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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:

Moidershewrote · 31/01/2023 19:01

You're very well rid of this circus of enmeshed nutjobs.

Newestname002 · 31/01/2023 20:29

Very well done for being so strong, @wheresthewine36. I'm sure you are devastated by how this has developed but you really are doing the right thing for you and your children.

Don't forget to change your locks, even if he gives/sends the existing ones back. He's not someone you can trust not to make copies and let himself back into your home in order to "persuade" you he can and will change for the better.

I also agree with the poster who said to take his bags to his mother's (if you have a car) so you don't have to deal with him at all.

Sending strength and best wishes
for a better future. 🌹

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 31/01/2023 21:08

Hopefully this will be my last update. I went to the shop before the school run, he was in the queue ahead of me, with his cousin, laughing amd joking. He turned around and saw me and I said "Not feeling suicidal anymore?" He didn't say a word, just went white and walked out. I called his mother when I came out and told her he has 24 hours to arrange for someone other than him to pick his belongings up and to drop off the phone he uses which is contracted in my name (I know, I have been a doormat. However, something seismic has shifted inside me and I am finally seeing him amd his family for what they are.) She told me it is very cruel of me to take the phone away from him. I told her it is very cruel of him to imply he is suicidal in order to manipulate me 3 weeks after my cousin very nearly succeeded in taking his own life and that he can either get the phone back to me or I will report it stolen and have it blocked.
I am completely done with their toxic shit and once his shit is out of my house, his mother can be added to my block list, too. I have a locksmith coming tomorrow to change everything.
Thank you for reading and thank you for all your feedback, ladies. You have been invaluable. I'm off for a cry and a bath.x

OP posts:

Bonheurdupasse · 31/01/2023 21:10

Well done OP! And keep staying strong - you are admirable.
And what a shitbag he is.

Partyatno10 · 31/01/2023 21:14

I would block the phone asap. What's stopping him running up a huge bill now. Good luck op

Turkeyneck101 · 31/01/2023 21:21

He is no loss. You did amazing, and absolutely the right thing.

Topi226 · 31/01/2023 21:56

Wow this escalated quickly. I mean well done you, definitely the right decision on your part. What a strange family dynamic. There is no way I would be able to stop speaking to my siblings partners and exclude them without it blowing up. Same with my dh is he was excluded I would be furious, demand to know why and also not attend.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 22:02

bloody Hell. The mother wanted you to keep paying his phone. This is on top of wanting you to accept you can’t come to family events. But you need to provide for her waster son. Even after it’s ended and he’s behaving like this.

I think he’s told them not to engage wit you and not invite you I am afraid. I think he is behind this. He didn’t want you there. But he was happy to put his hand out and use you to support him.

and they all knew. What a horrible horrible family.

im glad you are out of this, it was never going to get better.

MichelleScarn · 31/01/2023 22:05

Agree block phone now. What a shitbag!!

Iwanttoridemybicycle641 · 31/01/2023 22:07

Probably really weird to say this but reading your response and handling of this makes me proud.

You've got this and doing the right thing. Never doubt that you deserve better.

They sound fucked up tbh and you've had a lucky escape

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 31/01/2023 22:25

You may not feel it, but you are bloody amazing OP. You've taken your life back. Continue to be strong. We have your back. Best of luck to you.

changeme4this · 31/01/2023 22:48

I’m another vote for getting his gear out of yours asap and having his family member pick it up pronto.

your update sounded like you ended up with another child that the bio mother isn’t too keen to have returned back to her.

what a terrible lot!

Original poster

wheresthewine36 · 01/02/2023 03:38

@Overgrowngrasslady She offered to pay the monthly phone bill but as the contract is in my name, I'm not doing that. If she's that bothered, she can get him a contract in her name.

His brothers girlfriend messaged me tonight to say they stopped talking to me because I "interfered and stuck my nose in" last time they were at my house.
She is referring to a barbecue they attended at my house in the Summer where partners brother got quite drunk and I hid his car keys and called them a taxi (his girlfriend was sober but can't drive). There was no way I was going to let him drive whilst drunk anyway but they also had their children with them! I took the car keys round to their house the next day, had a coffe with her and she didn't say a word about this being such an issue so I hadn't realised this was the catalyst. Un-fucking-believable!

Giving him until tomorrow to return the phone, if it doesn't come back by then, it'll be blocked. I've just put a spending cap on it so he won't be able to run up a bill.

What is wrong with me that I feel bloody sad?!!

OP posts:

GoodChat · 01/02/2023 05:21

Why did nobody just say something a year ago?! FWIW, you did exactly the right thing then just like you are now.

You'll be sad for a while but you'll know it was worth it long term.

ShellsOnTheBeach · 01/02/2023 05:30

I wonder how this lot will manage without a grown-up in their lives, now that you've tendered your resignation....

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 01/02/2023 05:30

Op you really are amazing. You deserve so much better. I don't know you but I'm proud of you

Turkeyneck101 · 01/02/2023 05:48

wheresthewine36 · 01/02/2023 03:38

@Overgrowngrasslady She offered to pay the monthly phone bill but as the contract is in my name, I'm not doing that. If she's that bothered, she can get him a contract in her name.

Giving him until tomorrow to return the phone, if it doesn't come back by then, it'll be blocked. I've just put a spending cap on it so he won't be able to run up a bill.

What is wrong with me that I feel bloody sad?!!

Omg... they're mad about this! They should be ashamed of themselves and embarrassed but haven't got the wit. Their behaviour toward you is so bad but would only have been the beginnihg of ongoing bad treatjent of you for the foreseeable future.. You are mourning what you thought was a good relationship but wasn't. It's horrible when someone treats you so badly especially when you've been so good (too good and maybe too trusting). You've done amazingly...pick up your britches and keep going forward and leave those blood sucking parasites behind.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 06:10

I am gobsmacked at this family. Ignoring you for 6 months for hiding car keys from a father, who is too immature to not drink and drive and his partner and mother to the children, who was willing to go along with it.

Actually I’m not surprised he is immature. Their mother has not raised either him or your ex to be fully-fledged adults. As for her saying not to ask. Words bloody fail me. How can there be trouble because you temporarily deprived someone of their car keys?

All in all, it is good his mother showed you who she really is. I don’t think anything positive would have come with trying to remain friends.

ShandaLear · 01/02/2023 06:31

Good Lord, the whole family sounds unhinged - a Confederation of Twats. You are brilliant and amazing and far too good for the lot of them.

ToDoListAddict · 01/02/2023 06:38

You stopped him breaking the law and potentially killing them and other people?! And that's considered worthy of complete alienation?! That family is insane!

euff · 01/02/2023 07:05

Well done op. I'm sorry you feel sad. I hope you find anger soon instead and that helps you move on.

You are a good person stopping that man drinking and driving. There is not an ounce of decency shared between all the members of that family. Your partner didn't tell you as he was scared he would lose his lovely free ride and same for his mother. I can't believe she called you cruel for asking for the phone back. I would as pp suggested block that asap.

Get his stuff gone, locks changed and block them all. Yes they will talk, keep your head up, you're the only one with any class in this.

Blueblell · 01/02/2023 07:13

You are well shot of them all!

TurtleCavalryIsSeriousShit · 01/02/2023 07:13

Oh Op, you are sad because you have been let down by people you loved and cared for. It's okay to be sad.

But also remember that you are strong and brave and a very, very good person.

OrderOfTheKookaburra · 01/02/2023 07:14

You are better off without any of them in your life!

ClemDanFango · 01/02/2023 07:30

You’ve dodged a fucking cannonball! Well done 👏🏻

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