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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex stepdad massively overstepping

118 replies

Flamingle18 · 01/02/2023 21:26

Hi, my friend asked me to post this as she's not on here but would like some opinions/ideas of what to say and do.

DF got married 5 years ago and DH was a big part of her DD life as they all lived together. He left her a year ago and moved out but has continued to see DD13 regularly.
He has been massively overstepping and is getting worse. She doesn't want to cut him out of DD life but he has kicked off because DF took DD to a close family members funeral and due to distance ended up staying 4 days and he said he was told 2 and no one had the courtesy to tell him and he really wasn't happy. DD real dad has taken her out of school for a couple of days this week to go on holiday and due to strikes she is not missing a lot of time off school. He has kicked off again and has text the dad and asked him to change the date of the holiday and said he's not happy! He is demanding to go to parents evening and options etc, has put his name down as a point of contact for school and wants every update as if he is her dad. She needs to tell him he is massively overstepping boundaries but he seems to think he has full parental rights and won't take it easily.

OP posts:
Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 12:08

I hope your friend is reading this thread OP

It's simple to resolve the school thing
DFriend simply emails the school and advises she has separated from her DH, he has moved out they no longer live together and he is to be removed from school contact or consent to share information list .

Then he won't get invited to school stuff and will be removed from school liking list- it's GDPR breach if not

if he turns up at future parents evening a) he won't know when DDs specific parent teacher appointments are and b she can ask him to leave and go into school asking a teacher to assist as he has no PR and no consent to information if he doesn't leave

That will also stop his arranging time out of school

DF needs to consider if she lets her ex DH have DD overnight in future if she cannot trust he will return DD on agreed date and time. I'd be furious he kept DD out of school away for longer than agreed

Legally he doesn't have PR and has zero rights here

He would have to make an application to court for child arrangements order but it wouldn't look good that he's already kept DD out of school for what was an unauthorised absence by her mother and father

It does sound like she is best leaving and moving away to rental situation where he isn't LL. Also he's her ex husband so she has spousal support rights, has she sorted that out?

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 12:08

School mailing list..!

EyesOnThePies · 03/02/2023 12:28

This man would not spend one more minute alone with my Dd.

Nor have any phone / message access that I was not monitoring.

The whole situation is red flag bunting. But even if he is not a direct risk it is not fair for a child to be the target of inappropriate intense attention or control, or be a pawn in adult manipulative stuff.

OP, who knows: men target single women with daughters. It clearly wasn’t a marriage made in heaven, as so short lived.

And your DF should never have allowed her DH to step into so much influence over her Dd. Money direct from him etc.

Listen to the social worker who has posted.

Tome for your DF to get real, and hard nosed.

SheilaFentiman · 03/02/2023 12:39

“DF needs to consider if she lets her ex DH have DD overnight in future if she cannot trust he will return DD on agreed date and time. I'd be furious he kept DD out of school away for longer than agreed”

The ex has not done this.

bio dad took DD out of school with her mum’s agreement and school were ok.

mum took DD to a funeral abroad which took 4 days rather than 2 and school were ok.

The ex was cross about both of these things.

SheilaFentiman · 03/02/2023 12:57

Should have added -he had no place to be cross or controlling!

SheilaFentiman · 03/02/2023 12:59

“Also he's her ex husband so she has spousal support rights, has she sorted that out?”

they are still married - separated but not divorced

Cherrysoup · 03/02/2023 13:12

Tiani4 · 03/02/2023 12:08

I hope your friend is reading this thread OP

It's simple to resolve the school thing
DFriend simply emails the school and advises she has separated from her DH, he has moved out they no longer live together and he is to be removed from school contact or consent to share information list .

Then he won't get invited to school stuff and will be removed from school liking list- it's GDPR breach if not

if he turns up at future parents evening a) he won't know when DDs specific parent teacher appointments are and b she can ask him to leave and go into school asking a teacher to assist as he has no PR and no consent to information if he doesn't leave

That will also stop his arranging time out of school

DF needs to consider if she lets her ex DH have DD overnight in future if she cannot trust he will return DD on agreed date and time. I'd be furious he kept DD out of school away for longer than agreed

Legally he doesn't have PR and has zero rights here

He would have to make an application to court for child arrangements order but it wouldn't look good that he's already kept DD out of school for what was an unauthorised absence by her mother and father

It does sound like she is best leaving and moving away to rental situation where he isn't LL. Also he's her ex husband so she has spousal support rights, has she sorted that out?

Have you even RTFT? It isn't the child's biological father being a pain, it's her mum's ex, the child's stepfather.

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2023 13:32

He is over stepping and behaving like a dick.
He’s not the child’s parent, but I think this is something for the parents to remember during the relationship too.

funinthesun19 · 03/02/2023 13:33

the parents meaning mum and dad.

Cakeandcardio · 03/02/2023 13:50

He might not like it but if he's not with the mum anymore, he can't take a parent role with the child. Your friend needs to be seriously concerned about this level of involvement. She should probably cut contact completely. It's all very sinister. No way would I give another man access to a teenage girl. Especially with her age and puberty etc.

TheFretfulPorpentine · 03/02/2023 13:53

The child's father needs to tell him straight: "you are not her dad, she has a dad. I'm her dad."

longtompot · 03/02/2023 16:12

Some useful info here for your friend. I take it her ex hasn't already got any parental responsibility via a formal agreement or court order? www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/children/step-parents/

Daffodilis · 03/02/2023 16:37

It's creepy, he left his wife but wants access, it's almost like he wants her on her own.

Tiani4 · 04/02/2023 05:14

@Cherrysoup
Have you even RTFT? It isn't the child's biological father being a pain, it's her mum's ex, the child's stepfather.

Errr YES - I RTFT!!

you clearly didn't read my post with your glasses on Grin - which talks specifically about her (to be) ex husband having no PR etc . And how the ex (step father) is being difficult

Goodness , you quoted a post you didn't even take time to read ! Hmm

MichaelKeaton · 04/02/2023 06:57

What on earth? Your friend needs to stop giving this totally unrelated male unfettered access to her young teenage ‘people pleasing’ daughter.

His lack of awareness around the total inappropriate nature of his behaviour is one red flag among hundreds.

Why on earth are they accepting it so meekly?

Cherrysoup · 04/02/2023 08:20

Tiani4 · 04/02/2023 05:14

@Cherrysoup
Have you even RTFT? It isn't the child's biological father being a pain, it's her mum's ex, the child's stepfather.

Errr YES - I RTFT!!

you clearly didn't read my post with your glasses on Grin - which talks specifically about her (to be) ex husband having no PR etc . And how the ex (step father) is being difficult

Goodness , you quoted a post you didn't even take time to read ! Hmm

Sincere apologies, I really shouldn't multitasking. I'm so sorry.

AlisonDonut · 04/02/2023 08:23

Your friend needs to move out and cut all contact.

Whatwasthatshow · 02/03/2024 12:38

I hope your friends ok a year on @Flamingle18

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