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Original poster

Ex stepdad massively overstepping

118 replies

Flamingle18 · 01/02/2023 21:26

Hi, my friend asked me to post this as she's not on here but would like some opinions/ideas of what to say and do.

DF got married 5 years ago and DH was a big part of her DD life as they all lived together. He left her a year ago and moved out but has continued to see DD13 regularly.
He has been massively overstepping and is getting worse. She doesn't want to cut him out of DD life but he has kicked off because DF took DD to a close family members funeral and due to distance ended up staying 4 days and he said he was told 2 and no one had the courtesy to tell him and he really wasn't happy. DD real dad has taken her out of school for a couple of days this week to go on holiday and due to strikes she is not missing a lot of time off school. He has kicked off again and has text the dad and asked him to change the date of the holiday and said he's not happy! He is demanding to go to parents evening and options etc, has put his name down as a point of contact for school and wants every update as if he is her dad. She needs to tell him he is massively overstepping boundaries but he seems to think he has full parental rights and won't take it easily.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 02/02/2023 13:21

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 07:38

“Does he want to go to the school re options because the Mum and Dad don't place much importance on education?”

wow, projecting much?!

Show quote history

Not really. I had all my children to my husband. They or I didn't have stepparents. But I do know lots of parents who are letting their children down re education. As a pp said, decent humans don't just turn of caring about children whose lives they've been in for years.

Original poster
Flamingle18 · 02/02/2023 18:20

DF has gone to parents evening tonight and ex has turned up. DF wanted to pass a note to tutor to ask that he is removed from school contact list and to ask for a phone call tomorrow but he literally didn't take his eyes off her. She's ringing school tomorrow

OP posts:
Simulacra · 02/02/2023 18:25

This is unbelievably creepy, your friend needs to step the fuck up, report her ex to the police, remove his details from school, block him on her child’s phone etc.

They are no longer together and I’d have had him removed from parents evening, no fucks given.

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/02/2023 18:26

What does child think of this?

Simulacra · 02/02/2023 18:28

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 02/02/2023 18:26

What does child think of this?

Child is a child and needs her actual parents to intervene. I’d put money on the ex being a controlling prick in multiple other ways.

FRIDAYNIGHTSS · 02/02/2023 18:28

I’m surprised the school has let the ex stepdad inside, especially when both biological parents are involved in the child’s care.

LadyJ2023 · 02/02/2023 18:37

On one hand you cant just cut out a step dad just because you've finished with him. Wether it's liked or not he clearly has a good relationship with the child. The fact your still in his house aswell. Have you considered he is terrified he won't see the child again if you've etc especially with having no children himself...Why not be adult and sit down with dad and step dad and talk it thru. Any decision should be for child's benefit always and tbh sounds like both men are ok towards her. A step parent ex and sat with mother and have had many enjoyable years 2 nights a week of seeing step daughter. I dont interfere in anything plans,school decisions etc I simply see her my 2 days and once a year we go away for a week.I get on well with her mum should I have any concerns and her mum occasionally calls asking opinions/advice. My Ex her dad also sees her regularly. When I left ex husband I was so worried I wouldn't see step daughter again but we sat 3 of us and talked it thru.Had 12 years of seeing her grow up so far :)

Original poster
Flamingle18 · 02/02/2023 18:44

DD is a people pleaser, she is happy to spend time with all and DF has protected her from hearing what's going on so she doesn't think there's a problem other than them not being together. If she knew how stressed/angry etc her DM is then she would be upset. DD did find it very strange that he insisted on giving her £150 for a shopping trip he took her on.
DF wanted him to leave parents evening but he wouldn't and was trying to make strange jokes with the teachers. DF made excuses and went to leave once she'd seen who she wanted to thinking she'd catch the tutor on the way out but he caught up with her.
There have been many red flags 🚩 that have come to light re him being controlling but at the time, DF just thought he was being over protective due to Covid and DF health condition.

