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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 11:02

It’s incredibly odd that he will let the relationship end rather than tell you. And the mother is not going to either. Both know.

this tells me whatever it is means the relationship will end immediately with no hope of return if you find out. As his mother said, it will cause trouble.

what ever is going on here is signficant and so bad he can’t reveal it to you. So he’s at the root of it. Don’t let him back.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 11:04

Schnooze · 31/01/2023 09:42

When the dust has settled, ask his mum again. If she’s a true friend, she’ll enlighten you, even if that initially causes trouble between you and her, because if she doesn’t the friendship is over anyway,

this is the mothers family. The partner is her son. There is no way this woman is going to throw her son under the bus for the op. That much is clear.

I suspect the op will find out in time though.

kateandme · 31/01/2023 12:18

I'd want to no.id be angry with the need to no. Because things have been insane with the treatment of you.
Would it help to no op?ornif it was "bad" might that Actually hurt too much.could you cope with the answer mommatter what it is,could you cope with not knowing.

Schnooze · 31/01/2023 12:23

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 11:04

this is the mothers family. The partner is her son. There is no way this woman is going to throw her son under the bus for the op. That much is clear.

I suspect the op will find out in time though.

Show quote history

I mean after she has left him and the dust has settled. The op has nothing to lose asking his mum. The friendship might, just might, survive if the mum is honest. It won’t otherwise anyway.

olympicsrock · 31/01/2023 12:25

Well done. They are shitty and he is weak and disloyal. You are better off without them xx

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 31/01/2023 13:05

@MsMarch You were bang on the money. He's started threatening to harm himself now.

His mum came to see me this morning, said he'd called her and asked her to speak to me. To her credit, she told him she wasn't going to defend him and he needed to sort it out for himself. However, she did tell me its unreasonable of me to "expect him to take your side over his family". I stood my ground and told her I wasn't aware there were sides because I still have no idea what I am supposed to have done to warrant this. She said again that she doesn't know, has asked partners brothers girlfriend and was told there isn't an issue. I pointed out that there clearly is an issue as myself and my children have repeatedly been excluded from things we had previously been included in but the bigger issue for me is that my partner had never bothered to try to find out the root of the problem. She told me that's just who he is and if I can't accept that and accept not being included in family events then we shouldn't be together. I told her I agree and that's why her son is now single and needs to arrange to remove his belongings from my property.

After she left, he messaged me and asked if we could talk. I replied saying that there really wasn't anything left to talk about apart from when he wants to pick his stuff up. He then called me, told me he feels shit because he barely slept last night and was hungry because he didn't have any lunch to take to work. I asked him if he called to complain about being hungry and tired or if there was something relevant he wanted to say. He asked again if he could come "home" to talk and I told him again that unless he had something new to say, there wasnt any point. He said he needs me, has mental health issues and I'm the only one who can help him. I told him I have already set his next GP appointment up and if he wants someone to go with him, perhaps his brother or sister could go with him. He then said "you don't know what I'm going to do to myself now", hung up and switched his phone off. I left him a message telling him as I believe he is threatening to harm himself, I would be informing his mum as his next of kin for his own protection. I sent her screenshots of the messages and told her I believe he is implying he may harm himself so I am turning it over to her and their family to deal with. He then messaged me telling me not to ever speak to his family. I replied telling him to seek help and not to contact me again, then blocked his number. As far as I know, his mum hasn't read the messages yet but I have a strong suspicion I will be blocking her number too by the end of the day.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 31/01/2023 13:29

Do you have a car etc so you could drop his things at his moms house, so nobody else has a reason to contact you?

Just leave them on her garden.

DashboardConfessional · 31/01/2023 13:33

Yeesh. You're well rid of the lot of them.

PollyPut · 31/01/2023 13:33

It sounds very much like your partner is hiding something

ParanoidGynodroid · 31/01/2023 13:35

Wow. Well done for staying strong and standing your ground OP.

You'll be so much better off without these people in your life.

Fraaahnces · 31/01/2023 13:55

If you didn’t know before now, then you absolutely must know that it was him shit-stirring behind the scenes. What a parasite.

MsMarch · 31/01/2023 13:57

@wheresthewine36 I'm sorry I'm right. I'd far rather have been wrong. But you are dazzling me with your strength and commitment, well done!!!

One thing I will add - The issues with his family are obviously important but please don't forget the rest: this man has been sponging emotionally, financially and practically off you for a long time. He has got away with it for a long time. I suspect, that your lack of inclusion in family events is linked to that - either he does not really want to be with you but saw you as a meal ticket or possibly his family saw him for what he is and didn't want to get in the middle. Either way, what's happened is that there have been multiple behaviours that are actually not okay but he is going to focus on this ONE. Offer to fix it. Promise to change etc. But that doesn't solve the problem becuase it's a much BIGGER problem.

