Ex stepdad massively overstepping

[Flamingle18]

Hi, my friend asked me to post this as she's not on here but would like some opinions/ideas of what to say and do.

DF got married 5 years ago and DH was a big part of her DD life as they all lived together. He left her a year ago and moved out but has continued to see DD13 regularly.
He has been massively overstepping and is getting worse. She doesn't want to cut him out of DD life but he has kicked off because DF took DD to a close family members funeral and due to distance ended up staying 4 days and he said he was told 2 and no one had the courtesy to tell him and he really wasn't happy. DD real dad has taken her out of school for a couple of days this week to go on holiday and due to strikes she is not missing a lot of time off school. He has kicked off again and has text the dad and asked him to change the date of the holiday and said he's not happy! He is demanding to go to parents evening and options etc, has put his name down as a point of contact for school and wants every update as if he is her dad. She needs to tell him he is massively overstepping boundaries but he seems to think he has full parental rights and won't take it easily.

I’m obviously seeing this with different eyes to most.

I see a man who accepted DD into his life and loved her like his own. Acted his father role and formed a strong bond with her.

Unless it was abroad or grandparent 4 days for a family funeral in term term is a lot of time off school for a 13 year old. He was lied to about it and this has rightly got his back up.

Taking the girl out of school for a term time holiday at 13 is also on shakey ground. And similarly I’m not surprised he is upset.

Whether he calls her dad or stepdad has got to be down to the daughter.

He may still be a controlling tool but i don’t think that comes across from the scenarios explained. He was a parent to all intents and purposes and that can’t or shouldn’t be just switched off if neither daughter nor he wants to.

Did you RTT? Since when did a stepfather have parental rights. Stop talking shit.

OP, support DF in speaking to the school ASAP so he has no right to info - not sure why he ever did?

The behaviour of the ex makes me feel uncomfortable. You know history of the relationship and why they split up, any red flags for you? Could this be a way of controlling your friend, or are there any concerns re his interest in the DD.

Actually if they still live together it's a bit different.

I mean, it's whether she's in the house or not. It actually impacts him and is happening around him. It's nothing like as weird as it would be if he wasn't actually living with them.

And yes, as a PP asks, is he still involved practically, giving her lifts, cooking meals etc?

The only thing that really bothers me is him wanting to be called Dad. Two term time holidays at 13 isn't good. Does he want to go to the school re options because the Mum and Dad don't place much importance on education? He's stepdad enough to house the child, but not to take an interest in other ways.

I think the friend and the DD still live in the stepdad’s house, but the man has moved out (first post said he moved out). Not totally clear though.

No one asked him to stop caring, seems people were happy for the DD to meet him over the last year.

But him insisting he gets info from the school is not on.

Why did they split up?

Red flags all over the place, I think. I teach - if I heard this, I would be flagging it to the safeguarding lead.

He is the child’s mum’s ex boyfriend. Not her dad. He is now insisting the child calls him dad, when she didn’t before. The child has an actual father, who is still very much in the picture, who this ex boyfriend is squaring up to. All extremely weird behaviour.

“Does he want to go to the school re options because the Mum and Dad don't place much importance on education?”

wow, projecting much?!

So wrong. It’s like he’s grooming this child.

@SheilaFentiman that’s not what projecting is. All @Ponoka7 is doing is suggesting a theory and checking it with the OP. No projection.

I agree with @plask - this is rather sinister.

There is a possessiveness there of a 13 year old child. It is deeply concerning.

He was in her life from the years 8 to 13. He was never her father. He never adopted her and has zero parental rights. He knows this.

The fact your friend is even questioning this is concerning. She needs to put her child in therapy - contact the school and report this behaviour and to instruct to call the police if he steps foot onto school grounds. His behaviour isn’t normal. He is displaying predictor vibes.

I would love to hear the step Dad's side of this rather than just the second hand version of the mother's side. His behaviour could be controlling and sinister but the mother is doing herself no favours either. He is being very generous to allow her and her daughter to live in his house on an open ended arrangement. If she doesn't want his involvement she needs to move out.

Or worse, that Mumsnet favorite "took them on". Lady, if you are looking for someone to "take your kids on" it bodes very ill for the kids.

Thanks for that 👍🏻 - you’re right, she did say he left her and moved out in the OP. Actually quite clearly ☺️ but I missed it and misinterpreted the follow up post about living in his house.

I still think - even though he’s not there - OP needs to move out of his house. And also look for any mixed messages - the business about the funeral, whether that’s 2 or 4 days, why did an ex even know it was 2?

He sounds worrying controlling and that’s all on him, but OP needs to look at what access / information she’s still giving him, and what role she’s letting him still play - which I’m guessing at the very least is subsidised housing. In which case, he can move back in if his control slips.

