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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Aggressive school mum

163 replies

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 14:17

Our two sons, both KS2 are usually friends but sometimes fall out. Yesterday they fell out and pushed each other and ended up with a graze each. I spoke to my son (again) saying that since he only falls out with this boy, it might be better to just play with his other friends instead, and move on from this friendship. The other mum is very angry, doesn't acknowledge her son's responsibility in any of this, and every time it happens sends me angry texts. She started texting me last night about it and most of today, including trying to get mutual friends involved.

When she text, I said that I think they're equally to blame, but she went on and on and in the end I said that we're just repeatng ourselves and I have nothing further to add. She, however, continued to send angry texts last night and on and off today, which I haven't acknowledged. I'm due to pick my son up soon and am dreading her marching across the playground causing an argument. She's naturally quite loud and aggressive whereas I find any confrontation absolutely mortifying. I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:09

Fighting at 10 is actually quite serious because these aren’t small boys

OhWhatNowYouFish · 01/02/2023 10:10

I emailed the teacher and she has responded. I apologised for emailing her about something that should be so trivial, but because the mum is still sending angry texts, I asked if the boys could be kept away from each other as much as possible.

I got a somewhat generic response back, saying she'll keep an eye out. She said she has also replied to the other mum. Hopefully that's the end of it now.

OP posts:
Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:13

I'm not sure they'd actively defend me because most people don't want to get involved and escalate things

you need to get new friends. You’re saying if this woman came over and aggressively had a go at you.. none of your “friends” would say anything?

at 10… for two boys to be falling out fairly regularly, that is unusual. What are they “falling out” over?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story.

His form teacher has taken this mothers word over a colleague who actually witnessed the incident?

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

Your child’s form teacher is shit if this is indeed the reality of what happened

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 10:33

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 10:16

Your child’s form teacher is shit if this is indeed the reality of what happened

I agree.

I would definitely be going into see the HT.

How dare the teacher reprimand one child, whilst not witnessing what happened, not allowing the child to speak, all while another teacher actually was a witness.

Very poir behaviour.
The HT needs to be involved.

Allowing both children to speak and finding out what actually happened is very basic practice.

WhatNoRaisins · 01/02/2023 11:25

In my experience at school the kids learn to give those with overly involved parents like this a wide berth. I'd be advising your son to focus on other people and avoiding drama with this boy.

SchoolTripDrama · 01/02/2023 15:24

OhWhatNowYouFish · 31/01/2023 19:57

Thank you for all the lovely messages. Sorry it’s taken so long to reply, the evenings are pretty full with dinner and homework etc. I’ll try and respond to a few comments:

Could you ask a friend to walk to / from school with you, for moral support?
I usually bump into other mums on the way to school, so yes I did arrive with a few friends. I did tell one of them about it so she would be pre-warned in case anything happened.

A simple, "neither of them should be pushing/hitting, I've told ds this and I've asked the school to keep an eye on them, feel free to do that same", should be enough.
She doesn't acknowledge that her boy did anything. She claims that he was the innocent victim.

What exactly does she want? What is she saying in her message?
She is angry and wants me to apologise for my child’s behaviour, and she wants me to acknowledge that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. I get this every time they fall out, although this is the first time that she has relentlessly text me about it. I usually tell her that both children are to blame, she rants a bit and then goes away. This time she has ranted on loop to the point where I told her I wasn’t going to reply any more and have just ignored the messages. She hasn’t stopped and keeps trying to provoke a response.

Sorry to hear that so many of you have experienced similar - or worse!

Physical fighting at KS2 can get serious.
It can, but in this case it really wasn’t. Neither boy is particularly boisterous. They both pushed each other in the playground, but a teacher was right next to them, saw it and told them both off.

Is this an amorphous terror, or do you have specific concerns about what she might do with her anger?
I think I’m being irrationally worried because I hate confrontation. Although if she ever did have a go at me at school, my overriding feeling would be embarrassment.

Are you sure you want him playing with the child of such an aggressive parent - do they play out of school, & that's why you have each other's numbers? I'd put a stop to any of that, I would not want my child potentially subjected to her anger.
We have each other’s numbers because we are both on the class chat. I certainly don’t want them playing together outside of school (or in school if I could help it).

Give her full eye contact, stand tall & still, fold your arms across your chest & just watch her like she's a David Attenborough exhibit.
I love this.

If you're worried about the opinion of anyone who is not your friend - stop. You do not need their opinion, good or otherwise.
That’s good advice.

@KettrickenSmiled Thank you for the link, that’s really helpful.

