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AIBU?

To think I could meet up with friends and their children at weekends?

140 replies

PeachesMcLean · 06/02/2008 21:15

I work full time these days. All my friends with children work part time or at home full time. I'm very envious of this in several respects, this isn't a SAHM v WOHM thread, but why is it so effin hard to arrange to meet up?

I don't have this half term off work, so that's out. Try arranging a get together? Ha! Not a hope. Unless of course I can call round during a week day. I suggest weekends and it's all, "oh I'll have to see what DH is doing"... What? So, every weekend is so amazingly full of lovely family activities you can't possibly drag yourself away to meet up with a friend? No, I suspect not.

Now, my weekend is as precious as the next person's. Yes, it's my only real time with DS and DH but that doesn't mean we need to cling to each other like limpets.

Am I really being unreasonable? Grrrr...

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Kewcumber · 07/02/2008 13:41

I get the classic "oh my husand is busy this weekend so do you want to meet up" gee thanks

Oh yes I get that too you'd think we'd be more grateful wouldn't you!

HuwEdwards · 07/02/2008 13:42

You see I have the opposite problem - My DP and I work long hours through the week, often 1 of us is away for a couple of nights. Kids are at afterschool club through the week.

We get to the weekend and just want to slob out with the kids. I have lots of friends with DCs whose other halves play golf, go to the football etc. and they want to meet up for 3 or 4 hours.

I just don't have the time or inclination for this. Am happy for a night out with other adults, I love to get together with my siblings and their kids, but generally I just want to be with my family.

I keep in touch, I go out of my way to see them as frinds in the evening. but at the end of the day, my family and what I want to do is top priority,

Kewcumber · 07/02/2008 13:54

HuwEdwards - I think your point is reasonable and I'm sure everyones family is their first priority. The net result is that you just couldn't be friends with someone in my position. It just isn't possible. I can't afford regular babysitting on week nights and therefore have to catch uop with friends and family during the day at weekends. I have had to lose (in practice though no big falling out) one friend who just couldn't prioritse me enough to ever see me. Sometimes thats just the way it works. I think my ego would also suffer from having friends who didn't think highly enough of me to include me at least occasionally in their inner circle - so perhaps the passing of that friendship is for the best.

alicet · 07/02/2008 13:58

To be honest I think while I would make an occasional exception for a good friend unless it was a friend my dh got on with I would rather keep weekends as family time. Its not because I am under the thumb or borning but dh is my best friend and I want to spend quality time with him then as I can't during the week.

I think if they won't make an exception for you they are probably telling you (although probably not deliberately) that you are not a good enough friend for them to want to do this. Sorry if this sounds harsh and I might be wrong but.... There are some people who are very close friends at certain times in your lives and then for one reason or another your lives take different turns and you grow apart. Upsetting when it happens (I'm there at the mo for another reason) but the best thing to do is to move on and make other friends I think. Maybe in the future things will change again and you wil grow closer again but I tend to think if it's that much hard work and you're getting upset about it better to move on yourself before you become really p*ssed off and burn your bridges

UnquietDad · 07/02/2008 14:00

I don't get this at all.

Sometimes DW goes out during the week, sometimes at weekends. Sometimes I go out during the week, sometimes at weekends. Occasionally we go out together. We both work. We have some friends who do and some who don't. It seems to work!

Also, many of our best friends are in other parts of the country so we can only see them if we go and stay with them for a weekend as a family. My mother disapproves of this.

rookiemater · 07/02/2008 14:05

Peaches I think it depends how often you want to meet up.

I work 4 days and find it a tad frustrating that my baby group still meets up on a Thursday or Friday afternoon when I am off on a Monday. But I have to accept that that is life and those days suit the others better, but very occastionally we will have it on a Monday for my benefit.

At the weekend I do like to meet other people, but certainly not every weekend. DS doesn't see much of DS during the week so he likes to spend quite a lot of time with him, plus I think its nice for us to be a family together. As I do the majority of pick ups and so forth during the week, I'm not wildly keen to drag DS off on playdates at the weekend when DH is there. Although I'm generally up for girly nights out, but don't get invited that often.

