Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry at all these threads on useless and selfish men

820 replies

Winterday1991 · 30/01/2023 15:31

Off the back of the thread where the H refuses to care for his sick child so the OP can get some much needed rest as he is on annual leave from work 😡. I am seriously fed up of reading threads like this, why are so many men so selfish?

Why is it always women who have to do the lions share of caring, pulling themselves in all direction whilst their male counterparts glide through life uninterrupted? Why is it always women who carry the mental load for family life and the men just show up. Why is always women responsible for maintaining the household?

Even in the 21st century, why do so many men get such a bloody easy ride, whilst often their poor wives/partners are running around like headless chickens keeping on top of everything.

OP posts:
Witsendwilly · 30/01/2023 19:41

Winterday1991 · 30/01/2023 15:31

Off the back of the thread where the H refuses to care for his sick child so the OP can get some much needed rest as he is on annual leave from work 😡. I am seriously fed up of reading threads like this, why are so many men so selfish?

Why is it always women who have to do the lions share of caring, pulling themselves in all direction whilst their male counterparts glide through life uninterrupted? Why is it always women who carry the mental load for family life and the men just show up. Why is always women responsible for maintaining the household?

Even in the 21st century, why do so many men get such a bloody easy ride, whilst often their poor wives/partners are running around like headless chickens keeping on top of everything.

This is a mainly female forum. Of course there are lots of threads moaning about men.

Go on to a male forum and it will be the opposite.

Some men are useless and some women are useless. That’s life

WalterWitty · 30/01/2023 19:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MiaMoor · 30/01/2023 19:42

I’m sure there was some research done that proved married men were happier because they had a wife to do all the shit stuff, and married women were unhappier?

I think I’ve built up in my head how much better things would be with a female partner, but possibly because once you can see the everyday misogyny (ignored by so many) you can’t unsee it.

saraclara · 30/01/2023 19:46

TheaBrandt · 30/01/2023 15:40

Well only the ones with crap useless men post about it. When I was out of action with covid for 2 weeks Dh quietly stepped up and just did everything. He also does Christmas. Didn’t need to start a thread about it though.

I haven't needed to read any further, because that's the point I wanted to make. Has anyone else made it and been accused of NAMALTing?

My DH was an equal parent. He was capable of, and did, as much as I did. And I don't have any friends who are married to useless men, either. I have a couple whose DHs had to do a lot of business travel so time wise couldn't put the same in. But when they were home they were fully involved.

Men in general are massively more involved in parenting and more useful now than at any point in my life (I was born in the 50s) and with any luck they'll continue to step up more/the good ones increase in numbers.

The useless ones will be posted about on AIBU. The rest won't.

TomPinch · 30/01/2023 19:47

Witsendwilly · 30/01/2023 19:41

This is a mainly female forum. Of course there are lots of threads moaning about men.

Go on to a male forum and it will be the opposite.

Some men are useless and some women are useless. That’s life

Show quote history

I can think of one UK one (which I won't name.)

There is a long-running thread on women doing "busywork" ie entirely optional tasks treated as essential.

On the whole women / relationships aren't mentioned at all.

saraclara · 30/01/2023 19:48

Oh, and if a father dared post here to say his wife didn't do enough, we know that he'd get eviscerated, and somehow it'd all be his fault.

MrLbz · 30/01/2023 19:51

The law has you covered here. If you married and had a child you have no need to put up with lazy man.

You can take nearly all his assets and get child support in the divorce.

MiaMoor · 30/01/2023 19:55

Expert says marriage makes men happier than women

“At the Hay literature festival in May, the happiness expert suggested that while marriage makes men happier and healthier, the opposite is true for wives: “If you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother,” he told the crowd.”

AppleDumplingWithCustard · 30/01/2023 20:10

I read about these useless lumps of flesh masquerading as men and put my hands together and thank the lord that I am very happily leading a single life with no intention whatsoever of changing this position.

3487642l · 30/01/2023 20:11

Mumsanetta · 30/01/2023 18:06

I frequently wonder if these feckless men are the norm rather than the exception but IRL I don’t know a single man like this or a woman who would put up with these cocklodgers. I have to remind myself of this when MN makes me feel like I hate men.

My circle of female friends all earn significantly more than their husbands and I wonder if the fact that we’re not financially dependent on our husbands means we’re less likely to put up with unacceptable behaviour. I just don’t know. Whatever the reason, I will certainly be teaching my daughter the importance of financial independence.

I agree with your conclusion and have come to it from a different perspective; I've been a SAHM and in my circle with other SAHMs the power imbalance is probably a factor as to why so many of the women I know deal with abusive treatment from their husbands/partners. Definitely agree that young women need to retain their career/financial power/ability to leave a relationship at a moments notice.

Mark19735 · 30/01/2023 20:14

It's always worth looking at the underlying data and the methodology.

Health outcomes are better for all married people (regardless of their sex) - one reason that has been proposed for this is because following a serious medical event such as a heart attack in the home, the non-afflicted person calls the ambulance. Where the same misfortune befalls a single person, they are more likely to die before medical help is summoned.

The reason this effect is even more pronounced for men is because many more men have heart attacks than women.

But sure ... go make your stupid man-hating points for LOLs.

AlwaysGinPlease · 30/01/2023 20:16

MrLbz · 30/01/2023 19:51

The law has you covered here. If you married and had a child you have no need to put up with lazy man.

