Friends thinking it's over at 35..

[jabbajabba1]

I'm suddenly single at 35. It wasn't a great relationship. So now that I have actually left - I actually feel free and fine.

However, (some) of my friends look at me with terror and say things like "What if you never have kids.." " What if you don't meet someone" " It's a different game out there now"

It makes me feel like shit. So I guess I'm asking AIBU for being optimistic?
I do want kids... Should I be more pessimistic?

A lot can change in a couple of years. Your friends don’t sound very helpful. If it’s really important to you and you have the finances you could look into freezing your eggs to buy a bit more time.

You’re friends are projecting their worries and insecurities onto you. They’re not being very nice.

would they rather you stayed in an unhappy unhealthy relationship just to hopefully have a baby.

on the fertility side, you just never know where your luck will be.

i had children in my mid 30s, conceived quickly and easily both times. My colleague had her only baby at 23 because she didn’t want to be an ‘older mum’. She struggled to conceive for almost a year and hasn’t been able to have another for unknown reasons.

Fair point if OP really wants children above anything else, but who plans their life around meeting grandchildren that might or might not even exist at all? OP personally I'd work on being happy with my life as it is. There's no reason you can't have a happy life being single, or meeting someone later on and not having children. I think the most important thing is for you to be happy with yourself, and not think something else will make you happy, as it rarely does. The grass isn't always greener.

A girl I know was single at 35. At 43 she's married with 3 kids. (One set of twins). So you never know.

I stopped looking for a partner at 36 and concentrated on going it alone using a donor. It took a while (IUI and then IVF) but my daughter was born when I was 40, and I am really enjoying parenthood. It isn't for everyone, but it works very well for me, and I have a happy, confident 4YO.

Equally spend time on all the my husband is an asshole boards. Yes you might not have children, but at least you won't be stuck with some horrible husband who makes you miserable and you can't leave because of the kids and finances. There's many scenarios that can play out. Some good and some very bad

I was responding to a specific post by someone who said it was normal to have children in your mid-40s.

I was pointing out that if that were the case, hardly anyone would have met their own grandparents, which is self-evidently not the case.

Therefore it's clearly not the norm, as she was saying.

Separately, fwiw, I'm very very glad that my children have been able to get to know all of their grandparents- those relationships are very important and valuable to them.

It's weird how you assumed I was thinking of it from the grandparents' perspective. It's the children who miss out in many ways if they are born to very old parents.

I don’t know if they are being bad friends as I’d be tempted to say the say the same. For every I’m alright Jack post where a woman has conceived mid 40’s with no assistance there is the fertility board where healthy women in their 20’s are struggling to conceive. I conceived no problem in my 20’s but then had secondary infertility and lost a child in my thirties. It was soul crushing. I wish you the best op and hope whatever path you choose is the right one for you.

I left a crap relationship at 37, met my now husband at 38 and had DD at 40, having conceived very easily. It's not all doom and gloom at all.

However, the thought that I might not have the husband/kids/future I envisaged was affecting me quite negatively at the time so I did have some sessions with a therapist working through what alternatives might look like. Exploring those options really helped.

Not sure if it's still up there but NHS fertility page used to have a statement that 90% of women 39 and under conceive within two years of trying.

My experience of an antenatal group in was that, bar a few outliers, most women were mid to late 30s.

You could have a fertility check with a reputable clinic to make sure : as far as possible - that you're in the 90%. They're not infallible.

You have time, but to have a family the traditional way, you'd certainly need to use that time proactively and find a partner who wanted to settle and fafe a family within a few years.

Certainly there are not loads of men out there wanting to do that but there aren't none. I know people who got into relationships mid 30s (40 something guy in one case) and had kids within a couple of years.

Firstly your friends are insensitive arseholes.

Secondly (is that a word, it looks wrong?) I found myself single at 35 and thought I would be alone for a long time. A couple of months later I met now DH, and had our two boys at 39 and 42, so it can happen.

You had backbone to end the crap relationship anyway op.

The same back one will hopefully assist in you meeting someone suitable and wasting kk time with unsuitable men.

Just need to say, for all the egg-freeze-recommenders, current success rate using your own frozen eggs is 18%, so don’t rely on this.

You'll be fine. Find some new friends.

Honestly it's better to be happy and child free than have children in a horrible relationship.

I agree.

And re Not sure if it's still up there but NHS fertility page used to have a statement that 90% of women 39 and under conceive within two years of trying.

I must be a freak as I started ttc at 29 and never did.

Things are not over at 35, but you do have less fertile years left, and it might take a couple of years to meet the right person. So it's good to be realistic, if you want to have kids.

I became unexpectedly single at 34. I did leady have 2 children so I suppose the biological clock wasn't ticking as much. However, 3 years later i met an amazing man with no previous marriage or children. He is wonderful and we had a 3rd child when I was 41. Honestly it was my easiest pregnancy and recovery. I wish I had met my husband younger but I didn't. We live our busy lovely family and are so thankful. I can only speak for myself but I am full of energy, work full time in a job I love and our youngest really is a complete joy for us all.
I would say however that the point above about not being attached to a particular outcome is a wise one. I never expected this future but it's lovely and I am making the most of every bit of it.

Honestly you need to look at realistically. Like others what’s more important a man or a baby which one would hurt to live without in the future and what ones a meh life is life.

At 35 fertility is on the down and as someone without children you’ve no idea how fertile you might possibly be either although as pointed out others suffer secondary infertility too.

If you want a husband and children together you are going to have to get a wiggle on unless your going to go for a shotgun style wedding and hope for the best rather than getting to know each other.

For every I conceived at 39-45 there are multiple women who started trying even in their early 20’s and still never did manage to conceive at all, until you try you will never actually know.

Conceiving is one thing, whether it results in a live birth is another.

When I had my last babies twins st 36 I thought I would be the oldest in the antenatal group! Most were my age or older on their first I was very surprised snd pleased

Your friends are probably jealous op

@smileladiesplease

Younger mothers don’t join antenatal groups as often as older mothers.

Having a child with a man you have a poor relationship with is a very, very hard path and one that lasts at least 18 years even if you split. Its one well avoided.

You do need to think carefully about how important having a child is to you though and what your next steps are.

Oh and by the way, contrary to what many people will tell you, the data actually shows that women's fertility does not decline until they are 40.

Such great advice, I really hope it all works out for you..

And Its better to be alone that in a bad place with a bad person is so true.