So angry with H annual leave

[EveryDayIsA]

DD isn't very well, was up most of the night last night, we finally settled down at 4.30, she's just awaken. Whilst I was up with her H was happily snoring away on the sofa. This morning I've just asked him if he can have her a couple of hours so I can go back to sleep. He said no as he is on leave this week so I need to treat it like he isn't here as im normally on my own mondays. Now I already get resentful over H's leave as all my leave is taken up for DDs hols, but he said that's fine as I don't work Mon and Wednesdays (albeit still have DD on these days)

Your being unreasonable - he is on leave and this time is his, he wouldn't normally be here anyway

Your not being unreasonable - he's not at work so should help you out

Please don't make excuses for his vile behaviour. If he upped and left, you would have no choice but to be a single parent.

I don't understand how you can tolerate being treated this way. It's baffling.

Talk to him about it; tell him how he makes you feel.

He does it because he can. Have some backbone.

If things carry on how they are and you decide not to leave and put up with it, then accept that this is your life and quietly get on with it.

Don’t leave for you, leave to show your daughter that you don’t have to settle for unhealthy relationships and that she deserves to be loved and treated like she matters. Watching you take this treatment will set her up for unhealthy boundaries in her future. It is hard when you don’t have family close by but I bet you that’s what he counting on.

Reminds me of my husband who I am hoping to divorce! As said above he is on leave from work not parenting!!

DH would never take leave off on his own , we are off as a family or we split the leave for child care purposes. He is a parent not a lodger tell him to pull his finger out

Don't leave throw the useless bastard out and divorce for domestic abuse His behaviour is just that abuse !

Wow this is the most selfish, dickish behaviour I’ve heard in a long time.

Most partners would have woken up and automatically told you to go back to bed - you shouldn’t have even needed to ask him.

What an absolute arse!

Tell him he will end up using 100% of his leave looking after DD when you divorce and split custody 50/50

Why do people on here persist in making this stupid comment? Why would you want to hand your child over to a useless parent even for a minute, never mind half of the time? Talk about punishing yourself and your child to prove a point.

OP, he is being completely unreasonable, and if I were you, I would go to see a solicitor to find out what your position actually is, in the event of a divorce.

Why would you want to hand your child over to a useless parent

And even if you wanted to, what are the chances that a parent like that would take the kids 50% of the time? Annual trip to McDonalds is more likely.

It would never be 50:50, more like one night every other week, and even then he would take her to nans. We don't own anything that would need to be split. We rent out home, and I have savings whilst he has debt

This >> "Why would you want to hand your child over to a useless parent

And even if you wanted to, what are the chances that a parent like that would take the kids 50% of the time? Annual trip to McDonalds is more likely."

That type of parent doesn't change after splitting up. Mine hasn't seen the dcs in 13yrs.

How old is your child? Would an Au Pair (or shared au pair) be an option? As someone else said, is it possible to do an extra day and shorter hours? Do you have a local parenting group? Maybe see if anyone else works part time and could do some kind of childcare share?
Seriously, this man is taking the piss and he know it. He obviously thinks you’ll never leave so he’s abusing his position. Start building your exit plan.

Completely absurd. As someone else said, you're never on leave from your job as a parent!

You’re like the main character in Motherland whose husband is absolutely useless! I feel for you. It’s hard to leave but take it from me - it’s a lot easier without the extra manchild to look after!

YANBU. What sort of parent treats looking after their own child as something that they shouldn't need to do when on leave?

Work out child maintenance here:
www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

And benefits here:
www.entitledto.co.uk/?utm_source=BAdviser&utm_medium=referral&utm_campaign=GovUK

Speak to your work - could they be more flexible on your office days?
Or could you find a nursery near the office?
Or a childminder near Dd's future primary school? (Either for nursery pick ups or full days). Or a babysitter for nursery pick up.

You might be surprised once you've worked through the logistics.

