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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Neighbour outraged I ignored the door

1000 replies

Scrumbler · 01/02/2023 12:18

For context I've lived in my home for 6 years, I have a baby and we get on with our neighbours very well usually.

Yesterday someone banged on the door a few times and I ignored it. I never answer my front door because everyone who I'm expecting use the side door. We get a lot of cold callers and religious people who knock alot so I will never answer it.
Today I see my neighbour and his son has a bandage on and I asked what happened, he'd had an accident yesterday in the street, my neighbour said his wife knocked on my door at the time for me to call an ambulance because she's panicked and left her phone in her house so I said I'd heard the knocking but didn't know what it was.
He looked at me completely gone out and then asked me why I'd ignored her. I explained I obviously didn't know it was an emergency or I would have course answered. But he told me I was selfish and slammed his door as he went in.
I carried on taking my shopping out of the car and then his wife comes out asking if I'd ignored her! I told her I don't answer that door and didn't know it was an emergency but she just went mad shouting how horrible that was and asked what kind of person doesn't answer there door.

I know their probably still shook up but I didn't know what had happened.
To clarify, their child seems fine from what the dad told me before he found out I'd ignored the door and turned out to be a very minor injury. I feel awful it happened but I didn't ignore them on purpose knowing they were needing an ambulance so I think they've been a bit over the top.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 02/02/2023 18:58

I am really surprised at all the posters claiming not to know anyone in real life who doesn't answer the door. I never do. Ever.

Cherry60 · 02/02/2023 18:59

Not the least bit 'weird' not to answer the door. The neighbour's response is far more weird and anti-social.

cavalier · 02/02/2023 19:01

you are not obligated to open the door or even answer the phone to anybody
end of
.. unfortunately his wife needed help but that’s not your responsibility to know what’s going on all the time

Girlgift97 · 02/02/2023 19:02

@WomanStanleyWoman2 yeah riiiight!!

People on here like @Murdoch1949 won't answer an unknown number and block and report as spam!

You think she'd leave a voicemail? GrinGrinGrin

Yeah riiiiiight she would!

Yarrawonga · 02/02/2023 19:11

I am really surprised at all the posters claiming not to know anyone in real life who doesn't answer the door. I never do. Ever

Do you have a sign outside your house saying so? Otherwise, how would anyone else know?

nicnac79 · 02/02/2023 19:12

I rarely answer my front door unless I'm expecting someone. So many cold callers where I live. Also sick of taking I'm parcels for the neighbours.
Best to have a Ring doorbell so you can see who's calling before you answer.

FieldsOfRoses · 02/02/2023 19:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

ReneBumsWombats · 02/02/2023 19:14

Lndnmummy · 02/02/2023 18:58

I am really surprised at all the posters claiming not to know anyone in real life who doesn't answer the door. I never do. Ever.

I suppose we wouldn't know if they didn't.

I certainly don't know anyone who's open (boom boom) about it but then I guess it's not a conversation we'd be likely to have.

Obviously you don't have to. I admit I do wonder what you're worried about but I guess some people aren't so confident about dismissing cold callers. They actually form a minority of my unexpected doorbell rings, though. It's usually a delivery for my husband or a neighbour who's out (or not answering, I guess).

icelolly12 · 02/02/2023 19:16

Why would knocking on a neighbours door be quicker than running into her own house to use the phone? She sounds like a drama queen!

Pocketfullofdogtreats · 02/02/2023 19:24

DinnerThyme · 01/02/2023 12:25

The cavalry will be along in a minute to say that no one should ever answer their front door and that doing so is an invitation to be murdered but, frankly, I don’t know how people actually cope living like this - and your OP demonstrates why. Your neighbour needed urgent help from you for a medical emergency for their child. You ignored repeated banging, not just a knock that might be a cold caller. No reasonable person in your situation would’ve ignored it.

Your neighbours don’t get to demand you answer your door. You, in turn, don’t get to complain that they’re pissed off that you ignored them during a medical emergency.

Have you really never needed to contact someone by knocking on their door without giving them notice? I can’t tell you how many times I’ve knocked on someone’s door to tell them that there’s rain going through the upstairs window they left open or that the rain is getting the laundry on their balcony wet or that their car lights are left on or that there’s a parcel dumped on their porch that’s likely to get stolen. I think this attitude is really just making a rod for your own back, saying “no” to cold callers is much easier than realising too late that you ignored something important.

Absolutely. This.

Manorbier · 02/02/2023 19:25

icelolly12 · 02/02/2023 19:16

Why would knocking on a neighbours door be quicker than running into her own house to use the phone? She sounds like a drama queen!

