To think I could meet up with friends and their children at weekends?

[PeachesMcLean]

I work full time these days. All my friends with children work part time or at home full time. I'm very envious of this in several respects, this isn't a SAHM v WOHM thread, but why is it so effin hard to arrange to meet up?

I don't have this half term off work, so that's out. Try arranging a get together? Ha! Not a hope. Unless of course I can call round during a week day. I suggest weekends and it's all, "oh I'll have to see what DH is doing"... What? So, every weekend is so amazingly full of lovely family activities you can't possibly drag yourself away to meet up with a friend? No, I suspect not.

Now, my weekend is as precious as the next person's. Yes, it's my only real time with DS and DH but that doesn't mean we need to cling to each other like limpets.

Am I really being unreasonable? Grrrr...

[Lazycow]

I like your thinling Fallenmadonna

[Lazycow]

thinking even !!

[morningpaper]

Oh I was assuming you meant a PLAYDATE?

Is this about PLAYDATES or grown-up socialising?

[Iota]

hmmm focusing on the family at weekends seems to be the norm round here.

I do my socialising in the week - coffee/shopping with SAHMs or part-timers and lunches/evenings out with my working friends.

[Iota]

I will also do lunches or evenings out with SAHMS - if they are available

[allgonebellyup]

i get this thread..

i work practically full time at the moment, and i am a single mum so i get very lonely.

In the weekends i try to meet up with friends, but they always fob me off with "oh its mine and dh's time together", which is fair enough (i remember loving sundays together), but it leaves me in the gutter.

i do have other single mum friends but they always seem so involved with their extended families at weekends and holidays that i dont get to see much of them.

i have a friend who i always arrange to meet up with on a thursday (my one day off) but about 70% of the time she will text to cancel at the last min as her dh has been given the day off.. .. he gets all weekends off too but she is still happy to dump me at the last minute.
i still met up with friends when ex dh used to have a day off!!!!!!!!!

[ecoworrier]

Actually, we do indeed turn down some activities on a weekend. Children's parties - yes, we have and do turn down weekend parties sometimes. Not always - it depends who is doing the inviting, so we would make more effort to let our children go to the party of a 'real' friend then yet another party at the same old 'child-friendly' venue where the whole class has been invited. It would also depend on what the rest of the family were doing - our plans as a family would take precedence over a children's party. We have 3 children and have at times seen them invited to over 10 parties over the course of a month, so something has to give!

Children's classes or activities - we have always deliberately kept away from those. The one time we had no choice (one of our children was moved to a Saturday swimming group), we went to great efforts to move him to a week-day group within a couple of weeks.

Weekends are indeed family time for us. We are all busy during the week and it's the one time we don't have any fixed, regular plans. However, getting back to Peaches' case, I wouldn't say a definite no to a one-off arrangement, and while I would consult my husband and check if we had other plans I wouldn't be asking his permission or saying a weekend meet-up was definitely out.

I think it's reasonable to expect friends might very occasionally be able to meet you at a weekend, but it might be unreasonable to expect several friends all to be able to meet you the same weekend!

Funnily enough, I find some of my friends who work during the week actually find it harder to do things on weekends - they deliberately fill up their weekends with activities e.g. children's sports classes, that they cannot do during the week because they are working!

[Iota]

allgonebellyup - that is sad. my dh works away at weekends sometimes and quite often one of my friends will invite us to join them to do something together ( eg lunch/film/bowling)

[Fennel]

I mentally divide my friends into the ones who like to meet at weekends and the ones who don't. There are lots who like to - especially the single parents, those who work full time, those with all their family in Australia, those whose partners are working weekends. As well as many, like us, who like to mix our friends and family time together (but we like living with other people too, we're not very nuclear-family oriented).

I think as children get a bit older it maybe becomes more normal to meet at weekends, once they're at school they are tired after school anyway (well mine are) so meeting up then isn't much fun.

[GetOrfMoiLand]

I think that having an active social life and kids is hard work. I am kind of in the other camp of thought where I spend the majority of the weekend with dp and dd.

Me and dp work full time - he leaves the house at 6 and gets in around 7, I work from 9 til around 6 ish, but then generally spend the evening doing work stuff as well (I have to generally be on call for the West Coast american working day, so can be emeailing and phone calls til about 10pm.). In between all this have to do the run of the mill household stuff, spend time with dd and dp. We are like ships that pass in the night in the week.

I SO look forwatf to spending time with my family at the weekend - I never work weekends on pain of death, dp occasionally does, but mostly we spend the weekend together. We do socialise, but as a family.

Another thing that makes things awkward is that my friends are either childless or they have babies and toddlers - I have an only child of 12. So, with the childless friends it is a weeknight drink (never see them at weekends because they are out clubbing it and then recovering all day) and friends with young kids I see at the weekend, generally with dp and dd in tow. I wish that I had friends with kids my dd's age, as sometimes I miss out on meeting up with my friends who have kids, as I think it is not the most fun in the world for dd to spend time playing with babies (she loves young kids and always plays with them, but soemtimes think it must be knackering for her!).

And then also at some point I have to fit in some me and dd mother and daughter time, and also somehow some time alone with dp.

And in addition to that sometimes I really cannot be arsed to go out at all after a busy week - want to bolt the front door and hole up with my family. But them perhaps I am an anitsocial old cow!