You can take nearly all his assets and get child support in the divorce.

His assets? 🤔

SandraCumin · 30/01/2023 20:19

If we are all being honest with ourselves, the problem with men in society is never going to be resolved until we have the ability to manipulate the sex of babies during fertilisation. When that is possible we can drastically reduce the amount of males born and with that society will improve without any need for change.

TomPinch · 30/01/2023 20:22

MiaMoor · 30/01/2023 19:55

Expert says marriage makes men happier than women

“At the Hay literature festival in May, the happiness expert suggested that while marriage makes men happier and healthier, the opposite is true for wives: “If you’re a man, you should probably get married; if you’re a woman, don’t bother,” he told the crowd.”

Not Paul Dolan

Dolan said, “Married people are happier than other population subgroups, but only when their spouse is in the room when they’re asked how happy they are. When the spouse is not present: f*ing miserable.” Economist Gray Kimbrough pointed out that this conclusion was based on a misunderstanding of the term “spouse present” in the American Time Use Survey, which doesn't mean "spouse not in the room" but rather "spouse not living in the household".

It was a careless and attention-seeking remark by Dolan. His job as an academic is to be the opposite, so I wouldn't rely on any other conclusion he draws.

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:23

You mean the suicide stats that show women are more likely to attempt suicide and have suicidal ideation than men?

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:27

Mark19735 · 30/01/2023 19:13

Hey - @Stillcountingbeans

A lot of the time it goes like this:

A 20-something couple rent somewhere together, both working.
Then biology kicks in and she they think about a baby. He quite likes the idea of 'being a dad' just as much as she likes the idea of 'being a mum'.
They might think they understand the reality of nappies and lack of sleep, but actually neither of them have got a clue.
Then baby arrives and he steps up to the plate. He knows that he'll have to pay for more things, and that he now has three mouths to feed, but he accepts that he has entered into a twenty+ year commitment, so he knuckles down, works harder than ever before, goes for promotions, and just accepts that the early starts and long commutes and all that stress are worth it because he loves his family dearly.
But, this isn't good enough for mum, who sees everything through the lens of having 'lost' her career, her previous life, and resents dad, who she believes is still enjoying all those things. Obviously she still wants the nice things - house, car, holidays - that two people used to be able to afford when paying for two, but she doesn't appreciate that one person paying for three places a greater burden, both financially and psychologically, on dad ... because she's never had to. Starved of adult company, she offloads all her woes and tribulations onto him at the end of each working day, without realising that he is carrying a day's worth of stress and pressure and needs to unwind. To him, the dishwashing or the hoovering are quite possibly the least important things in the world. They row over trivial things. Life rapidly becomes unbearable for both of them.

If the baby is lucky, the parents work through it, mum appreciates what dad is doing for the family, and they stay together.
If the baby is unlucky, dad leaves.
If the baby is really unlucky, dad is driven away, and mum shacks up with a new man and this drives a wedge between the dad and his DC. But that's OK, because several hundred MN posters think it's what passes for 'therapy'.

Huh.

Is there a reason why the woman in your scenario has given up her career and financial independence?

Or why the man hasn't?

TomPinch · 30/01/2023 20:29

More about Paul Dolan:

Debate continued after Dolan's response, with a report by The Globe and Mail stating that Dolan's "most incendiary claims were based on a misreading of data."[26] Later press focussed on the portions of the book about resilience.[27]

This was after he had to publicly retract the claim I mentioned above.

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:35

On the op,

Im not sure why all the NAMers are out in force. It's a fairly well established fact that in heterosexual relationships, women do most of the work. Even when they're the higher earner.

No, it's not all men. Or all relationships. If it's not you or yours, excellent. But it's not something confined to women moaning on parenting forums.

How popular is dad's net BTW?

Mark19735 · 30/01/2023 20:35

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:27

Huh.

Is there a reason why the woman in your scenario has given up her career and financial independence?

Or why the man hasn't?

Show quote history

Not my scenario. Go back and check @Stillcountingbeans posts.

The original was a grotesque generalisation and a diatribe reeking of misandry - all I did was reboot it with the counter-balancing perspective.

Seems like more than a couple of posters didn't read the whole thread, or didn't clock that I'd name-checked the original, or are so embittered they don't want to accommodate nuance or context. Probably explains why the men in their lives hated them.

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:40

@Mark19735

No, it was your changing of the original post I was commenting on.

You were the one who introduced the idea of the man having to provide for 3 mouths and the woman resenting giving up her career. @Stillcountingbeans
Why is that?

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:41

Sorry didn't mean to tag @Stillcountingbeans there

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:42

And jeeze

You've the cheek to talk about misandry while the mysoginy is screaming out of you?

Mark19735 · 30/01/2023 20:46

"He resents the way she is always tired, no fun any more, they are short of money and she isn't earning as much, or is paying for childcare, so he resents having to pay for all the treats they used to enjoy. Where did that lovely, carefree 20-something woman go?"

Why is she not earning as much? Why is he paying for all the treats they used to enjoy?

The context was all in @Stillcountingbeans original post.

Botw1 · 30/01/2023 20:48

@Mark19735

The context of being a lower earner / being on mat leave or paying for childcare

Which you changed to the man being sole provider because the woman has given up her career.

How come?

Mark19735 · 30/01/2023 20:50

Balance?