Friends thinking it's over at 35..

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I'm suddenly single at 35. It wasn't a great relationship. So now that I have actually left - I actually feel free and fine.

However, (some) of my friends look at me with terror and say things like "What if you never have kids.." " What if you don't meet someone" " It's a different game out there now"

It makes me feel like shit. So I guess I'm asking AIBU for being optimistic?
I do want kids... Should I be more pessimistic?

Plus also if they've been Peter-panning til their late 30s then decide they'll want kids they start looking for younger women instead. The whole thing is just so much more horrible than when I last was doing it at 29/30.

You will meet someone, if that's what you want. Make it clear, if you do online dating, that you are looking for someone with whom to start a happy family. Nothing wrong at all in stating that upfront. Might weed out the players.

Work on being brave or honouring that bravery not finding somebody new. Your friends already envy your bravery. Enjoy the path you're on sounds too short to be as wise as it is.

Freezing eggs has a tiny chance of working, they don’t survive the thaw a lot of time. If you are thinking of going down this route then embryo freezing gives you a much better chance of having a baby at the end of it. Egg freezing is a waste of money and gives women a false sense of security.

Hmm newborn at 47, fine. 14 year old at 61, may not be so easy.

I was nearly 37 when I had my first and only child. You've got time yet. Just don't pick an idiot for a father. Ask me how I know

This. Get new friends.
Regardless of what happens with your relationship status/fertility you don't need narrow-minded arseholes in your life.

It's not over, but it is statistically harder to conceive. I had my 1st aged 32 and my second living child at 37 I would not say I was more tired the second time round, if anything I found the newborn stage easier. I think how much energy you have depends on each individual. I think if I was single and had not had my children I would be looking to use donor sperm to have children by myself as that would be more important to me than finding a new relationship, your egg quality decreases over time and egg freezing results are not great compared to embryo freezing so I would want to create and store embryos before getting to the point where I might need donor eggs. All my children are ivf babies due to male factor infertility.

Excellent advice! I sometimes find on here that there are a lot of posts along the lines of “you’ve got loads of time! I know someone that had their first baby at 41” and I know they are meant to be encouraging but the fact is that fertility declines in our 30s and more rapidly (I believe) after 35. I don’t think it’s helpful to bury our heads in the sand about this. For every woman who conceives in her late 30s or early 40s, there are other women who weren’t able to (and maybe we don’t hear those stories quite so often because understandably not everyone wants to share that information).

So no, I don’t think you should be pessimistic but I do think you ought to be realistic and have a think about whether you want to consider taking steps to become a mum on your own, as pp suggested, if having children is really important to you.

Can I just add, yes I know dating is hard. I found myself single again at 50 and a bit fat. Didn't meet men at work, went online. I was just very ruthless, but eventually, after having interacted online with about 200 blokes, met one of them. Together 10 yrs this year, married in 2017. So it is possible. I took a break every now and again, when the numpties got too much.

Honest advice? Find a donor and go it alone.

Your friends are right. And you’ll feel empowered by taking control of the situation. If the man appears after that - great! If not - whatever. Men on dating sites have sweet shop mentality and are truly awful about dating women in late 30’s ime.

Much better to be free of a rubbish man! I got pregnant with one try of donor IUI at 37. Had been stressing about having kids and missing the boat since I was 28. You just need to be super decisive and not waste time with men that aren't on the same page. Loads of new mums I meet are 40+ - you still have time! (I'd prob get a fertility MOT now though)

I had the same at 30. The one who did it the most is now divorced. You'll equally get a lot of people who wish they had your guts. I left my OH at 30 and it was the best thing I ever did !

If I were young again I wouldn’t let the need for a man dominate my future life. I’d look at getting a job where I can afford to have a child on my own, and have the hours to fit in around nursery/school.

I have a newborn and am 43, it is no different to having my last baby at 36. Actually, we have more money so it is maybe easier because I can do what I like.

How sad that they can’t imagine a woman being happy being single! Who is to say you even want to start dating? You’re perfectly able to have a child on your own if you wanted to.

You need new friends
Friends that say let's go out

I'd like to urge you to take with a pinch of salt the many suggestions in the responses here to "just go it alone with a sperm donor"!
This is very much a biased reflection of the readership of Mumsnet, and I imagine not advice that many people would give you in the real world.
Only the TINIEST minority of women would choose to do this.
More sensible advice would be to try to find joy in a potentially childless future, just in case it never happens for you.

Hey OP.

I am a 45yr old guy who was mentally and physically abused as a kid and went through years of self abusive and suicidal thoughts.

In the past 5 years I have got my head and life together.

I have never had a gf or been in love but looking fothat and to get a life.

It's never too late. Don't give up.

Its better to be alone than in a bad place with a bad person.

Good luck x

If my daughter or sister were in your position,op, I would ask them what’s more important: a baby or a man? I think that’s what it comes down to.
If having a baby is your top priority, I would go down sperm donor route and focus on that. It won’t be the easiest path, but you know, lots of women have babies with complete shitheads and that’s not easy either! Once you have your dc, it takes the time pressure off finding a man.
If having a partner is more important and you can accept that you might not have time for dc, then date and have fun. Throw back any bad apples and hold out for a good match.

Nothing wrong with being single at 35 but obviously it's getting late to have children already without taking into consideration meeting someone to have them with and build a relationship before even thinking about having children.

It sounds like you're not that bothered about having children? If you are I'd look into freezing eggs or sperm donation.

Just thank your lucky stars you aren't bringing children up in an unhappy relationship. Lots of people have kids in their late 30s and 40s. Your friends must have a low bar if they think any relationship is ok so long as you have kids.

100% this.

I met the love of my life at 40 (almost 41).

Every Valentine's Day/dinner party/event that you attend alone is worth it when you end up where you are supposed to. I wouldn't change a thing to have ended up where I am now.

I didn't want children (and now have the best of both with fantastic DSC) so if that is important to you I would absolutely explore egg freezing immediately, (with the back of my mind understanding that there are no actual statistics on live births from egg freezing).

The brilliant thing about knowing you ended something for a reason is that it makes the next relationship better because you've learnt what you want/need.

Enjoy OP!!

Ignore these “friends”. As others have said, it may be a bit more challenging for you, but it’s not impossible - and there’s certainly no need for them to keep saying that!
The main thing is that you’re in a better position than you were before because you are moving forward with life and all its possibilities rather than being in a relationship that wasn’t great and staying stagnant.

You are way better off single at 35 than having had kids with the wrong man earlier in life. Lots of women have children later these days. I had DS1 at 39.