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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aggressive school mum

163 replies

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 14:17

Our two sons, both KS2 are usually friends but sometimes fall out. Yesterday they fell out and pushed each other and ended up with a graze each. I spoke to my son (again) saying that since he only falls out with this boy, it might be better to just play with his other friends instead, and move on from this friendship. The other mum is very angry, doesn't acknowledge her son's responsibility in any of this, and every time it happens sends me angry texts. She started texting me last night about it and most of today, including trying to get mutual friends involved.

When she text, I said that I think they're equally to blame, but she went on and on and in the end I said that we're just repeatng ourselves and I have nothing further to add. She, however, continued to send angry texts last night and on and off today, which I haven't acknowledged. I'm due to pick my son up soon and am dreading her marching across the playground causing an argument. She's naturally quite loud and aggressive whereas I find any confrontation absolutely mortifying. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Northbright · 01/02/2023 18:12

School needs to deal with this not the parents as you guys weren't there and will have no proper idea of what happened. Ridiculous that the mother is even discussing it with you.

Mandyjack · 01/02/2023 18:13

Sounds like her son is much like his mother!

weffles · 01/02/2023 18:22

This! Her behaviour is absolutely inappropriate and over the top.

Justbefair · 01/02/2023 18:22

For goodness sake, getting involved in every little spat at this level is just ridiculous! Kids, esp boys, fight, fall out the make up. As a long time teacher and parent of a son, I realised very quickly that what was one day a drama was completely forgotten about the next day and so on. Ignore, block, remain calm, she has the problem of being over dramatic. No one likes confrontation but unfortunately some thrive on it. I'd she does start shouting, keep calm, say you're not comfortable having the discussion now, shall we take it inside to the head's office, talk after other parents have gone, wait until you're less angry...

Mañanarama · 01/02/2023 18:24

I had this exact situation with a school mum. Our boys often clashed, and while mine would get a dressing down at home, she wouldn’t accept her son had done anything wrong and sent me abusive and threatening texts painting my son as the villain. I told school, they weren’t surprised by her behaviour in the slightest and I asked them to keep the boys separate as much as possible. Outside of school my son was totally banned from seeing the other boy.

Fast forward a few years and her son has been expelled from two secondary schools, been in lots of trouble with police, and they’ve had to put bars on his bedroom window to stop him escaping at night to go thugging about town and drug dealing.

I am so glad I “disconnected” the friendship while still at primary where I had school support, and suggest you do the same OP, sooner rather than later. You do not want your boy being on this kids radar when they go to secondary school. Different world. Break it up now.

evian76 · 01/02/2023 18:37

I think I’d just say you don’t know who’s starting what so you can’t comment and so it’s only fair to leave it to the school. I would then gently point out that the endless texts are not invited and it’s best to keep any communication through the school. I would then say very politely that the texts are causing you stress and that you will therefore be blocking her. Then block her, and make a coffee/ pour a glass of wine to celebrate the impending peace…

JM88Jen · 01/02/2023 18:40

Ughh I hate parents like that. You have shown you know it's your child's fault too but still to go on at you is childish.
I had similar with a mother when my eldest was in primary school. She would send texts like ' came home sad today because your daughter did/said this'... I came to find out my daughter had been retaliating to her child's shizz but made it clear my daughter is no angel and I would talk to her anyway to make sure she wasnt being unkind etc etc.
It came to a head once as I told her to ring me instead and I just gave it to her straight (in the nicest way)
Kids fall out and sometimes get back to being good friends again. No need for parents acting like children and making others feel uncomfortable at the school playground. Hope you're ok.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 01/02/2023 18:43

Point out with the example she's setting it's not going to encourage friendship. She is being aggressive. You are showing ds its OK not to interact if you cannot do so nicely. Maybe she needs to learn that so she can teach her child the same.

AllyArty · 01/02/2023 19:14

I would email the school and ask that your email is put on your sons file. Start with a paragraph of background info. Then tell them about her relentless texts and inability to accept that her ds may be partly to blame. Tell them you feel intimidated by her. Ask them to monitor both boys, and request feedback in a months time.

Covermeinsunshine · 01/02/2023 19:47

I’m calling BS. I read this that the incident happened and the other boy went to a teacher with what had happened. (instigators don’t do this) The teacher didn’t investigate properly (as is often the case).

OP you admit these two boys have a history of falling out. How do you know your son isn’t a bully? He’s not going to admit that he caused it or that he’s not being a nice kid.

The mother has tried to sort this with you, but you’re one of those passive parents that thinks boys will be boys and her son couldn’t possibly be instigating anything…. the other parent must be irrational.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the other Mum is hacked off, because you won’t acknowledge that your son is out of order, and is messaging other parents because he is in fact out of order with other kids, but no one wants to get involved.

