Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think I could meet up with friends and their children at weekends?

140 replies

PeachesMcLean · 06/02/2008 21:15

I work full time these days. All my friends with children work part time or at home full time. I'm very envious of this in several respects, this isn't a SAHM v WOHM thread, but why is it so effin hard to arrange to meet up?

I don't have this half term off work, so that's out. Try arranging a get together? Ha! Not a hope. Unless of course I can call round during a week day. I suggest weekends and it's all, "oh I'll have to see what DH is doing"... What? So, every weekend is so amazingly full of lovely family activities you can't possibly drag yourself away to meet up with a friend? No, I suspect not.

Now, my weekend is as precious as the next person's. Yes, it's my only real time with DS and DH but that doesn't mean we need to cling to each other like limpets.

Am I really being unreasonable? Grrrr...

OP posts:
Sushipaws · 06/02/2008 22:16

No, YANBU.

I work P/T and my DH gets one day off and that can be any day during the week.

My other SAHM friends expect me to come to groups and other meetings even if DH is off. But if I suggest doing anything at the weekend when thier DH's are off they look at me like I'm mad.

I appreciate family time is important but these people are meant to be friends and not just play mates for DD.

Original poster
PeachesMcLean · 06/02/2008 22:17

Can't go back to part time. Couldn't justify it to myself, DH or work. Think I've been too ambitious though. Now coming back to bite me. Am just discovering you can't have your cake and eat it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PeachesMcLean · 06/02/2008 22:20

Gawd came on here for a moan and it's like effing therapy. Never before called myself ambitious and believed it. AAAAAGGGGHHH.

OP posts:
beckystaffs · 06/02/2008 22:20

My dd1's bestfriend is now at nursery every morning. As i work in the afternoon/evening we don't get a chance to see them (dd1 is september baby so she doesn't go until next year).
DD really missses her little friend and constantly asks whether we are going to friends house.
Her mum is off "the weekend is family time" club, so my (and I suspect her lo's miss out on this friendship.
My dp works every sat, so i am always at at loose end, but can't think of visting as do not want upset friendship

elliott · 06/02/2008 22:22

It is tricky, and I have often wondered how to progress friendships I've made since having kids - you do sometimes feel you are somehow encroaching on family time if you suggest a weekend get-together...so I've tended to go for inviting the whole family round for Sunday lunch. If I just wanted to see a girlfriend, I would suggest an evening (weekend or not) - but I think it would be difficult to see a friend without their dh during weekend days.

SlartyBartFast · 06/02/2008 22:22

peaches
can you ds join a football club or go swimming or such, you can make friends on the side lines that way?

mrsruffallo · 06/02/2008 22:22

Come, lay down on my couch and look into my eyes. Why too ambitious, Peaches?

Original poster
PeachesMcLean · 06/02/2008 22:27

Do you charge for this mrsruffalo?

OP posts:
mrsruffallo · 06/02/2008 22:36

Nah, free for you Peachy!

HarrietTheSpy · 07/02/2008 00:31

I've had that too. It is so irritating - usually I'm talking about meeting up for a coffee or something, as well, not like an all day shopping trip to Oxford Street. People also mention coming round in the middle of the afternoon when I'm working from home too. "Aren't you off on Fridays?"

However...I can't resist this hijack...do people reckon this is more or less or equally irritating then friends whose children have rigid nap schedules and insist all meet ups work around these times? There's the morning nap from 9.30-10.30 (or is it a strict 45 min?), then the nap over lunch, leaving two hours in aft free for activities before bath, bottle, bed. Grrrr!!!

