you I would make plans to go for motherhood alone. You have all the time in the world to find a partner, fall in love, get married (and i'm sure you will) but you may not have that much time to have a baby. Everyone is different though, and fertility MOT would probably give you a heads up either way.
Ps. Please don't let friends make you feel like you shouldn't have broken up with a partner at 35- personally I think it's far better to start this journey alone than with the wrong person X

Do not have a child with a shit bloke because you will then be tied to him - and your in laws - forever.
I can’t imagine having to share custody of my DD with someone who I hate or who I don’t trust.

I met someone new at 35, started ttc at 37 and I was too old by then (now 40, 13 naturally conceived miscarriages, 4 duff IVF rounds at great expense).

So if you want kids, go it alone and do it asap - don’t wait! Don’t be me! Or freeze some eggs or embryos now just in case - it’s the age of the egg that is key!

You can meet a man any time but your biology means kids are time-limited. Facing a future of childlessness and grief, don’t recommend.

Have tbh I agree with this .Thinking relationship possibilities are over at 35 is totally ridiculous. Having a family happens for people at different times of life .

“If you have a child at 45 who then does the same thing as you, your chance of even meeting your grandchildren is close to zero.”

I don’t see this as a big deal. Can you miss something you’ve never had….. This may sound harsh but I couldn’t care less if I don’t see my child’s children (presuming she wants children, can have them, afford them, meets someone to have them with, the earth hasn’t exploded by then). Sooooo many factors. To be honest I hope she’s doesn’t want children as the earth is not a nice place now, never mind in 30/40 years time!

I would focus on yourself OP, I would consider freezing eggs simply because as you get older your eggs reduce and you really want children. Lots of women are having children older now, establishing a career and savings first, then having a child….
I’ve never craved having a child, I have friends who can’t have children and they have the best lives. You always want what you can’t have, try to be thankful for what you have now. Well shot of a horrible relationship, have fun, enjoy yourself.
I met DH around 37/38, child at around 40. It was fine. DM and mil fil 73/81.

I think it's a good idea to be realistic.

As far as I can see the facts are you're definitely not in a bad relationship anymore (great!) and you're less likely to find someone great and have kids because you're now under time pressure (bad). You can't change either of those so what can you do?

Firstly, I'd get a fertility MOT to make it a bit clearer how much time you're playing with. Then you can decide if you want to take a bit of time to try to find a great guy which could be fine, or go it alone, or make peace with not having kids, or just try to get in a relationship with anyone because you want kids and that's more important than their father. Given you've dumped the bad bf I doubt it's the last one. You could also freeze some embryos and decide to date for a couple of years then go it alone if it doesn't work out. Either way, take a bit of time to work out what you really want and information is your friend to help do that.

Whatever happens, well done for having the courage to leave something that wasn't right.

I was single at 35 and had no kids. I certainly didn’t think it was over!

What a horrible term . Some of those ' old spinsters ' of yours lead the most fulfilling lives of anyone I know . Far better your freedom to live your life how you choose than being stuck in a failed relationship.

First of all, don’t panic, as people have said, there are many options ahead of you. At the same time though, if you really want kids I’d start looking into your options. Generally speaking for most women getting pregnant at 35 is much easier than at 40 (and of those who start at 40 many won’t succeed). You have a bunch of fertility options as a single woman: at 35 many women can get pregnant through IUIs (basically donor sperm inserted at the right time of the month) which is way easier and cheaper than IVF. Freezing eggs is an option but it really isn’t a reliable insurance option: the success rates aren’t that high. Freezing embryos with donor sperm gives you a better chance.

Of course you don’t have to go the single motherhood route (I did at 39 and wished I’d started earlier as it took a lot of rounds of IVF), but it’s a good idea to understand what the scenario might look like at different ages. Don’t be fooled by lots of stories of older mothers: of course they exists but unless you read infertility hoards you won’t hear so many stories of those for whom it didn’t work out. Also be realistic if you are planning to date before starting on your own: after you start dating it’s generally a long time until you are ready to have kids with a partner.

My own thinking was: I have my whole life to find a partner, but only this window of years to have biological kids. Also single mother life in my 40s is great, I’m confident and financially secure and have plenty of parent friends my age.

Depends how much you want children. If you really want them then I would absolutely go for it alone. Single parenthood is hard but more peaceful and enjoyable than doing it with a twat. You'll get comments saying 'you've got loads of time! I had my first baby at 45!' But realistically the statistics show that after 35 your fertility does decline fairly quickly.

I was responding to a specific post by someone who said it was normal to have children in your mid-40s.

I was pointing out that if that were the case, hardly anyone would have met their own grandparents, which is self-evidently not the case.

Therefore it's clearly not the norm, as she was saying.

Separately, fwiw, I'm very very glad that my children have been able to get to know all of their grandparents- those relationships are very important and valuable to them.

It's weird how you assumed I was thinking of it from the grandparents' perspective. It's the children who miss out in many ways if they are born to very old parents.

I was in this position at 33. I dated someone I wouldn't normally have gone for as they were quite passive. We've had two kids together in a sort of co-parent relationship that is really a bit more because we do holiday together, don't live together. It's not ideal, I was never in love with him, but he's a lovely dad and we both wanted children.
I realised that contrary to popular belief and the movies, there was every chance I would never meet someone I fell madly in love with again and that time was not on my side. Chose to be practical rather than blindly hopeful and romantic.
Many of my friends who were in love and got married and had babies are now divorced, so it wasn't such a bad choice in the end.
Agree with looking at all your options including donor sperm and if you're using dating websites, go for the serious ones, not POF for example.

Firstly get new friends, who even thinks this in this day and age. There's more to life than having children. In saying that, if this is something you really want, then as a PP said, you can freeze your eggs and consider doing it alone in the future. But also no need to give up just yet, I got pregnant at 40. Be happy with yourself, build a new life for you and be glad you didn't end up with some loser just because you thought you should settle. Good luck OP, I'm sure your life will be fabulous whatever happens ☺️

Oh also, I had a fertility MOT st 35 and aced all my tests - my amh is great for a 40 year old and I make plenty of eggs. They are still bad eggs though and most embryos die off or are abnormal. There is no test for egg quality! The only way you know your eggs are too old or no good is by fertilising them…

The stats don't bear this out I'm afraid.

Spend some time on the conception and fertility boards of MN - educate yourself what is involved and jow hard it can be to conceive. Noone tells is this, just because ^ managed it at 40 is no guarantee you will - we’re all individuals.
I wish I had known this sooner :(