I could go full time at work easily and do some early finishes, however DD is just so young. I don't plan on having any more children so really want to spend as much time with her as I can before she starts school next year, I'm going up to full time next September and the CM she is already with does wrap around for the school she is going to attend.

Great, so you've got school care sorted.
Could you have a confidential chat with CM and explain the short term problem until school starts / your hours change? They might be able to help - it's not every day of the week.

I agree with pp, he is on leave from work not parenting. Did he pick up responsibilities at 5pm? How dare he excuse himself and dump this on you.

This weekend give yourself a break. Go see some friends or family without your child and sleep the weekend away.

not sure how long his leave is but saw you don’t work Wednesdays so make a plan for you on this day. Go to cinema and enjoy a movie. Just something for yourself.

go for a swim or sit in library and devour a good book.

you don’t get annual leave from your child.

So if you can’t afford to leave right now then why not make a plan. Upskill yourself so you can command a higher income. Look at what higher paid roles there might be as a career progression. The key is to become indejebdebt financially. So save all you can in a separate high interest ISA account. Give yourself say a year to look around at rental options and how to make it work. Just because it seems impossible now doesn’t mean it always will be. He is appalling and not someone you want in your life. By taking the chance to be free if this you role model to your daughter. I know it’s tough now but one day it won’t be. You will look back on this one day and be glad you found the courage to walk away. I hope you do. You have my best wishes. You deserve so much more.

• independent- not that gobbledygook word !

With all due respect, unless you have lived through abuse, you haven't got a bloody clue how damned hard it is to leave! It's not "making excuses", it is being the victim of abuse! Which is what this poor woman is experiencing. Please go and educate yourself about what the barriers are for women to leave relationships like this, and instead of issuing judgement, actually help to break down those barriers!

I have been where you are, with a useless manchild who believed he was babysitting for me rather than parenting his own child. He earned a good wage, yet ensured he frittered it all away on crap rather than save or invest in assets, so he kept us living in a squalid rental instead of ever looking to buy. He never saw our family as a long term commitment and made damned sure I would never be able to take anything of "his" once the relationship ended. I went into the relationship with savings and a good credit rating (both of which he took from me by "borrowing" from me and getting me to take out credit agreements for him). I came out with nothing but debt. He sabotaged my attempts to work and increase my hours by being an unreliable parent, and, like you, any illnesses or school holidays were mine alone to deal with. I was a single parent but with him as extra baggage. And making extra demands on me. I was his wife when he wanted the perks (even when I didn't, saying "no" wasn't an option), but merely the rent free scrounger living in "his" house when it came to anything else. I put up with that for almost 10 years before I had the courage to leave. I had gone into the relationship as a confident, independent woman and I came out a complete mess. I was exhausted and he had convinced me I was completely incapable of anything, that it was only by his good grace and charity that I was surviving. The first thing I did upon leaving was called Women's Aid, who were a fantastic support. I am now five years free (as of tomorrow, actually!), and he gave up the charade of being a father within about 3 months of leaving. He still likes to make up fairytales about being the poor, hard done by doting dad who has been prevented from seeing his beloved child by his evil ex, but the truth is that he was always a useless, non-existent father, even when he was physically present. Life as an actual single parent IS tough, I won't lie, but it's nowhere near as tough as being a single parent with the other parent being a dead weight. Financially, I struggle, but I don't struggle as much as I did when I was with him.
Look up Living With The Dominator. I suspect you will recognise more personality traits of an abuser in your non-partner x Tread carefully, though. These types of men don't always react well when they lose their control of the situation xx

You're allowed to be happy?! Life is more than putting up with that bullshit. I'm appalled. You are still a human being who deserves love, laughter, and support. You can do it. Can you move away to somewhere cheaper or eith family close by? Omg you have a long life, live it. And fyi there are decent men out there, he is not one if them. You deserve better so get your big girl panties on x

“H picks DD up from childcare three days a week and has her for half an hour while I finish work” what does he do after this half hour? I’m not holding my breath that it’s making the dinner, at the very least.