Keep an eye on your son, because it sounds to me like he’s a little sh*t and he’s also not being truthful to you… though I suspect the truth isn’t really what you want to hear.

WiddlinDiddlin · 01/02/2023 20:01

Instigators don't do this?

Bullshit. There was a horrible little bully in the year above me at primary and her MO was to start something nasty, shove or hit another kid then if they retaliated (and sometimes, even if they didn't!) run to a teacher crying and saying the other kid did something.

Worked every time, she got loads of attention and would smirk at the kid she'd been bullying when teachers weren't looking.

Rainbowsparkles29 · 01/02/2023 20:03

FFS I can't stand drama llama parents. They pull this shit and smother their child then in a few years (if they aren't already) they'll be wondering why their kid struggles so much with emotional regulation and getting them every psychiatric diagnosis under the sun rather than admit that their parenting is in any way shaping their child. I have a friend who's doing exactly this to her preteen and it's heartbreaking to see.

The sad truth is that if both boys were just left to it they would probably have just made up and got over it. I think this is all that needs to be said to either child...

'Neither of you should be shoving and you deserve to feel safe and respected in your friendships. Nobody saw all of what went on and we don't need to be your judge, jury and executioner because you're getting older and won't always be wathching your every move. You're mature enough to think the incident through yourself. If you think you were fully/partly to blame then you need to apologise to your friend, accept that the consequence of treating them like this is that they might want to keep their distance and let them approach you if they want to. If you think the friend is to blame then you need to decide how much of that you're willing to tolerate and you have every right to walk away and keep your distance if it's causing trouble. Parents/teachers will separate you both if you're being aggressive to each other and will enforce consequences if they witness aggression but otherwise it isn't up to anyone to police your friendships'

Don't indulge in the mum drama. She'll just escalate it if you feed it. This is about your kids not you and your kids are probably just fine

larlypops · 01/02/2023 20:05

I had a similar issue, my son anyways got the blame as did other kids yet her son is an angel.
never spoke to her again as couldn’t be arsed, son still plays with occasionally but I don’t get the crap that used to come with it.

Welshmonster · 01/02/2023 20:07

It is not schools job to sort out issues between parents. There is enough to do with sorting out the kids drama

report the message online to 101 police as harassment. Keep the crime reference number and keep adding the messages.

if you are worried for your safety, schools are allowed to bar people from the school grounds as a last resort.

it sucks but for a short while you could ask if you could collect your pupil 15 mins before the end of school day from office. Then you have been and gone and not there to engage.

inform other parent you are informing police of the content of her the threatening messages.

JohnPrescottsPyjamas · 01/02/2023 20:10

Covermeinsunshine · 01/02/2023 19:47

I’m calling BS. I read this that the incident happened and the other boy went to a teacher with what had happened. (instigators don’t do this) The teacher didn’t investigate properly (as is often the case).

OP you admit these two boys have a history of falling out. How do you know your son isn’t a bully? He’s not going to admit that he caused it or that he’s not being a nice kid.

The mother has tried to sort this with you, but you’re one of those passive parents that thinks boys will be boys and her son couldn’t possibly be instigating anything…. the other parent must be irrational.

I’m going to hazard a guess that the other Mum is hacked off, because you won’t acknowledge that your son is out of order, and is messaging other parents because he is in fact out of order with other kids, but no one wants to get involved.

Keep an eye on your son, because it sounds to me like he’s a little sh*t and he’s also not being truthful to you… though I suspect the truth isn’t really what you want to hear.

I would possibly disagree.

Having worked in a primary school for many years, instigators quite often DO report an incident to a teacher in order to get their version in first - particularly if they’re manipulative. They can be switched on enough to have worked out that the adult will sometimes start to have formed an opinion on what happened based on a one sided account. Most experienced staff will have learnt it’s always worthwhile following up and questioning both parties before making an assumption.

As a parent too, I’m aware that the home version can also differ from what happened in school but I think the OP would be wise to let the school know they are aware there has been an issue and let them deal with it as appropriate. You’re correct in the fact that some parents cannot ever accept that their child is at fault and that they are the wronged party, but unless this was a huge incident, there is no necessity for parents to get involved. So often I’ve seen it happen, only for the two children involved to be the best of mates again within a couple of days!

Wimin123 · 01/02/2023 20:32

Blimey that mother sounds like a lot of the ones on here tbh - just read a thread on a mum with an unwell child struggling with work - not much sympathy as usual.

Atsocta · 01/02/2023 20:37

Definitely inform the school .. what a bully!!

