Ex stepdad massively overstepping

[Flamingle18]

Hi, my friend asked me to post this as she's not on here but would like some opinions/ideas of what to say and do.

DF got married 5 years ago and DH was a big part of her DD life as they all lived together. He left her a year ago and moved out but has continued to see DD13 regularly.
He has been massively overstepping and is getting worse. She doesn't want to cut him out of DD life but he has kicked off because DF took DD to a close family members funeral and due to distance ended up staying 4 days and he said he was told 2 and no one had the courtesy to tell him and he really wasn't happy. DD real dad has taken her out of school for a couple of days this week to go on holiday and due to strikes she is not missing a lot of time off school. He has kicked off again and has text the dad and asked him to change the date of the holiday and said he's not happy! He is demanding to go to parents evening and options etc, has put his name down as a point of contact for school and wants every update as if he is her dad. She needs to tell him he is massively overstepping boundaries but he seems to think he has full parental rights and won't take it easily.

This is absolutely a safeguarding issue, your friend should let the school know he is no longer to be used as a contact and why then look at distancing the ex immediately and indefinitely, including moving out of his home

I'm going to suggest she sits down with ex and DD dad and they both tell him he's overstepping, needs to stop giving DD money and thinking he has a say in schooling etc. If he doesn't agree and stick to it then they need to take serious action.
He has always thrown money around, when they first got together I remember he never let her pay for meals/drinks/food shopping etc so it's not just DD who he has spent money on. The other 2 are early 20s and moved out/busy working etc. He has stayed in touch but doesn't try and be involved like he is with 13 year old.
She has enough going on without trying to reply to lots of questions and posts on mumsnet. I have sent her the thread so she can take on board the many helpful comments and get an outside perspective. I think she knows I never warmed to him so it's hard for me to be impartial.
She didn't want to cause a scene at school or in front of DD which is why she was going to hand a note in. She couldn't speak to them before hand as they were teaching all day and then setting up for parents evening. She went early and managed to sit with a teacher alone and he came running in and then followed her about until she left.

“She has enough going on without trying to reply to lots of questions and posts on mumsnet”

And this isn’t serious enough for her to make time? 🤨 She doesn’t have to reply - except if it is necessary to direct the thread in a way that will be helpful for her - which is surely worth her time?

@Testina she has a link to the thread and is reading and taking the comments on board. If she posted and didn't reply she would just get accused of posting and running or not listening to good advise. She's never posted on MN so wouldn't think of this as her first place to go for a listening ear/help. It was me that mentioned it and she asked me to post.

The ex-stepdad sounds very over involved and really inappropriate - it reads like he is grooming this child

Your friend should make an application to the Police under Sarah's Law to see if there is a history of inappropriate behavior

It’s ok just to stop seeing him for a bit and get some space.

Abusers always have an excuse.
They always do things because they care.
They always try to limit your contact with others
They always try to get their way.

Her approach of wanting to sit down with him to discuss things is wrong and dangerous.

No discussion.
He is not the child's father and his views do not count. She needs to stop pandering to him and protect her child.

Please tell her to speak to school safeguarding lead or social services asap

The fact that DD is described as a “people pleaser” is concerning as this makes her especially vulnerable.
I think DF needs to talk to her re no secrets, telling mum if anything makes her feel uneasy etc. She needs to do this without reference to ex, no accusations, no insinuating etc but just a general conversation about keeping herself safe. We talk to younger children about stranger danger but then tend just to think the kids have “got it”, job done. Even stuff about tickling and other playful touching being not appropriate from adults.

This is spot on, and yes reteach safeguarding rules.

This is extremely concerning op. Your friend needs to speak to the police for advice. A strongly worded solicitor’s letter may also help. Your friend may not want to stand up to him as she is living in his house. If this is the case, she needs to stop worrying about her housing situation as he can’t just throw her out. With or without a tenancy agreement, she has legal rights to stay and that would include even if she stops paying rent. The only way she can be forced to leave is by court eviction, which will easily lead her to the summertime.

As for her dd, how is she communicating with this man? Is it via text? Or is he communicating over Whatsapp, Snapchat and instagram? For her own protection, I think she should only be allowed to have the facility to text and not the apps. This is the only way you can block him / monitor if he is contacting her and what he is saying. With the apps, messages just disappear in Snapchat, WA he can delete them and Insta, he can see and copy photos of her, she has the ability to instagram live etc. Plus with Snapchat he can see her location.

With regard to monitoring her in general, I think your friend needs to have a look at her dd’s phone to check there isn’t any tracking on the phone with him linked. She and her older children should do the same just in case and remove him from any app, where he has the facility to track them.

This man is beyond creepy. Someone upthread said about possible hidden cameras. It would also be a good idea to check the house and if she finds any to not remove them but to go to the police.

If his behaviour starts to escalate and she intends to change areas, she should also be thinking she may need to change her dd’s surname to a known as for the new school. Or her own surname. The man has money by the sound of it and may not let them go quietly.

Idk if the control over your friend’s dd is about control over her as well. She is trying to get away from him and women and children are the least safe when trying to escape. She can contact Women’s Aid and if necessary find a space in a shelter.

This is giving me really creepy vibes. Men have been known to kill their own children so that ‘she can’t have her’. Someone mentioned Sarah’s law.