I totally echo this !!

Ellyesse · 02/02/2023 19:27

Pennyfin81 · 02/02/2023 18:35

I'm amazed they had the cheek to confront her about it. It's their child maybe they should learn how to look after it.

By dumping their feelings on OP, the neighbours are inviting people to look critically at why their son had an accident in the road in the first place.

I'm by no means a Freudian kind of Psychologist or Analyst but I do think there's a lot in the theory of projection. People who are feeling something badly like guilt or shame or regret project it onto someone whom they find is the easiest person to attack and onto whom these feelings will stick most easily.

This is a classic case, the neighbours know their son was unsupervised, on the road and exposed to danger when they were not watching over him and he had an accident. Then they discover that the person whose door they knocked did not answer them! They're not interested in being reasonable or logical. They jump straight away on someone they can attack for what they can frame as being negligent. They can project all their own fears about not bothering to go outside and watch over their child and keep him off the road, all their guilt about him being there alone, and their anger that he had an accident and showed them up for being negligent parents. Now they can blame someone else!!

Projection always comes with anger. They want to point the finger at you. In this situation you need to take a step back. Think. Are you responsible for their feelings, or their lives, or what has happened? They love to say things like you are crazy or selfish so if you do not have a happy sense of self you may take on their projection. Keep calm and remember you are not responsible for their feelings. Don't get involved in an argument of justifying yourself. Just keep calm, even if you feel differently inside.

The OP is certainly the object of her neighbours' projection of their feelings about themselves. They really want her to feel all the guilt and anger they feel at themselves for letting their child play in the road and have an accident. As soon as she said she does not use her front door they were ready to jump. They probably do it in other situations all the time.

It's also interesting how some people on here project blame on the OP for not answering her front door. In experimental psychology it would be said she had 'learned' not to answer the front door by getting so much negative feedback from doing so. Thus she had made an adaptive choice about that part of her environment- in psychological terms. In everyday life, she simply has the right to choose how to respond. She does not have a duty to answer that door any more than we have a duty to answer the phone every time it rings. So why do people attack her for not answering? They are projecting their own feelings. They either feel guilty and want her to feel guilty or they have a need to know who is at the door, come what may. But they are being irrational. It is her door. Nobody can blame her for not answering it. Also there is the important point she did not know who it was or why they knocked and they did not bother to try and get to her by the back door which they would have known about.

If you want to learn about projection, there's a brilliant short talk by Stephanie Lyn: Understanding Projection and How to Handle it!

Lndnmummy · 02/02/2023 19:28

ReneBumsWombats · 02/02/2023 19:14

I suppose we wouldn't know if they didn't.

I certainly don't know anyone who's open (boom boom) about it but then I guess it's not a conversation we'd be likely to have.

Obviously you don't have to. I admit I do wonder what you're worried about but I guess some people aren't so confident about dismissing cold callers. They actually form a minority of my unexpected doorbell rings, though. It's usually a delivery for my husband or a neighbour who's out (or not answering, I guess).

I am not worried. It disturbs me thats all. I have two young kids and have to run down two flights of stairs. I just don't fancy doing that. My family are overseas so they wont call around. Any deliveries I keep an eye out for. My friends wouldn't rock up unannounced. So if the doorbell rings its unlikely to be anything that is positive. So I don't open.

poetryandwine · 02/02/2023 19:28

A thought: Finland, which is too small for the G7 but relatively prosperous, is yet again the Happiest Country in the World for 2023 (worldpoulationreview.com - I can’t link on my phone). Its strong sense of communal support and mutual trust is cited as the key factor. Britain has slipped 10 places from 2020, now ranking 18th.

The YANBUs on this thread seem to me to be arguing that individualism trumps communal support. I said earlier I don’t think that YANBU would win in America, for all the talk of individual rights , and the US ranks 7th. I have reason to believe YANBU would lose in other Northern European countries I am quite familiar with where people may be reserved but are fundamentally supportive. These countries are also consistently much happier than the UK. Interesting correlations

Lndnmummy · 02/02/2023 19:30

ReneBumsWombats · 02/02/2023 19:14

I suppose we wouldn't know if they didn't.

I certainly don't know anyone who's open (boom boom) about it but then I guess it's not a conversation we'd be likely to have.

Obviously you don't have to. I admit I do wonder what you're worried about but I guess some people aren't so confident about dismissing cold callers. They actually form a minority of my unexpected doorbell rings, though. It's usually a delivery for my husband or a neighbour who's out (or not answering, I guess).