Straight to Women’s Aid for advice on this one.

Agree that the control of him moving back in is worrying, hadn’t thought of that.

I can see how the funeral thing might have come up. - “is DD coming over as usual on Thursday?” “No, sadly, we are off to Paris for a couple of days for granny’s funeral, she’ll see you next week”

PP said the two day/four day thing was a lie, but I see it as maybe arising from this sort of convo- though maybe I’m the one projecting here 😀

Yes he's moved out. She pays him rent to live there and has a contract.
She doesn't want to just cut him out of DD life and has accommodated him still having time with her. It's him upping his role and questioning the actual parents decisions that has unnerved her.
The parents care very much about her education and don't need another man dictating and demanding things.
They are still married at present. He left her, friend suspected he was seeing someone at work but can't prove it.
Child's Dad booked a couple of days away before they knew about the funeral. School have been fine about this time off.

If the OP's pal is meant to be moving out of the house (regardless of whether ex still lives there), but hasn't told her ex when that's happening, it sounds like there's a reason why she doesn't want him to know. 🚩

The ex texted the DD's dad to criticise how he spent time with his own kid. This is something the DD's mum could have handled, if she was that dissatisfied. It sounds like this was something he did on his own. 🚩

The ex now wants the friend's DD to call him "dad" even though her own dad is present enough to have his own time with the DD. Even though the ex has her dad's number (so he must have asked for it at some point, therefore acknowledging the DD and her father's relationship). 🚩

The ex appears to have gone to the DD's school and insisted on information when the DD already seems to have two involved parents. This seems to have been done against the friend's wishes, or it wouldn't have been an issue. 🚩

@OP

Does your friend's daughter have a phone of her own? If the girl does, your friend needs to check it now. Look for text messages only to her DD from the ex.

There may be nothing alarming there, but I'd ask your friend to seriously consider either blocking the ex's number on her DD's phone, or changing the DD's number altogether and not handing over the new one to the ex.

Does he know they’ve split up?

From what you’re saying it sounds as if your friend is telling others they’re not together any more but hasn’t actually told him as they’re living in the same house and she’s waiting until the summer to just leave.

It’s not remotely the same as them splitting up, living apart, and him remaining over involved in the DD’s life.

It says in the OP he has moved out

She has to cut him out of the childs life. Get his name removed from school contact list, delete and block his number from her phone and childs phone and tell him to go fuck himself. Nothing that happens in this childs life has anything to do with him and it is fairly worrying he thinks he has some kind of parental role and I say this as someone who has ex stepkids myself. Once me and the dad split up the kids were essentially nothing to do with me at all so I walked away. This man needs to be put in his place which is NOWHERE in this kids life.

I can understand him feeling disgruntled if he'd made plans and there were communication issues between him and his ex.

But the school thing raises my eyebrows. I've definitely been in contact with my own DSD's school, but it was always on behalf of my DH, because I'm more confident writing emails. So, he would be copied in on messages if he and I had concerns. Up until DSD's mum was no longer present in DSD's life (due to domestic abuse at her house), those issues were also something my DH would discuss with his ex before we made contact.

I'm also surprised the ex thought it was ok to text the DD's dad here. Surely the communication issues would be between him and your friend? Why is he dragging the DD's dad (and therefore, 13 year old DD) into it?

I might be a bit old school about it, but in the 12+ years I've been a stepparent, I think I've texted my DSD's mum maybe three times. Once to communicate important information that the school issued at the last minute, and the other two times to try and check on her well being. The latter two were discussed with my DH prior to sending. Because he has the prior relationship with his ex and knows how to engage with her, not me.

It doesn’t matter what parental rights he ‘thinks’ he has. The fact is that he doesn’t have them, and your friend needs to be very clear that her own parental rights, and her DD’s biological father’s rights, override her stepfather’s wishes here.

The four day funeral thing is a) weird and b) out of order. He also doesn’t get to have a say in DD’s schooling, GCSE options, holidays or anything else. It’s fine that he wants to stay in contact with her, but that doesn’t put him in loco parentis and I don’t think his motive for contact is actually an altruistic one. I think his main motive is control of the child and her mother, not affection or concern for the child in question.

He is being very generous to allow her and her daughter to live in his house on an open ended arrangement. If she doesn't want his involvement she needs to move out.

She’s paying him rent and they have a tenancy agreement. Being someone’s landlord doesn’t mean you get to have any say in their kids’ lives.

Even if they were still a couple, he would have no right to interfere in how much time his stepdaughter spends with her actual father. It would be up to her mum and dad to decide that, not him. Being ‘involved’ doesn’t mean overriding the decisions of the child’s parents.