Thinking about the tenancy, is it a proper tenancy, where all of the legalities have been adhered to? Eg does she have an AST, does the property have a gas safety certificate, I’m imagining no deposit but if there is one, lodged with a deposit scheme etc? If the letter of the law has been followed with the tenancy, she should also follow the law and end the tenancy correctly. If not, he could potentially go to court in search of arrears and if the court agrees, have court appointed bailiffs to track her down. Idk if the courts would agree as it is a husband / wife situation and perhaps this would raise alarm bells but the law would be on his side. I appreciate she needs to leave before handing in her notice and this would mean paying one month’s rental money for nothing.

How does she plan to divorce ?

Well he doesn’t have parental rights but if he lived with her for over 2 years he can apply to the court for a contact order.

Sorry. It’s not 2 years it is 3.

I'd talk to school to remove him from the list and block him

Not surprised he's an ex he a control freak.
I'd make an appointment with the school and explain the situation incase he tries to get his own appointments ect and I'd also tell him, he has to except reduced contact otherwise contact will stop altogether.
Your friend has to be strong and firm and the school must be told.
I'd also tell the daughter she must not go with him if he turns up anywhere. X

Also maybe call someone like NSPCC or social services for advice x

I'd be telling him in no uncertain terms that he is hugely overstepping the mark. The DD have perfectly decent parents by the sound of it and so he has no place to push the actual dad out of the way, so to speak.

There's no manual for how to deal with an abusive relationship, once you've realised that's what it is. There's plenty of advice, but that's not the same as figuring out an appropriate solution in the moment. I don't blame your friend at all for trying to pass a note. She didn't expect her ex to turn up. He wasn't invited, right?

My DSD's horrific "stepdad" was a lot like this...

Please, to your friend, even if she doesn't see her marriage as an abusive one and wouldn't describe it that way ... what has been described here in this thread doesn't seem safe for DD. It seems like a continuous pushing of boundaries and escalation of behaviour.

Definitely call the school. Definitely get advice from police and Women's Aid. Your friend is not being silly or wasting anyone's time getting this advice. Her own alarm bells rang in the first place.

The police should be able to help her with a Claire's Law disclosure. There's a lot that you can't Google about a person. If there is a history of being reported for abusive behaviour, then having that information to hand can help with decision-making.

Check DD's phone. It might cause a row, and that might be uncomfortable to deal with, but your friend needs to consider and rule out worst case scenarios. What if he is in regular contact with just her DD and convinces her to run away from home? Even if he would never harm her DD, that is leverage the ex will have over your friend.

Something isn't right.

DF can step in and say he thinks there is a problem and tell the school this directly, if mother isn't. Mother should be doing this anyway. SF doesn't have legal rights and his controlling behaviour is a massive red flag and should be treated as such.

The child may be being used to coercively control the mother or has an unhealthy relationship with the daughter. Either is not good.

End of conversation.

She rents off him... Financial control... This has coercive control written all over it.

Do some reading up OP. See if it raises alarm bells. But yes this is a massive safeguarding issue at play and should be taken up with the school

Your Df should never have accepted any money from him for anything towards the DD. That blurs the line. He isn't a parent but it sounds like he had financial responsibility for the DD like a parent would. Did he also have parental responsibility in other ways - childcare or driving her around or doing other parental tasks? Since the child has two involved parents, it seems the lines here were blurred and he was included in her life as a parent and to him, divorcing her mother doesn't end his parental role.

He clearly is going to need boundaries put firmly in place. Your DF messed up by letting him pay for them and by wanting the benefits and not having good boundaries in place during the relationship. She can talk to the school and police for backup. Daughter's father and her should also be on the same page for messaging if he contacts.

“Your DF messed up by letting him pay for them and by wanting the benefits and not having good boundaries in place during the relationship.”

oh, give over with this victim blaming. You really think this guy is only acting this way cos he was “allowed” to pay for family days out or whatever when they were married? His reactions of turning up to parents’ evening and not allowing the DF to be alone with teachers are not to do with that.

It isn't victim blaming unless you believe that the only thing women can be in life is a victim. Believe it or not, women can also make good and bad decisions in life that contribute to the situations they are in. They have agency and autonomy to make their own choices. They are competent and capable and create the lives they live. The lack of boundaries in the relationship has contributed to the situation. She chose to not be an equal partner in the relationship and that is a big problem that has come back to bite them now. I didn't say that that was the sole issue responsible for everything he does. As you saw when you read my post, I clearly said she may need the school and police and DC's father involved to manage his current behaviour.

This whole thing gives me the prickles. Time for a new phone (and new number) for DD's 14th birthday?

Your friend should also start keeping any and all evidence she has or can get about him overstepping, behaving in a threatening or unreasonable way, etc. If he can afford to throw money at DD he can afford to throw money at applying for a court order.

He needs to step back and your friend should seriously consider cutting him off. It's not nice, but neither is his behaviour, one of the worst things about step parenting is the loss of contact with kids you may have grown a bond with should you split.

It's a risk you take when step parenting and sounds like he hasn't accepted that as an outcome of the split. Think about your friends situation, if she got into another long term relationship, she could have a string of step dad's doing this, what a nightmare! - she needs to be clear on boundaries up front next time and tackle it head on this time.