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AIBU?

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Original poster

Ex stepdad massively overstepping

118 replies

Flamingle18 · 01/02/2023 21:26

Hi, my friend asked me to post this as she's not on here but would like some opinions/ideas of what to say and do.

DF got married 5 years ago and DH was a big part of her DD life as they all lived together. He left her a year ago and moved out but has continued to see DD13 regularly.
He has been massively overstepping and is getting worse. She doesn't want to cut him out of DD life but he has kicked off because DF took DD to a close family members funeral and due to distance ended up staying 4 days and he said he was told 2 and no one had the courtesy to tell him and he really wasn't happy. DD real dad has taken her out of school for a couple of days this week to go on holiday and due to strikes she is not missing a lot of time off school. He has kicked off again and has text the dad and asked him to change the date of the holiday and said he's not happy! He is demanding to go to parents evening and options etc, has put his name down as a point of contact for school and wants every update as if he is her dad. She needs to tell him he is massively overstepping boundaries but he seems to think he has full parental rights and won't take it easily.

OP posts:
marmitegirl01 · 01/02/2023 21:29

She needs to contact school with her contact details of the people she wants and let them know he does not have parental permission. Then block,delete & repeat. She needs to just stand up to him. Ridiculous situation

Isithotinhere · 01/02/2023 21:43

If he can't accept his reduced role in his ex-stepdaughters life, it's probably better that your friend cut him out completely.

He is completely over stepping his role, contacting his stepdaughter dad to complain about his parenting is bizzare.

Liorae · 01/02/2023 22:00

I'm not surprised he is an ex, he sounds weirdly controlling.

Longdarkcloud · 01/02/2023 22:03

This situation does not sound natural.
It sounds as if this young girl’s bio father has a good relationship with her and has not abrogated his parental responsibilities and stepfather no longer has a real presence in her life. Normally it is for the benefit of a child that caring adults in their life should be constant and reliable but here stepfather has so overstepped the line that I sense his interest has moved into the obsessive.
I think it would be wise for the OP’s friend to do what posters have suggested above and inform the school SF is to have no information about the girl . Any contact needs to be supervised . Discussion with the bio dad would be a good idea and perhaps he would be agreeable to increasing his involvement with his daughter.

LittleLegoWoman · 01/02/2023 22:03

Pretty sure he has zero legal rights/responsibilities towards his former stepdaughter. Her mum and dad should tell him together to toe the line or fuck off.

rwalker · 01/02/2023 22:05

It’s normally other way round the move out and drop step kids like a stone

it’s so difficult but would be great if they could all work together to find a way through this so DD doesn’t feel as though she been dropped

plask · 01/02/2023 22:06

This is worrying and potentially very sinister. Your friend needs to establish boundaries and seek help if she is struggling to do this.
She should call NSPCC / social services for advice.

Doyoumind · 01/02/2023 22:06

Sounds like a controlling dick who's using the child as a pawn. She should cut contact and take matters further if he won't leave them alone.

plask · 01/02/2023 22:07

To be blunt, An over involved step-father is a red flag for CSA

Original poster
Flamingle18 · 01/02/2023 22:11

Thanks everyone. I suggested earlier to take him off the school contact list. There's definitely controlling behaviour. He completely love bombs too and can afford to throw money at her DD as he doesn't have children of his own. The bio dad is generally quite a chilled out person but understandably is getting annoyed at this man's insistence in having full involvement in DD life.
After he split up with DF he said he didn't want to be called stepdad anymore, he wanted it to just be dad.
She is living in his house still but is looking at moving away in summer but won't tell him until the time comes or where she's moving to.

OP posts:
Pompom2367 · 01/02/2023 22:13

How old is the child op

Original poster
Flamingle18 · 01/02/2023 22:15

She's 13

OP posts:
Sugarplumfairy65 · 01/02/2023 22:52

This sounds really creepy to me. She needs to tell the school to take him off the contact list because he is not a relative or friend and block him from contacting her and her daughter. He has no legal rights here.
If I were the girls father, I would be furious.

Liorae · 01/02/2023 23:55

I'd try to send the daughter to live with father until her mother can move out.

iCouldSleepForAYear · 02/02/2023 00:14

Liorae · 01/02/2023 23:55

I'd try to send the daughter to live with father until her mother can move out.

This. If your pal isn't telling her ex when she's leaving, that sounds like she's a bit afraid of him.

And why does the ex want your friend's DD to call him "dad" now that the relationship is over??

I've been a stepmother for over 12 years. The situation you've described here makes me uneasy. I care deeply about my DSD but I would not behave like this if DH and I broke up.

Testina · 02/02/2023 00:26

So she wants to reduce his role in her daughter’s life - but she’s (and daughter) are still living with him in his house?!

Look, he’s an arsehole, no doubt.

But your OP made his behaviour seem really odd (trying to dictate when they’re no longer together) when actually it turns out that they live together still. Which makes me wonder how much of a role this man still has as a “stepfather”. For example, does he still help with school runs? Pay for bills that include this child?

None of thar gives the right to control or dictate things. But I potentially see a mixed message here - because I doubt he’s dropped all the ways in which he was previously “stepfathering”.

I think she needs to get the hell out of there, talking to Woman’s Aid potentially. And as a PP said, daughter to actual dad if he necessary for a period.

JudgeRudy · 02/02/2023 00:41

Are they still married? Have any formal arrangements been made through courts. Legally the child is a child of the couple. Her rights don't trump his. The important thing would be what does the child want?
Maybe he does need to reign it in a bit but you can't expect him to just give up on loving and caring for her because he's not with the mum.

rwalker · 02/02/2023 06:24

Having read the update there all still in the same house this does change it

its totally unrealistic to say to them both me and ex are no longer together but we all live in the same house but DD is nothing to do with you
you need to leave asap and set boundaries

one of my friends still has a relationship with her stepdad her mum split from over 30 years ago

MudLady · 02/02/2023 06:33

@JudgeRudy - legally the stepdad has no rights. And it's the needs of the child would come first. The child already has a mother & a father, both of whom appear to be active in her life.

plumduck · 02/02/2023 06:35

This is why people shouldn't insist stepparents "treat them like their own".

MichelleScarn · 02/02/2023 06:40

How long has he actually been in the Dd life? Married for 5 years but split for a year?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 02/02/2023 06:41

plumduck · 02/02/2023 06:35

This is why people shouldn't insist stepparents "treat them like their own".

Don't talk shite

MelloYellow · 02/02/2023 06:45

plask · 01/02/2023 22:07

To be blunt, An over involved step-father is a red flag for CSA

This.
as a social worker - it is.

plumduck · 02/02/2023 06:48

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 02/02/2023 06:41

Don't talk shite

Show quote history

I'm not. You can't insist someone cares for a person for years then suddenly switches it off like a tap. A parent can't just switch off caring.

ivykaty44 · 02/02/2023 06:49

I’m surprised school haven’t been in contact with your DF about this person ad them wanting to be a contact?

safeguarding bells are ringing