@Mark19735
Hey - @Stillcountingbeans
A lot of the time it goes like this:
A 20-something couple rent somewhere together, both working.
Then biology kicks in and she they think about a baby.
But they don't think about a baby in the same way - because hormones.
He quite likes the idea of 'being a dad' just as much as she likes the idea of 'being a mum'.
Disagree - he doesn't want a baby 'just as much' as her. She doesn't merely 'like' the idea of a baby, she is biologically driven to crave a baby (obvs not all women, but I believe this is the case for most). This is why so many women stay with no-hopers despite the red flags in the early stages - they want a man, sometimes almost any man, because they are driven to 'start a family'. Being in love is a trick our biology plays on our brains.
They might think they understand the reality of nappies and lack of sleep, but actually neither of them have got a clue.
Agreed, but several hundred thousand years of evolution means that in most cases she will be able to find her reserves of strength and get through those early months, whereas he is more likely than her give up and opt out.
Then baby arrives and he steps up to the plate. He knows that he'll have to pay for more things, and that he now has three mouths to feed
You see 'stepping up to the plate' almost entirely in financial terms. She may have full maternity pay then go back to work, so she is in fact contributing just as much financially as him. Even if she only returns to work part time, she is saving the family unit from having to pay for childcare, a cleaner, a laundry service, bought-in meals, etc. etc.
In other words, she also now has three mouths to feed.
And on top of this, she continues to do all the household tasks that he opts out of, and also carries the mental load for the family.
but he accepts that he has entered into a twenty+ year commitment, so he knuckles down, works harder than ever before, goes for promotions, and just accepts that the early starts and long commutes and all that stress are worth it because he loves his family dearly.
If he really loved them, he would prioritise being at home, and give up the job with the long commute, take his share of parental leave in the first year, and thereafter share all the school runs, nursery closure days, child-off-sick days, etc. As well as doing his 50% of household tasks and mental work.
But, this isn't good enough for mum, who sees everything through the lens of having 'lost' her career, her previous life, and resents dad, who she believes is still enjoying all those things.
In many cases he is still enjoying work, and indeed he chooses to work more and longer, to avoid the dreaded bedtime routine with a fractious toddler, or the waking-every-three-hours nights. He does this because his work involves talking to adults and is more interesting than being in the company of a child all day, whilst telling himself he is doing it for the family.
Obviously she still wants the nice things - house, car, holidays - that two people used to be able to afford when paying for two, but she doesn't appreciate that one person paying for three places a greater burden, both financially and psychologically, on dad ... because she's never had to.
You are mistaken that one person pays for three - in most cases these days she returns to work, at least part time. And you are mistaken that she doesn't share the burden of financial hardship - after all she does most of the shopping and is acutely aware of rising prices.
Starved of adult company, she offloads all her woes and tribulations onto him at the end of each working day, without realising that he is carrying a day's worth of stress and pressure and needs to unwind.
Of course they both need to offload and unwind after a day of stress and pressure - are you suggesting there is no stress and pressure being at home with a child, whilst also doing the lion's share of housework and carrying the mental load?
To him, the dishwashing or the hoovering are quite possibly the least important things in the world.
But to her they are very important: she knows that if the dishwashing isn't done, she will have no clean plates or pans to feed the child with the next day, or if the hoovering isn't done then the baby will be crawling on the floor putting all sorts of filthy bits into its mouth - she is aware of the consequences if tasks aren't done, whilst he is oblivious.
They row over trivial things. Life rapidly becomes unbearable for both of them.
If the baby is lucky, the parents work through it, mum appreciates what dad is doing for the family, and they stay together.
Likewise Dad has to appreciate what Mum is doing for the family.
If the baby is unlucky, dad leaves.
If the baby is really unlucky, dad is driven away, and mum shacks up with a new man
Men frequently are far more bothered about 'their' woman 'shacking up' with a new man than they are bothered about the welfare of their children.
and this drives a wedge between the dad and his DC.
Why would the woman's new partner drive a wedge between the dad and his children? That makes no sense. More likely the Dad perceives a 'wedge' because he can@Stillcountingbeans't cope with the re relationship with his children a priority in his life now that he no longer lives with their mum.
But that's OK, because several hundred MN posters think it's what passes for 'therapy'.
I have no idea what you mean by this.