So angry at all these threads on useless and selfish men

[Winterday1991]

Off the back of the thread where the H refuses to care for his sick child so the OP can get some much needed rest as he is on annual leave from work 😡. I am seriously fed up of reading threads like this, why are so many men so selfish?

Why is it always women who have to do the lions share of caring, pulling themselves in all direction whilst their male counterparts glide through life uninterrupted? Why is it always women who carry the mental load for family life and the men just show up. Why is always women responsible for maintaining the household?

Even in the 21st century, why do so many men get such a bloody easy ride, whilst often their poor wives/partners are running around like headless chickens keeping on top of everything.

No you should manage your schedules to mitigate or not create deliberate conflicts. Get your priorities in order.
Oh you want to add a 30-60 hrs career to your life with children. Of there's no time or energy. Talk about time deaf.

What you're asking doesn't exist.
Mental load is a nonsense concept.
Picking shoes, getting children ready or planning Xmas is Not a job.

If your so unhappy stay single, don't have children or leave your partners.
Then you can do it ALL in your own.

Good luck with your endeavours.

I do do it all on my own. I earn a six figure salary and I'm a lone parent to two children with SEN. I can assure you it does exist, we exist and I certainly don't need advice from you about "getting my priorities in order" thank you. I find your superior tone and advice almost as comical as Mark's.

Funny, it's not a job yo manage the household and yet you do seem to agree that it can't be done while working full time.

The point is that mental load is work. And it's annoyingly time.consuming. so watching your partner loll on the couch when you have been relentlessly planning, organising, scheduling etc is fucking annoying. It's not new shoes and hair cuts. It's teacher meetings and homework, socialisation and activities, health and nutrition and a million other things. All of which are very hard to fit in between a full time job.

on a parallel thread we have ample evidence of why so many MNetters are simply not worthy of the top jobs, or deserving of the respect they think they are entitled to. All they care about is status, and they haven't a clue about the things that actually matter.

Absolutely priceless example of psychological projection.

My partner is a partner and we do everything equally. Maybe I am just lucky

@PrincessConstance

No. Life (housework /parenting) isn't a job. For some, it's not even difficult or even hard work.

But. That. Is. Not. The. Point.

If you (as you say) choose to make a life (housework / parenting) with someone you presumably love, then you share the workload. Whatever that workload may be. As equally as possible.

You don't get to opt out of the boring 'low value' bits you don't like.

You don't get to decide your alleged partner in life is solely responsible for them cause you cba or think you're too special or too important. Or because you have a penis

Also, you didn't answer if you have kids?

@PrincessConstance

You only ever hear one side of the story on this forum, and everyone jumps to major conclusions that they should immediately dump/divorce and leave!! This is a truly horrible place to seek opinions and advice from random strangers.

Agree with other posters about boys being mollycoddled. Boys on average leave home 2 years later than girls and they're less likely to live alone or with mates. They go from living at home to living with a girlfriend, not learning how to take care of themselves or a household. I don't know why this is, but women tend to be more capable and independent!

Dp has two children who live here half the time.
No issues with planning, socialization, organizing, feeding, or dressing, non of it is an issue. I do see-notice things Dp doesn't.
As a parent what he doesn't do is over-obligate his children to extracurricular activities-groups and outings every hr of the day. He ignores most communications from the school. Organizing sleepovers takes seconds via whats app. We had an 8 child sleepover the other week organized after a birthday party off the cuff. No stress no drama.
You have this notion of how things should be but in actual fact, that's not how it is. Mental load, do men not have mental loads, people have mental loads, and expecting another to predict all the micro thoughts that appear in my head is preposterous.
You're overthinking, incessantly calculating how to split the house 50/50, it's absurd.
Tiring reading it.

@PrincessConstance

So thats a no then.

Explains a lot.

Im not over thinking anything. Sharing family life isnt difficult. If you can't manage it without finding it too tiring you're obviously not cut out for it.

ignores most communication from the school - yeah he sounds like he’s doing his bit 🙄

@Youraccountisnolongervalid

Why am I not surprised he 'doesn't have an issue or over obligate'

ie Does the bare minimum cause he knows the other parent will have to

Hilarious

@Botw1 I’d love to hear his kid’s mother’s side of the story 😂 ‘Disney Dad had 8 kids to sleep over but ops out of their school lives.’

Yeah, I thought that. Also, can't help wondering if he opts out of activities and school letters becuase his ex is very busy doing all those things. hahahaha.

@Mark19735’s perception of “value creation” in jobs is hilarious.

Any decent senior manager in a company knows they are only as good as their junior/support staff.