Ah yes, the parcels to the neighbours is a reason I don't open the door. They are racist and ignorant so I reckon they can collect any missed deliveries from the post office.

poetryandwine · 02/02/2023 19:31

Perhaps it is also true that part of being a good neighbour in the happier countries is exploiting your homebound neighbours less (parcels, etc) - I can see how that would get annoying

Crookie79 · 02/02/2023 19:32

Your not being weird by not opening the door it's upto you your house your rules don't have to explain to your neighbours why u didn't open the door tell them to foff next time

bossyrossy · 02/02/2023 19:32

You could have gone to the front door and asked “ Who is it?” before opening it.

Lndnmummy · 02/02/2023 19:35

poetryandwine · 02/02/2023 19:31

Perhaps it is also true that part of being a good neighbour in the happier countries is exploiting your homebound neighbours less (parcels, etc) - I can see how that would get annoying

I am from one of the nordic countries and the happiness thing I am not sure. Many Finns are alcoholics and on antidepressants. Other Scandis too. Not saying the welfare state isnt great, it has its advantages sure. But happiness, not sure. Content and not complaining perhaps. Due to jantelagen. It is rude to complain when people have it worse. So I can imagine that with a war in nearby ukraine they would not complain. How could they, they'd feel. Not when people on their door step are fighting for their lives. Remember culture in all this happiness studies

takealettermsjones · 02/02/2023 19:38

poetryandwine · 02/02/2023 19:28

A thought: Finland, which is too small for the G7 but relatively prosperous, is yet again the Happiest Country in the World for 2023 (worldpoulationreview.com - I can’t link on my phone). Its strong sense of communal support and mutual trust is cited as the key factor. Britain has slipped 10 places from 2020, now ranking 18th.

The YANBUs on this thread seem to me to be arguing that individualism trumps communal support. I said earlier I don’t think that YANBU would win in America, for all the talk of individual rights , and the US ranks 7th. I have reason to believe YANBU would lose in other Northern European countries I am quite familiar with where people may be reserved but are fundamentally supportive. These countries are also consistently much happier than the UK. Interesting correlations

But you only actually have the data on happiness ratings, you don't have ratios of door-openers to non-door-openers in all those countries. So you've just made up the correlations!

oosha · 02/02/2023 19:40

I barely ever answer the door unless I’m expecting someone. If it’s important, they will come back. There is no legal obligation to answer your door but you would think there was judging by the responses you have had. You do whatever you are comfortable with and don’t worry what anyone else thinks.

sianiboo · 02/02/2023 19:40

I stopped answering my front door, when I don't know who it is, after September 2001. That's when one night, 3 young men, pissed off customers of what turned out to be the drug dealers who lived next door, decided to force themselves into my house, hold me at knife point and sexually assault me. They also stole anything even vaguely valuable that wasn't nailed down and they could carry. The whole thing lasted about an hour.

I had to move house under Police escort that night, spent the next 3 weeks trying to find somewhere to live, ended up having a massive nervous breakdown and having to leave my job. I still have nightmares about it to this day. I haven't lived in property without a camera entry system or that opens directly onto the street since.

So anyone who posted here calling the OP names for exercising her perfectly acceptable choice regarding her OWN FUCKING FRONT DOOR can go fuck themselves a million times over.

poetryandwine · 02/02/2023 19:42

Sort of true, @takealettermsjones . I shared the thread with friends from home and YABU won by a landslide. I know some of them voted and recognised some comments.

I always enjoy international perspectives on AIBU questions but never more than this one

DuskHail · 02/02/2023 19:44

Why the hell is everyone on the side of the psycho neighbours?? How is it selfish to not answer your door? You can do wtf you like in your own home/space - op you’re not being unreasonable they sound like idiots.

takealettermsjones · 02/02/2023 19:44

sianiboo · 02/02/2023 19:40

I stopped answering my front door, when I don't know who it is, after September 2001. That's when one night, 3 young men, pissed off customers of what turned out to be the drug dealers who lived next door, decided to force themselves into my house, hold me at knife point and sexually assault me. They also stole anything even vaguely valuable that wasn't nailed down and they could carry. The whole thing lasted about an hour.

I had to move house under Police escort that night, spent the next 3 weeks trying to find somewhere to live, ended up having a massive nervous breakdown and having to leave my job. I still have nightmares about it to this day. I haven't lived in property without a camera entry system or that opens directly onto the street since.

So anyone who posted here calling the OP names for exercising her perfectly acceptable choice regarding her OWN FUCKING FRONT DOOR can go fuck themselves a million times over.

Jesus. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

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