[HarrietTheSpy]

I do understand lazycow, I think if I felt that on the odd occasion they would alter their times for us - not all the time - I'd feel better about it. For example, with the day trip out, it was fine for our dc to get up at 6 am - which is what it woudl have required to meet up. Would they get their kids up at such an hour ever, for us? Haven't to date.

We also had to be quiet too on the holiday so their kids could get their sleep (and the mum a lie in!!!). I was sitting there shushing my baby (who was only 7 mo old at the time) for what felt like hours and days.

[HarrietTheSpy]

wow the thread has moved ahead of me!

[Dropdeadfred]

Peaches...does your dh not want to spend the weekend with you and the dcs doing family stuff? or does he work weekends?

Personally although he would never stop me DP would be devastated if i suggested that I took his dd out without him and even if I went alone he would be sad that this meantno family trip out...he does love his weekends!!

[madamez]

I suppose there's always the problem of having several-families-togehter meet ups is that the various DPs won't get on with each other. Though if you have a group of parents (rather than just two couples) the DPs might find it less hassle.

[blueshoes]

GetOutMoiLand, I work pt (everyday) and Dh fulltime and I have the same happy-to-stay in mentality on WEs. Guess I don't go out of my way to arrange activities on a WE, but then if invitations come knocking, I would not make it a point to turn them down either.

Allbelly, sorry about your experience. I would go out of my way to make a WE appointment with a single parent friend because I know they can feel isolated. Your friend is selfish and inconsiderate.

[Lazycow]

Ha Ha Harriet - Getting ds up early would NOT have been a problem. 5.00/5.30am wake-ups were the were the norm for us until very recently. We more often had the probelm that our trips tended to start early and finish early, wheras by the time a lot of my friends would be ready to set off, ds would be exhausted again, having been up 6-7 hours already by then.

I think I did try and accomodate some of my friends sometimes and I really wouldn't have expected people to be very quiet all the time when ds was asleep. He slept surprisingly well at nap time as long as he was in bed

I think this is probably a bit off thread but I think many friendships can break up over parenting practices particularly if they are subject to the strain of being on holiday together.

[morningpaper]

I meet up with one or two of my friends most Sunday afternoons - the children play together while we read the weekend papers. Is most civilised. Our DP's then get a chance to do their own thing - football/gym etc.

Likewise my DP takes the children away - either swimming or to meet up with another dad and children.

I LOVE having time to myself at weekends. I would find it VERY STRESSFUL to have 48 hours with nothing but DP and children and no breaks.

[Lazycow]

Fennel - I think that may be it. Those of us who see 'family' as the nuclear one only and those who like to mix family and friends and who like to have a lot of people around.

Dh is definitely not one of those but I am - luckily dh likes to keep me happy so often goes along for the ride.

On the other hand he gets lots of alone time as he works from home a lot and generally has one weekend every 4-5 weeks where he just goes of with his gaming friends for hours at a time.

[sparklesandwine]

Only read OP but your certainly not BU!

I'm a sahm but many of my friends work so the weekend is really the only time we can meet up, as you say

I either take my DC to friends houses to play or we meet in evenings - now its not very regular i must admit as there are obviously things we as a family do at the weekend but surely its not too much to ask your friends to give up a few weekends!!

The summer is perfect for it too BBQ's round each other houses and all that

What about meeting friends in your lunch hour? Or getting together on a friday night when you finish work with/without kids?

[mammyofET]

In response to the OP - YANBU - families are important but so are friends. You are right to be annoyed about it. Being made to feel as though you are 'fitted in when convenient' is just rubbish and makes it feel like a chore rather than a pleasure.

In response to the other posts I just don't get all the 'rules'. I take a very general approach - if I feel like meeting up with a friend on a Saturday (with or without DH or DS), I do it, but I will tell DH of my plans. If I feel like DH, DS and I haven't spent enough time together then we will make sure that we do something. I really don't get the 'family time at weekends only rule', especially if you've got good friends. What is wrong with friends and family time every now and then.

[CaptainCod]

i agrree folk are so namby pamby about weekeneds

[Acinonyx]

We like to see people at the weekends - with dh and dd. Since dd is an only child it's nice for her to see other children at the weekend too. I wouldn't take her without dh though - but I heartily encourage him to go out with dd and leave me at home. Ah - to be at home - ALONE!

It is a strange new social set-up, this post-chidlren malarky. Now that my mom & baby friends have second babies many of them are back at home all week whereas I am only at home 2 days and will probably go FT at some point. I am finding it hard to keep up with the todders during the week but as you say Peaches, for most people the weekend is off-limits and it doesn't help that we have mainly socialised without the dh's so they hardly no each other. I really wonder how many I would ever see again if I were FT - which is rather sad. It's actually quite hard to know if your friend is really your friend or just the mom of your child's playmate (and vice versa I suppose).

[mrsruffallo]

I would say 80% of the time just your dc's playmate's mum. But that'a fine isn't it? How many people are you going to meet in life that you really click with?

[sparklesandwine]

yes maybe, but someone you seem to get on with very well then turning around and saying your basically only a 'monday to friday' friend is a bit shit!

those who are your friends should be 100% not just when they feel like it - no its not convenient every weekend but bloody hell its nice spending time with other people at weekends too not your your own family, isn't it?

[belcantavinissima]

i always get this too peaches. it drives me completely potty and always makes me wonder how much they value me as a friend when i only have to fit in when they have nothing else to do. so obviously i think yanbu! (and neither am i!)