I note that YOU have booked his GP appointment. So along with paying, looking after his children etc, you've also been doing all the heavy lifting for him too?

Stay strong. You are handing this 100% correctly.

SpookyBlackCat · 31/01/2023 14:20

Fraaahnces · 31/01/2023 13:55

If you didn’t know before now, then you absolutely must know that it was him shit-stirring behind the scenes. What a parasite.

Exactly!

As outsiders, no one here believed that he didn't know what was going on. You can see the real him now, the lies, the manipulation. Well done on getting rid!

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 31/01/2023 14:42

"He then called me, told me he feels shit because he barely slept last night and was hungry because he didn't have any lunch to take to work"

Do you mean you selfishly didn't pause your life to make up a packed lunch for him and deliver it to his cousin's house early in the morning before he left for work And as a result of this callous oversight he had to starve all day (rather than shell out for a sandwich because his cousin has no food in the house either)? And after he barely slept too?
Shirking your carer responsibilities a bit there OP 😂

As for the Mum. "She told me that's just who he is and if I can't accept that and accept not being included in family events then we shouldn't be together. I told her I agree." - Is that all she expects? You are allowed to continue the relationship if you accept never being included in family events for unspecified reasons? Crackers. Given that she's known you for years, how did she even say this with a straight face? He's clearly told her what his terms are and what to say to you, The packed lunches are her responsibility again from now on!

He then messaged me telling me not to ever speak to his family.
It didn't take him long to turn nasty. There's something very weird going on here OP and its def, not you. Both the Mum and the "D"P want to make sure you don't speak to other family members.

Good for you, dealing with this very assertively and not allowing them to push you around. It's hurtful behaviour from them, but I think you know you will soon be enjoying the absence of it and of all this drama.

blackbeardsballsack · 31/01/2023 14:44

It's crazy how predictable these men are. Yet another selfish, useless, manipulative man who threatens to harm himself as a means of restoring his power. And so quick to forget about his faux mindset when he jumped back to tell you not to message his mum! I love it when women see the light and suddenly it's no longer possible for their shit boyfriends to run rings round them. Can you imagine his fury that his meal ticket, personal assistant, free accommodation and everything else that you've provided him with is no longer available? No wonder he's having a tantrum!

Namechangedforthis234 · 31/01/2023 14:45

My guess is that at some point (last July?) You and your partner had a row and he went and told his family all about it. You should never tell friends and family all the details of relationship problems if you intend to stay with that person, just causes drama.

Sending you strength!

DashboardConfessional · 31/01/2023 14:49

I am genuinely flabbergasted that he rang you about his work lunch. Is he incapable of going to a shop and buying a meal deal or a Pot Noodle?

MsMarch · 31/01/2023 14:53

It didn't take him long to turn nasty. There's something very weird going on here OP and its def, not you. Both the Mum and the "D"P want to make sure you don't speak to other family members.

I am increasingly convinced that his siblings do not approve of his treatment of OP. And that in fact, HE has told them not to contact her and/or they're all avoiding her because they're so embarrassed by his behaviour but don't want to cause more family tension by saying something.

billy1966 · 31/01/2023 14:58

Fraaahnces · 31/01/2023 13:55

If you didn’t know before now, then you absolutely must know that it was him shit-stirring behind the scenes. What a parasite.

Most likely.

He has likely spoken very badly about you not long after moving into your home.

He's a user loser and a liar to boot.

Well done for finally standing up for yourself and your children.

He shouldn't be allowed anywhere near your home or children again.

Any further threats, contact the police.

If you have someone who would bring his belongings to his mothers, then pack them up and dump them at hers.

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 15:08

What a fucked up family. I cannot believe his mother said you had to accept you wouldn’t be invited to family events. And now he’s trying to bully and manipulate you.

just steer clear of the lot of them op and if he turns up call the police

Overgrowngrasslady · 31/01/2023 15:10

Also op you need to get his stuff out without seeing him, so ask his mother or siblings to collect and you will leave it outside.

user467892 · 31/01/2023 15:13

Sounds like you had a lucky escape from them all!! You made the right decision OP, there's one thing you being left out (which is bad enough) but you wouldn't want your children growing up wondering why they're being excluded too.

Pinkishpurpleyblue · 31/01/2023 15:29

Wow. Thats so twisted. I cannot believe what I've just read. So glad that you have removed the parasite from your life.

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 31/01/2023 17:37

I am goggling at your latest update OP. And I'm so sorry you're having to deal with such a man child! Cheek of his mum to say that to you! There is obviously a problem which no-one is telling you but then she says there isn't and that you shouldn't expect him to back you up rather than his family?! Wtf?!

So glad you're getting shot of him (and his weird family!)

LavenderfortheBees · 31/01/2023 18:51

They are all treating him like a child and he is lapping it up. Well done for expecting him to act like an adult.