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AIBU?

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Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
54isanopendoor · 30/01/2023 12:22

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/01/2023 07:05

It’s not you, it’s him.

Tell him he will end up using 100% of his leave looking after DD when you divorce and split custody 50/50.

Then give DD to him, get some sleep, wake up and look fir a solicitor.

This.
It doesnt get any better, it gets worse.
And your kids grow up & think it's normal.

Joint child. Joint responsibility. 50:50. If he cant' be bothered to do his bit then he's not much of a partner OR a parent. Does he add more than he takes. lf not LTB (although he might still not bother with his kids like my exH but at least you don't have to listen to self pity 'its not my fault / its not my responsibility' shite.

GorgonzolaSouffle · 30/01/2023 12:40

I would plan a day out for myself one day this week. Pack a bag and turn off your phone and let him have a lovely day with DD……

ThreeLittleDots · 30/01/2023 12:42

You only get one life.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/01/2023 13:06

He is what I consider a proper C**t make a plan to leave and start being more selfish, learn to block out his moaning and carry on.

Dibbydoos · 30/01/2023 13:18

Toxic relationship with no respect. What am AH thing to do. I would go back to bed with DD. Snuggle up she will fall asleep again.

dreamingbohemian · 30/01/2023 13:27

OP I know you're scared but you CAN leave

If it's just you and young DD you don't need a 2bed, lots of single mums in 1beds (give the child the bedroom and get a decent sofa bed). By the time you really need a 2bed you will have fewer childcare costs etc.

He will have to pay maintenance. If the only benefit to him is financial, he will still have to do that.

You might have to get creative w/r/t childcare, find a student who can do pickups and babysit a bit, or change your work hours if you can. Perhaps partner can still do at least one pickup a week and keep her overnight, you could bargain for that.

You might not have a lot of support now but over time you can build that. Must be other single mums in your area? Doing favours for each other? You will find a way.

EdithBond · 30/01/2023 13:42

You’re absolutely not being unreasonable. Looking after his own sick child is not “helping you out”. It’s his joint responsibility as a parent. His responsibility as a loving partner is to take care of you when you’re exhausted. He should be doing both.

strawberry2017 · 30/01/2023 14:03

Husband and I both use our leave to cover the kids. Only time we use it for "ourselves" is if it's to do a specific task.
E.g - last year I took a couple of days off to clear out the garage.

He's a selfish arsehole

SillySausage81 · 30/01/2023 14:06

So in his selfish prick world, he gets ONE WHOLE WEEK of pure kid-free relaxation and you get NONE, EVER, and that's perfectly fair??

What is the purpose of this man?? Please ask him.

Tell him, if he wants a whole week kid-free and work-free then YOU are DEMANDING the same. Book your leave and fuck off and leave the selfish twat on his own with the kids. He can pay for a childminder if he needs to.

I just can't believe the audacity of some men.

EdithBond · 30/01/2023 14:12

If you know he’s not right for you but the financial/housing situation is the main barrier, it may help to start moving towards overcoming it. Put your name down for social housing (it might seem a long wait but no harm), think about when childcare will be a little easier and work towards leaving then, look for more flexible jobs. Taking steps in the right direction helps overcome the desperation. In the meantime, enjoy the upsides of being a ‘lone parent’: don’t do ANY chores for him and carve out weekly time for yourself, when he looks after your child.

HelloBunny · 30/01/2023 14:12

Looking after your sick child is very hard work. But seeing them getting better because of your love & care is so rewarding (and knackering). The guy is missing the whole point of parenting...

LotteLomax · 30/01/2023 14:15

This is abnormal behaviour. Anyone would of course help out, especially a father and husband.

I’d be questioning this marriage.

MummyJ36 · 30/01/2023 14:17

Dude…this cannot be real. Leave this absolute joke of a man.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 14:18

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 08:36

Oh don't worry, there 100% won't me any more children

Have you looked into any benefits you might be entitled to if you split?
Plus CB plus CMS (if he isn't self-employed)

catandcoffee · 30/01/2023 14:20

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 08:36

Oh don't worry, there 100% won't me any more children

Very glad to read this. Hopefully you'll be able to leave him at some point.

Gemma987 · 30/01/2023 14:26

🤮 He sounds vile

smokeandfire · 30/01/2023 14:30

Any partnership, marriage , whatever - where you don't share your holiday time is a fucked up , dead relationship. Add in kids, and its abusive.

Not sure if there's a marriage worth saving here...Unless he does a 360 change in attitude.

Zombiemama84 · 30/01/2023 14:30

MistyFrequencies · 30/01/2023 07:35

Hes a cunt. You need to leave him. Or your daughter will think this is a normal relationship and also end up with a cunt.

This!! If you can’t leave for yourself think about what your daughter is seeing and likely to accept in the future

rainbowstardrops · 30/01/2023 14:30

What a prick!!!
I'd be handing over the child and heading straight back to bed!
You don't get leave from looking after your child. Tell him that!

aloris · 30/01/2023 14:36

If you have your DD on Mon and Wed then I assume she is not yet reception age. When she is at home with you, then either this is "work", or it is "not work". If it is "work", then you are working on Mon and Wed and that should not be used "against' you when you negotiate free time vs your husband. If it is "not work" when you do it on Mon and Wed, then it is ALSO "not work" when your husband is asked to do it during his annual leave. He is classing it as work when he does it, and not work when you do it. That is not ok. Class it as work, since that is how he classes it when he does it, and then make a table of the amount of "time off" for each of you. This will show that he gets far more time off than do you and that this should be rebalanced so that you, too, get some annual leave.

beAsensible1 · 30/01/2023 14:49

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:23

It's a normal occurrence so it's just normal to me now. If the same thing happens on a weekend he will let me go back to bed, but I won't here the end of it for the rest of the day, I don't hear the end of it if I ask him to watch her while I have a bath. If I moan that he gets loads of time to himself and I get none, I get the usual comment of 'it's not a competition'

You should be using this right back. ignore the moaning and put in the imaginary ear plugs.

You have to change your own behaviour, stop letting him treat you like a doormat.

GatoradeMeBitch · 30/01/2023 14:50

I wasn't aware you could get leave from being a parent. If things have changed over the last three years, do you think this is possibly a situation where you allowed him to get away with more and more gradually, until one day you realized you're doing everything alone?

If you're not able to leave in the short term, keep it in mind that one day you will leave. Squirrel away as much money as you can, build friendships at work, etc because they will probably come in handy later, and as much as you can get away with don't ask him for anything, and don't do anything for him. As you say - single parent. Don't invite him places, don't go to any effort on his behalf. From personal experience eventually he may realize how much you are detaching, panic, and start trying. But you should still plan to leave.

femfemlicious · 30/01/2023 14:52

@EveryDayIsA you have to wait until your dc starts 30hrs or school then leave this absolute asshole. You can do this. Women go through a lot😪

Waterfallgirl · 30/01/2023 14:56

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:20

I have, it's the cosy of living increase that scares me and doing it all alone. I have a good job and savings but that's not going to last long, rent on a 2 bed flat is over £800, I have no support so would have to do all the moving by myself, whilst looking after DD at the same time, plus ATM H picks DD up from childcare three days a week and has her for half an hour while I finish work, sometimes more when I'm in the office, if he isn't there for that I would have to quit my job as the days I am in office, childcare closes before I'm home.

Show quote history

No - he still picks her up as now- you just don’t live in the same house.

Happyher · 30/01/2023 15:00

You should have just gone to bed. He’s a parent so he has to parent his child. Why do men always think they’re babysitting when they are actually just being a parent