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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

So angry with H annual leave

411 replies

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

OP posts:
Emmamoo89 · 30/01/2023 15:01

Yadnbu. What an arsehole

Leela100 · 30/01/2023 15:01

Wow he sounds like a delight, what a twat

BabyTa · 30/01/2023 15:11

Just go to bed & nap. Leave him with his DD and shut the door. He is being a selfish prick, and btw, you would get help with a flat if you did choose to leave including child support from him.

NeedAHoliday2021 · 30/01/2023 15:12

He’s booked annual leave from being a parent? How does that work? Madness!

Baggyjumper · 30/01/2023 15:17

Blimey you are definitely not unreasonable. I say "behave like I'm not here" when I am WFH, which is fine because I am being paid to do my job. But when you're on leave you're OFF work, so you are a full time family member and can deal with whatever needs dealing with. You can't take leave from being a parent (though sometimes it might be nice). A decent man would just see his child is sick and his partner is exhausted and just do what's needed. Who thinks it's okay to opt out of empathy and kindness?

Winterday1991 · 30/01/2023 15:23

I'm seriously fed up with reading threads like this. How can so many men be so selfish?

xogossipgirlxo · 30/01/2023 15:25

Wow, this is so fucking sad to read. Doesn't he love his own child? Was he going to ignore his daughter, because "he's on leave"? He's a shitty father, isn't he. Why wouldn't he want to spend time with his daughter bonding while he's on leave? What a selfish prick. Ugh. This made me so angry. Condolences to you OP.

keeponandonandon · 30/01/2023 15:25

This is so sad to read, but you need to think about what message this is giving your daughter, firstly her father couldn't give a shit about her or her mother and secondly it's okay for men to treat women this way.

You mentioned you think of leaving but never will, you have no support or childcare options. It's sounds to me that you have no child care options now, you will probably have more if you split as he will hopefully all of a sudden want to spend time with his child.

Being a single parent can be daunting but your child is not a baby and is far easier now, plus there are a lot of childcare options available and support. Ask at your child's school, a lot of authorities have been putting on clubs etc. during the school holidays.

Good luck, you and your daughter deserve better!

Mamabear48 · 30/01/2023 15:31

What a selfish person I would seriously reconsider my relationship if that’s how my partner treated me!

mezlou84 · 30/01/2023 15:48

Wtf. You can't stop being a parent because you're on holiday from work. I would be taking a long hard look at how he is with everything as its a serious red flag. It sounds like he's wanting his cake and eating it whole, making you feel like the bad one for even asking. Ask yourself if he always tries to bring it round to being your fault because it can be one of the most harmful forms of manipulation by making you doubt everything you do and say, turning you into a shadow of yourself. If you're acting like a single parent you might as well be one if it harms your mental health. If it's just starting nip it in the bud and tell him ypu aren't a parent odd days it's every day and you expect him to help and change his me me me attitude x

meegsmalone · 30/01/2023 15:52

Wow OP…….your husband is an absolute dickhead

ThePreacherLikesTheCold · 30/01/2023 15:58

Could you talk to your employer about having a little more flexibility with work? Explain to them what's going on, that you're going to be a single parent and without any support. If you're not asking too much then you might be surprised. Quite often employers can offer flexibility but just don't think to offer it unless specifically asked. This is the case for me but I do understand it's not like that in every company/role. Worth a shot though. It might be what you need to know you can go it alone OP. I really hope you find a way to get out of this. A single more frugal life is better than living with a selfish pathetic excuse of a DH/father.

CasperGutman · 30/01/2023 16:01

What an arsehole. His attitude makes no sense whatsoever. How the hell would a family holiday work when both parent were on annual leave but would normally be at work? The children just fend for themselves? I can't believe he doesn't understand on some level that this is just plain silly.

Mellymoon · 30/01/2023 16:05

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:12

Honestly, fear. Fear of no support, I have little family and no childcare options apart from paid, no friends close by a d also financially, with the cost of rent now I couldn't afford to be a single parent. I suppose I see ot now as I'm like a single parent but with financial help with the bills.

Show quote history

OP there’s different types of struggling- 1. The practical day to day financial struggle of being a single parent which is hard but then there’s the 2. Struggle of being in a horrible relationship where you get no real support anyway and you have to deal with kind of crap.

i can tell you the first one has many many benefits that imo balance
the problems. You have a lighter spirit. Pride in yourself and what you build on your own terms. The option of meeting someone who loves and respects you. Realise a strength you didn’t know you had ..

you should really think about this. X

Appleass · 30/01/2023 16:08

Wow, another arsehole of a man who thinks he's that much more important than his partner! Kick him into touch, hes clearly a self centred prick!

Floralnomad · 30/01/2023 16:19

YANBU , I would look to the future and start planning your exit so saving money and maybe increasing your hours when possible . What type of childcare do you use - would another type be better for late pick ups etc .

Addicted2Sugar · 30/01/2023 16:20

So what was he intending to do on his day off?
What happened, did he do that or did he help you?

Emotionalsupportviper · 30/01/2023 16:23

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 06:58

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

If he isn't here, don't feed him, or let him watch his stuff on the telly. Just switch it over.

In fact - give him a week off and do nothing for him because he isn't here.

What a selfish bugger!

Twiglets1 · 30/01/2023 16:25

What did I just read? The man is a grade 1 arsehole

boxingdayisbest · 30/01/2023 16:28

If this happened in our house, we'd see it as great timing as the one that had been up all night could go back to bed because the other one is on annual leave.

This is NOT normal behaviour.

Shortfatandangry · 30/01/2023 16:33

WTAF....
Yadnta
What a prick, tell him he can spend his leave packing.

Cakeandcardio · 30/01/2023 16:34

EveryDayIsA · 30/01/2023 07:12

Honestly, fear. Fear of no support, I have little family and no childcare options apart from paid, no friends close by a d also financially, with the cost of rent now I couldn't afford to be a single parent. I suppose I see ot now as I'm like a single parent but with financial help with the bills.

Show quote history

If you truly are going to stay then at least make sure you treat him like he isn't there today! And the rest of his 'leave'. Do not bother with him, meals for just you and dd etc. He's awful

OneMorePlant · 30/01/2023 16:39

Just a reminder to all women here, that some studies showed that women in general live longer, happier and healthier without a husband, even if they are single moms.

A husband is supposed to be your partner in crime, not another child with awful manners, pettyness and mantrums.

Your life will be easier and more fun on your own.

Psychonabike · 30/01/2023 16:39

What a dick.

Reminds me of one of my husband's colleagues.

In a discussion about AL the colleague was complaining about having to use annual leave when the children were on school holidays. Declaring that it was outrageous that he and his wife (similar job) were using all their leave to look after their children rather than go on holiday on their own. In term time.

He really had no idea he was saying this to a room full of people who'd been doing exactly that for YEARS. No idea what solutions he thought people had for this.

I mean it's one thing to agree with your partner that you need a day off everything now and again, but just announcing this expectation takes a special kind of arsehole.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/01/2023 16:40

Sorry op, but if you are not going to leave then presumably you are going to put up with it as he’s not going to change. Are you really going to put up with this? For ever?