HarrietTheSpy · 07/02/2008 00:51

Sorry - it's late and I'm still working - and randomly venting and feeling sorry for myself. Should start another thread about those naps really!

ghosty · 07/02/2008 01:20

If I get an invitation to meet a friend at the weekend without my children I will do anything in my power to get there ... Any time of the week ... (but I check with DH first - out of respect, not to get permission)
If I get an invitation to meet a friend with kids but without DH I do say, "I need to see what DH is doing" out of respect for my DH and his time not because I am joined at the hip or need permission ...
How crap and selfish would it be of me to say on a Saturday morning, "Hey Buddy, the kids and I are off out for the day with Peaches, you're on your own ..." That's just mean. I have to check with him ... he spends all week at work and wants to see his children. He will more often than not be ok with it all (he is happy to veg at home and watch the cricket ) but I won't make plans at the weekend without checking with DH first.
And like Twig, I will check with him first if it is a date involving DHs too - I would rather he didn't come than came under duress and be anti social ...
TBH Peaches although I see your point and it must be hard working full time and trying to arrange to catch up with friends at the weekend, I do think you are being a tad unreasonable ... there is nothing wrong with people feeling they need to check what their DH is doing ... it's the polite thing to do.

ghosty · 07/02/2008 01:23

And I have NO issue with people and their chidlren's nap times. You don't know what everyone needs to do to keep themselves on an even keel and I would rather see someone at a time that suits them around their toddler's sleep than see them when they are having a shit time worrying about the fact that they should be at home sleeping ...

I think people need to step out of their own shoes for a bit and try to see things from other people's perspective.

grrrr

HarrietTheSpy · 07/02/2008 01:27

That's what I would appreciate our friends would do for us sometimes, give some consideration to being a bit more flexible to people's needs and time apart from their own re these naps.

Try going on holiday with people like that and one rental car - scary.

HarrietTheSpy · 07/02/2008 01:43

I can't resist - honestly where's the straight jacket??? - How would you like to be told: "We're all meeting up at 9.30 on Sunday morning (at location which takes 1.5+ hours to get to from our house). Can't get a tube at half seven? Oh sorry but you see we have to be back for the NAP at 11.30." And surprised we cna't make it.

bozza · 07/02/2008 09:07

there is a difference between checking with your DH and outright refusing to meet up. I generally go for Saturday afternoons because this is DH's usual golf slot. If DH wants to move his golf, to Sunday am for instance, I will try to accommodate this and make family plans around this and I would expect him to accommodate my desire to meet up with a friend which I do sometimes.

morningpaper · 07/02/2008 09:13

I LOVE it when DH meets up with friends with kids at the weekend - I get FREE TIME to myself.

And he loves it when I take the kids out too.

It's weird that people just don't really DO IT though

Ineedacleaner · 07/02/2008 09:26

Our family time is more restrictive and more precious than just every weekend because dh works away and is away for a few weeks and home for a week maybe less but there is no way I could contemplate spending that few day with him 24/7 and I know he feels the same.

Even when he worked at home and was here every weekend I have to say although I tried not to make plans every weekend I never didn't ever make plans either.

Yes our family time was precious and few and far between so is time with some of my friends who work through the week.

I wonder if some of these dh's realise this goes on though because I do know a couple of people like this and their partners get such a hard time if they dare plan anything at the weekend cause they have never realised that this is even an issue. I suppose they feel because they are home every day and about MOST weekends that it is ok to do something on their own and they should be able to cause they work all week as well and ok they don't see the kids but they probably don't get much free time either.

blueshoes · 07/02/2008 09:31

I don't really get weekend time equals family time and you brush off all other engagements that don't fall into what you define as family time.

For example, dd might get invited to a party on the weekend, one or both of us might have to be there as she is only 4 - so that splits dh and I - which he is more than happy, whether I take ds along or not. Would people who brush Peaches off also turn down parties to which dcs are invited?

Dd might also have classes, activities over weekend. Again, this might need us to be apart.

Dh might have to do a talk or travel on a weekend for work. I might have an offsite. Do people turn those down too?

The fact is, there is no such thing as 48 hours of love-in for the whole family on weekends, whatever the arrangements are during the week. If someone is prepared to meet up, they will be able to accommodate a Peachy at least occasionally. So not impressed.

morningpaper · 07/02/2008 09:39

I'm surprised that anyone would WANT a 48-hour love-in at the weekend, especially SAHMs who have been with their children all week. Don't you ever want a BREAK? Wouldn't it be NICE for your husband to take the kids off with his mates and their kids and give you a couple of hours to read the paper?