I think you are being a tad unreasonable, cancelling is rude if its not for a good reason, but taking your family into account when arranging your social life is only to be expected.

mrsshackleton · 07/02/2008 15:40

I sympathise peaches, a friend of mine was in this predicament recently her dp always away with work, she found plenty to do in the week (she's on mat leave) but no one wanted to see her at weekends.
She explained this to me and we went over to her house that Saturday
Have you explained to your friends how you feel? As soon as my friend laid it out to me I totally saw her point - it wasn't a case for me that weekends are uber-precious family time, she was just someone I usually saw on my one day off (I work four days) and it hadn't occurred to me she'd prefer another arrangement
But the way we compartmentalise these things is odd - we virtually all phone each other in the day, there seems to be an unspoken thing not to intrude into each other's evenings. Actually it's much easier to chat in the evening when dcs are in bed. And a very close friend pre babies who now has kids the same age as mine and lives a 15-min walk away is NEVER around at weekends, I wouldn't dream of asking her ... they seem to be totally reserved for her dh and family pursuits and since my dh and her dh are not bosom buddies, just indifferent to each other, it would never happen, which does occasionally seem daft. A bit more flexibility everyone!

myermay · 07/02/2008 15:46

Message withdrawn

blueshoes · 07/02/2008 16:20

Everyone view weekends differently, but everyone can also make exceptions. I would therefore agree with Alicet and Kewcumber that friends who are not prepared to make ANY exceptions on WEs are well, not friends.

My situation is similar to UnquietDad's. Weekday and weekend arrangements of fluid and sometimes, we spend a lot of time together as a family (that's nice in limited doses, 24-hour love-ins don't do it for me either) and sometimes we split up into different activities or give each other sheltered breaks (also nice).

If dh has had a long work week, I couldn't think of anything he would like more than an few hours solely to himself on WEs, though he would be shy to ask for it because he knows I want a break too. I wonder whether a lot of this family priority and togetherness is something we project onto our partners, rather than asking them what they would really like.

rookiemater · 07/02/2008 16:35

Well TBH I know that DH isn't gutted if I whisk DS away for a few hours at the weekend, but heck I do the majority of childcare during the week so if anyone deserves time away from the DS then its me first !

Mungarra · 07/02/2008 16:41

I'm a SAHM and I don't organise things with my and my kids' friends for the weekend either. Around here, lots of kids only see their fathers on the weekends (City jobs with long hours) and I wouldn't want to interfere with their time with their fathers.

I guess that makes it difficult if you're working during the week, but I can understand the need for family time on the weekend too.

motherinferior · 07/02/2008 17:28

Er, doesn't that make an ideal reason to leave the children bonding with their fathers, who've missed out on all that important childcare stuff?

Kitti · 07/02/2008 17:41

Try getting friends out in the evening - just as impossible!!!! I am desperate for some time out as an adult where I haven't got one of my kids clinging to me or my friend's kids clinging to them butting in on the conversation or a hubby there - no-one else seems interested though even though their hubby's often go out alone some evenings!!

sparklesandwine · 07/02/2008 18:08

oh dear kitti thats such a shame

could you not do a course or something if your after a bit of time out meet other people?

PeachesMcLean · 07/02/2008 18:18

Flipin eck you lot have been busy!

Haven't read all your posts - will do later - but just wanted to get on here quickly and retract all my comments about being too ambitious. I woke up this morning thinking what absolute bollocks that is. I can't believe I started to think it. Anyone would think I worked all hours and had scacrificed huge amounts, getting home at 10 at night, never seeing DS. This is drivel, I just have a normal full time job, with no need to apologise and am clearly very harsh on myself. I worked part time till DS was in Year 1. MUST learn not to be so hard on myself, and to not talk such bolleaux.

Ooh, that feels better. Right, off to read this merry lot below!

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