So this afternoon she didn’t confront me on the playground. I arrived with friends and even when she walked past me, nothing happened. However, it seems that she complained to the school today with what seems like a skewed version of events. From my understanding, a teacher on the playground witnessed it and told them both off, and to me, the matter was over. I found out after picking up DS that his class teacher pulled him aside this afternoon and told him off for what had happened, the teacher took the mum’s word as fact and wouldn’t even entertain my son’s side of the story. My DS is really upset because he said that they both pushed each other. Her DS 'confirmed' that he was an innocent victim.

that her son is the victim and my child is aggressive. But it’s simply not the case. What proof do you have of this? Unless you have actual evidence either way, then you cannot be so certain!
They may well have both been equally to blame but also, she may be correct! Unless you were there when it happened, you cannot possibly say "But it's simply not the case"

SchoolTripDrama · 01/02/2023 15:29

FYI - I am categorically NOT defending the other mother's handling of this! Just to make that very clear!

girlfriend44 · 01/02/2023 15:29

poor teachers, they are there to teach they cant keep getting involved in little squabbles all the time.

Just let the kids sort it out, they will soon be friends and lighten up everyone. All this aggression and worry. parents cant keep getting invloved in everything, they werent there so they dont know what happened anyway.
part of lifes learning.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 15:31

girlfriend44 · 01/02/2023 15:29

poor teachers, they are there to teach they cant keep getting involved in little squabbles all the time.

Just let the kids sort it out, they will soon be friends and lighten up everyone. All this aggression and worry. parents cant keep getting invloved in everything, they werent there so they dont know what happened anyway.
part of lifes learning.

When 10 year old boys start to have physical fights as these two are - damn right the school should get involved

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 15:33

but the teachers sure as heck shouldn’t be getting in to squabbles between the Op and this other parent!

queenqueefy · 01/02/2023 15:36

Block her number.

PrincessConstance · 01/02/2023 16:06

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 15:31

When 10 year old boys start to have physical fights as these two are - damn right the school should get involved

It was a graze.
I'd terminate the friendship and block her.

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:07

PrincessConstance · 01/02/2023 16:06

It was a graze.
I'd terminate the friendship and block her.

They each pushed each other over
they have fallen out multiple times

any decent school would be involved because at 10, if this continues, then they could have a proper fight and hurt themselves

Whatislove82 · 01/02/2023 16:08

PrincessConstance · 01/02/2023 16:06

It was a graze.
I'd terminate the friendship and block her.

I”terminate the friendship”

between the boys?

Topseyt123 · 01/02/2023 16:31

I don't see why you can't just block her everywhere. I would. She is harassing you, but you do have the power to take some control.

This woman sounds like a bully and a bit of a coward to me. She's already demonstrated that she is unlikely to approach you publicly in the playground.

Block her and don't let her bully you. She'll soon give up if her messages can't get through and therefore no response is forthcoming.

Survey99 · 01/02/2023 16:39

A simple, "neither of them should be pushing/hitting, I've told ds this and I've asked the school to keep an eye on them, feel free to do that same", should be enough.

She doesn't acknowledge that her boy did anything. She claims that he was the innocent victim.

You don't need her to acknowledge, and you don't need to acknowledge to her either. Saying neither should be pushing is simply an acknowledgement pushing is wrong, not an admission of anything. Just agree pushing is wrong and refer her to the school and don't get involved any deeper.

Thinking2022 · 01/02/2023 17:37

The local primary has a strict policy that any issues like this are to be dealt with by the school and not by the parents. As others had said, please do let the school know about the issue. The event happened at school and the school team will deal with it (hopefully)

WTAFhappened123 · 01/02/2023 17:53

Or is your son the bully and you’re being ‘one of those’ parents that ignore the fact their son is the aggressor?

HauntedPencil · 01/02/2023 17:58

I would just text this is a situation that's happening in school I have told my DS they shouldn't be pushing each other and he's been dealt with appropriately at home, I will go into school and discuss this with the staff. As it's happening there, this is the best route and I suggest you do the same too. And block

StaceySolomonSwash · 01/02/2023 17:59

Geneticsbunny · 31/01/2023 14:38

Would you be up for inviting her and her son over after school one day or maybe meeting at a park? Just thinking that if you can both see them playing then firstly it will put both your minds at rest and secondly, you can help them sort their differences out together.

Fucks sake why not offer her a cream egg too?

Just off to retrieve my eyeballs as they rolled right out of my head. 🤦🏻‍♀️

HauntedPencil · 01/02/2023 18:00

I have no idea why parents get involved like this it solves nothing.

pcl09 · 01/02/2023 18:04

If she kicks off, you stare blankly at her until she stops talking. When she does, you say “are you done?” Then go back to whatever you were doing before. If she rants again, you wait and say “are you done?” And repeat ad infinitum until she goes away. She will look ridiculous. As for whose child is to blame - and for people suggesting you are denying your child is a bully I cannot fathom how they could possibly have enough information to draw that conclusion. I’m more concerned that the teacher took your child to one side the following day - that’s hardly a balanced or considered response and sounds like a knee jerk reaction to stroppy Mum’s intervention. They probably placate her for a quiet life. Box this up and move on.

Scousefab · 01/02/2023 18:08

Sorry sounds like this mum has mental health issues. I think you need to contact the school and speak to the head teacher this parent may have done this to other parents. You have a right to pick your child up and be safe. I would keep a copy of the messages and block the number if you can. Just try and create as much space between you and the mum. Sending sympathies these people thrive on drama just don’t argue back and walk away.