OP posts:
SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 18:50

Oh, dear, this sounds very bad.

as if, even though he left, he doesn’t think your friend and DD have the right to carry on “as normal” without him.

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 18:51

I am glad your friend will ring school. I don’t agree with PP about having him removed - I suspect that would have led to an awful row in front of DD - but it’s good that she will act so it doesn’t happen again.

Original poster
Flamingle18 · 02/02/2023 18:52

@LadyJ2023 DF hasn't just cut him out when HE left her. She agreed to regular contact, tea in the week/ some weekend contact as long as he understood her and DD dad needs time with her too so it can't be every weekend. This was working ok, DD was happy but then he started wanting more and more contact/control and wouldn't take no for an answer. DF has 2 older children too and he doesn't try and act like this with them.
He tried to put a stop to the holiday but then put spending money into DD bank

OP posts:
tara66 · 02/02/2023 18:53

He is over stepping his rights - he has no rights regarding contact. Tell him to get cracking with his own procreation if he's that desperate!

Isithotinhere · 02/02/2023 18:54

Your friend needs to step up for her daughter - this man sounds like he has an unhealthy fixation on his ex-step child, he needs to be out of their lives.

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 18:54

Oh, Lord, this is worse with each post.

Sugarplumfairy65 · 02/02/2023 18:56

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 18:54

Oh, Lord, this is worse with each post.

Just what I was thinking. Its actually giving me the shivers

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 02/02/2023 18:57

pass a note to tutor to ask that he is removed from school contact list and to ask for a phone call tomorrow but he literally didn't take his eyes off her
This is so odd, she doesn't need to pass a note! She needs to stand up to him and say he's not entitled to be there.

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 19:00

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 02/02/2023 18:57

pass a note to tutor to ask that he is removed from school contact list and to ask for a phone call tomorrow but he literally didn't take his eyes off her
This is so odd, she doesn't need to pass a note! She needs to stand up to him and say he's not entitled to be there.

Would you do that in front of your 13 year old and all her teachers? To a man who had been in her life 5+ years? Or would you deal with it quietly afterwards, and avoid DD being upset?

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 02/02/2023 19:04

I'd deal with it beforehand, I certainly wouldn't pass a note like a teenager in class.

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 02/02/2023 19:04

I'm sorry but this sounds like grooming to me.

Bedofroses2 · 02/02/2023 19:05

Agree with PP - I'm a teacher too and would report this as a serious safeguarding concern. It does sound like grooming

SnapAndFartAllDayLong · 02/02/2023 19:08

Also if the DD spends time at the ex's house and he hasn't been SA her, I would be inclined to think he may have hidden cameras in the home. This post has made my creepy senses scream tbh.

SheilaFentiman · 02/02/2023 19:15

BringOnFebBankHoliday · 02/02/2023 19:04

I'd deal with it beforehand, I certainly wouldn't pass a note like a teenager in class.

Well, ideally, yes, but since the ex had turned up uninvited, giving the row a swerve would seem to be best.

catandcoffee · 02/02/2023 19:16

Sounds like a script from that film Lolita.?

Your friend really needs to step up as a Mother and protect her girl.

forrestgreen · 02/02/2023 19:22

It's giving me the creeps.
It would be lovely for a normal guy to stay it touch but he's doing semaphore with his red flags 🚩

I don't think he could cope with reduced contact. It'll need to be no contact.

First sign he breaks that you need to see a solicitor.

It needs spelling out to the daughter. We need boundaries, ex isn't listening to my boundaries so we've had to say he can't come round etc. I know that's sad, and I know you enjoyed the shopping trips but this is the way it has to be to keep you safe. I need you to let me know I you see him, no secrets.

Testina · 02/02/2023 19:30

Is there a reason your friend couldn’t take 2 minutes to register and post on here herself, where she could actually engage with a useful thread?

The red flags were out anyway, but this shouldn’t have been left out of the OP:

“DF has 2 older children too and he doesn't try and act like this with them.“