The “blue collar” staff (to take his metaphor) whether people on the shop floor or the SAHP in a household, is the foundation of the whole enterprise. If this doesn’t work coherently you can have as much strategy as you want and the whole thing comes down like a house of cards.

FTSE100 companies CEOs value their EAs and PAs more highly than almost anyone else in the whole company. And rightly so because these people run everything for them. They manage their diaries, they liaise with other departments and counterparts, they often see budgets, they book travel and lunches, they manage invitations and invoices etc. A lot of them are involved with planning their private and family lives too.

Anyone who claims this work is a dime a dozen doesn’t know the first thing about business.

My advice to women who want children?
Use a sperm donor.
Check out his medical history and pick someone with the physical characteristics you desire. Choose someone young- better quality sperm. Then get a decent career.
If you do later meet a man or woman you desire and want a relationship with then go for it, but keep it light. Don’t bring them into your home. Keep it fresh and exciting. Keep them on their toes you don’t want to end up washing their shitty underwear!

I don’t disagree with this.

In general (yes there are exceptions but they are a minority) the less men are involved in the infrastructure of a family the better for all concerned.

@PrincessConstance , you're not even qualified to comment, yet here you are, wanging on...

The other parent is a director of clinical services at a private hospital and works 60hrs plus per week. She hasn't and never has managed the children. That's why they're divorced.
Why does DP need to respond to book, and movie week, and sponsor a hamster week? PTFA events. They're not necessary for school life, no one is obligated to join in with bake-a bun week for instance. However, if you wish to schedule all these 100's micro-events, work full-time, over obligate yourself go ahead.
So realistically there are 2 parents' evenings a year, the odd trip, and a handful of parties and sleepovers. If you wish your child to be the next Vivaldi, whilst also pushing them to be the next Ronaldo, don't be surprised when you have no time.
I don't think a man whose children reside with him 50% is a Disney dad, do you?
Just because as a woman I won't agree with you on this point there's no need to be facetious.

@PrincessConstance

I didn't mention Disney dad's.

I said bare minimum.

Which is what you're advocating, no?

Otherwise you (general) wouldn't be able to cope? Whilst also trying to insult people by saying they wouldn't be cut out for a job.

Trying to lecture people doing something you have no experience of and readily admit you wouldn't be able to cope with is hilariously lacking in self awareness.

@PrincessConstance They irony that their divorce was due to the workload not being equal is totally lost on you isn’t it?

@Botw1

Trying to lecture people doing something you have no experience of and readily admit you wouldn't be able to cope with is hilariously lacking in self awareness.

This.

The whole point about mental load is that it’s largely invisible to, and inapplicable to, anyone other than mothers.

It’s not something which one applies to micro managing helicopter parents who schedule every minute of their kids lives. It’s a constant, relentless drumbeat in the back of the minds of anyone who has primary responsibility for children.

High-handed and patronising comments about better calendar management just demonstrate how poorly you understand this.

There are dreadful posts on Mumsnet where women are so insecure that they have to ask whether clearly outrageously unacceptable actions (or inactions) are reasonable or not. I read in amazement that some women are so confused about what is acceptable, and with sadness at the lack of self esteem. Where is all this coming from? Did women's lib achieve nothing?

When it comes to sex, I do think that porn has a lot to answer for - young men make demands that young women might not want, but they feel that they have to capitulate in order to be in the running for a mate.

When it comes to family life, many of the posts on here indicate that very often the desire for children emanates from the women, so the men treat the arrival of children as "the wife's project" and do not see that they should put themselves out over it. This is not true of all couples of course, but this is what comes across on many posts.

The only issue I have with what you've written is that companies really don't value these people (EA's and PA's) as much as you're suggesting as the pay isn't great.

EA and PA pay relative to other employees and even their CEO's doesn't back up what you're suggesting. That's not to say their work isn't valuable but if they were more valuable than anyone else in (a FTSE100) company, they'd be earning a whole lot more.

I've worked for a FTSE company. I was on six figures and worked in the same office as the PA to one of the directors. She was on about £30k. She was brilliant and everyone loved her but definitely not paid as if she were valued.

PA's have a bit of a varied past to be honest anyway. Whilst some directors are ok. A lot of senior figures have traditionally hired attractive 'arm candy' for use of a better word and used their position of power to leverage additional personal services, which became part of the job. I guess it's what happens when two people work so closely.

Wow, are some of you suggesting that parenting another person's children, under the same roof doesn't qualify you for an opinion?

How about parents that adopt or foster? They're not natural parents but am pretty sure they muck in like we all do.

I'm with @PrincessConstance. This mental load stuff is way overdone, in my opinion obviously. It's work but not something that bothers me particularly. People are talking like it's a massive burden. Perhaps if you're the only one doing it but there is an obvious solution to this (if you're in a relationship).