Lazycow · 07/02/2008 09:40

But HarriethteSpy what do you do if you have a child who really suffers (i.e is grumpy & whingy and cries ) if they don't get enough sleep and yet they do anything to resist sleep so rarely fall asleep in the pushchair or car when out, they just cry and cry and cry and cry....

Believe me this is no fun. We spent almost 3 years exactly like this where nothing was really possible because of ds's sleep needs.

HOWEVER, since I knew this was restrictive for some people so I tended to spend my time with the one other mother I knew who had a baby/toddler who was the same so she completely understood.

I wouldn't have dreamed of going on holiday with my friends who had easier babies as I wouldn't have imposed that restriction on them.

I also wouldn't have imposed days out on them with ds when we didn't make sure he got enough sleep as on the odd occassion I tried this with a friend whose dd just slept as and when, she was stunned at the amount of crying he did and how difficult he was.

I am so thankful ds has out grown this now (he is 3.2 years old) and for the first time since he was born I am going away for a few days with friends and their ds (instead of just dh, me and ds ) as I know ds can get through days without naps any more and without being a holy terror because of it.

Wordsmith · 07/02/2008 09:44

Peachy are you sure your friends actually want me meet up? Perhaps you need to make it clear what sort of a meet-up you want - girls night out, daytime trip with the kids, or both families meeting up for a few hours (including DHs).

I tend to find the easiest way to socialise when you work (even though I work p/t I tend to be a bit reclusive with just me and DS2 on the other days) is to get the other family to come round to ours (or vice versa), throw the kids in the garden/other room together and crack open a bottle of wine. Long hours can pass with only the occasional forway between the two rooms - it's great. that does sort of imply that the DHs have to be in on it and the families have to be friends but it works without DHs too.

Don't know what your social circle is like but I would venture to suggest that perhaps your DH should make a bit of an effort to include himself in some of the socialising - it might make it easier. That way both families could enjoy 'family time' together.

Since becoming a parent I've found my friendships tend to separate themselves out into people I socialise with from work, people DH and I socialise with as 'adults' and people we all socialise with as a family. They all involve different sorts of events. Sometimes I have 'adult' nights out with mummy friends, and sometimes my work colleagues become parents and we socialise with the kids, but on the whole there is a divide. Don't know how other people work it.

To answer your OP, everyone needs to make a bit more of an effort to socialise when they have kids, because it is more of an effort. Perhaps your friends are just taking the easy way out? (We all do sometimes.) YANBU.

Wordsmith · 07/02/2008 09:46

Grrr should spellcheck before posting.
Morningpaper - a couple of hours alone with the paper. Now that is my idea of luxury. I would prefer that to a night out sometimes!

blueshoes · 07/02/2008 09:49

lazycow, I know what you are describing. Having 2 non-sleepers buggers up your social life. People with children who sleep can never understand and so think we are being precious. It is for a short time only - by 2.5 to 3 years' old, they drop their daytime naps anyway.

It is a restriction on MY life that I don't enjoy. But I don't want to subject others to my screaming baby, which is why I actively manage their naps. Mine do sleep in the buggy though (whilst being pushed) so we bring our buggy everywhere.

TheFallenMadonna · 07/02/2008 09:51

Well, frankly (and I appreciate that this is not going to show me in a good light) I would be reluctant to take my children to meet up with a friend and her children at the weekend, because the weekend is when I shift the children onto DH .

Meeting up without the children, I'd be off like a shot.

But then of course, when I was working during the week,I wanted to spend time with them at weekends, so I can see why the friend would want to bring them.

For me, the answer would definitely be to bring the whole family. Not so we could have 'family time', but so that I could continue to shift the children onto DH, while still enjoying a natter with an old friend.

So basically I want to have my cake and eat it. OK?