Bunnyfuller · 01/02/2023 20:39

She is as convinced her son isn’t at fault, as you are about yours. Children are very good at giving an edited version of events. The playground teacher told them off and you and the other mum have dug your heels in. Who cares WHICH kid started it, just tell your son not to behave in that way, and let it go. And fgs get out of the cliquey WhatsApp group. You can survive the school years without it.

You need to learn the difference between kids bickering, and actual bullying, or it’s going to be a draining few years.

Laisydaisy · 01/02/2023 20:45

I love this book. It was written by a friend of my MIL although I didn’t know that when I first came across it. She also wrote one about sex called The Mirror Within’. It’s years since I read it and it may not be in print now but I thought that was terrific too

Starlitestarbright · 01/02/2023 21:13

At 10 they should be able to sort it put themselves. God help them both when they go to senior school. I thought it was two 6 year olds.

Augustmummy · 01/02/2023 21:28

she is bullying and harassing you. Report it to the school and keep records every time she contacts you. You shouldn't be dreading coming into the school and terrified. You need to do something about this woman - don't let her win by not speaking up about it. She will get addicted to bullying you and start getting a kick out of it. Don't let it get that far.

RAC001 · 01/02/2023 21:45

Change your mobile number, contact the teacher and if she approaches you at the school about why you didn't contact her back tell her you changed your number.
Remove yourself from it all, it's not worth the stress.

ThereIbledit · 01/02/2023 21:55

Why haven't you just blocked her already? It's the most passive non-confrontational thing you can do without doing absolutely nothing in self-defense at all!

CrazyLadie · 01/02/2023 22:44

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 19:57

Thank you for all the lovely messages. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, the evenings are pretty full with dinner and homework etc. I’ll try and respond to a few comments:

Could you ask a friend to walk to / from school with you, for moral support?
I usually bump into other mums on the way to school, so yes I did arrive with a few friends. I did tell one of them about it so she would be pre-warned in case anything happened.

A simple, "neither of them should be pushing/hitting, I've told ds this and I've asked the school to keep an eye on them, feel free to do that same", should be enough.
She doesn't acknowledge that her boy did anything. She claims that he was the innocent victim.

What exactly does she want? What is she saying in her message?
She is angry and wants me to apologise for my child’s behaviour, and she wants me to acknowledge that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. I get this every time they fall out, although this is the first time that she has relentlessly text me about it. I usually tell her that both children are to blame, she rants a bit and then goes away. This time she has ranted on loop to the point where I told her I wasn’t going to reply any more and have just ignored the messages. She hasn’t stopped and keeps trying to provoke a response.

Sorry to hear that so many of you have experienced similar - or worse!

Physical fighting at KS2 can get serious.
It can, but in this case it really wasn’t. Neither boy is particularly boisterous. They both pushed each other in the playground, but a teacher was right next to them, saw it and told them both off.

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Are you sure you want him playing with the child of such an aggressive parent - do they play out of school, & that's why you have each other's numbers? I'd put a stop to any of that, I would not want my child potentially subjected to her anger.
We have each other’s numbers because we are both on the class chat. I certainly don’t want them playing together outside of school (or in school if I could help it).

Give her full eye contact, stand tall & still, fold your arms across your chest & just watch her like she's a David Attenborough exhibit.
I love this.

If you're worried about the opinion of anyone who is not your friend - stop. You do not need their opinion, good or otherwise.
That’s good advice.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for the link, that’s really helpful.

So this afternoon she didn’t confront me on the playground. I arrived with friends and even when she walked past me, nothing happened. However, it seems that she complained to the school today with what seems like a skewed version of events. From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story. My DS is really upset because he said that they both pushed each other. Her DS 'confirmed' that he was an innocent victim.

She told him off without even asking for his side of the story, I wouldn't be happy with that. I got called to school one to be told my son had aggressively ripped his best mates jacket, wee man was beside himself thought it was because he hates getting into trouble, spile to him when I got home and got a very suffering story, Caleb his best mates Mum and she said her son was telling the same story as mine and it wasn't even my son who pulled the jacket and ripped it, poor toot lost golden time and all because the teacher didn't bother to ask the kids what happened and she didn't see clearly from where she was. I phone the assistant head and told her exactly what happened and asked why they didn't bother to actually ask the kids what was going on

T1Dmama · 01/02/2023 22:51

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story.

His form teacher has taken this mothers word over a colleague who actually witnessed the incident?

^ This ^
Surely the teacher that was ‘right there’ and witnessed this incident can put an end to this?! Ask him/her exactly what happened and if her son started it you can smugly tell her and their teacher that they both owe your son an apology… if it was your son you can respond accordingly!
Hopefully she’ll request her son is moved moving into next year. I feel it’s wrong for a teacher to tell a kid off without the facts.

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