Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

Wow, that update is something else, OP! You stopped the brother from getting behind the wheel drunk with their kids in the back and they stopped talking to you and excluded you and your kids for it?! You might understandably feel a bit sad at the break-up right now but at some point very very soon you’ll realise you have had a lucky escape from the lot of them! What a horrible, toxic family. I bet the girlfriend got in touch because it’s dawning on them all that without you being his grown-up partner, they’re now responsible for your immature ex.

Also, he lied. He must’ve known full well what the issue is because it started at your house.

She could have explained what the problem was months ago. Why is she telling you now? Because they want to keep you locked in to this relationship so that he doesn't become their problem to deal with. Horrible people

If his mum knew why all along (she did, mark my words) and didn't want to take sides, when her SiL was risking their children by driving drunk, she's pathetic.

Well done op. Kudos to you.💐💐💐

This. In spades!!

Wow OP I’m baffled that you doing the right thing and stopping someone drink driving and potentially killing/injuring themselves and their family and/or being arrested let them not to speak to you. I can’t believe his mum didn’t want to get involved imagine if her grandchildren had been injured.

I would reply to the SIL and mum. “I’m sorry that me wanting to ensure the safety of the family has led to the breakup of our relationship. But I never would have forgiven myself if the family and children I love would have been injured or killed due to drink driving. The same if BIL had gone to prison. If the price of everyone’s safety and freedom is my relationship with DP then as much as it saddens me I will accept that price. As I least I know a family hasn’t been torn apart. I’m sad that no one told me this was the issue as I care very much for this family but I accept that I am no longer part of it.” I would add to the mum that it’s sad that as friends she couldn’t have talked to you.

it’s rubbish you have gone through all of this for doing the right thing

And for them to exclude your children because they were having Wobblies about the other dick in their lives having his car keys hidden..

you can really do so much more better than this lot!

So you were to have the part of the relationship where he lives off of you in your home, you pay his phone bill, but you don't get to engage in other aspects of his life?

Imagine saying, sure we'll stay together but you can't live here, we won't do anything social together or have sex!

The mum didn’t want to tell you as how could she defend her family when you were so obviously in the right.

You're sad because there was a problem all along. You knew it but they wouldn't admit it.

You did what any normal person would do in regards to the drink driving

This family is dysfunctional and full of fuck wits.

A perfect unmasking of the lot of them!
I can't believe their responses to you!

And as for your DP caught laughing and joking with his cousin shortly after insisting that he was going to attempt suicide a ploy he used because he knew that this had been a real-life issue in your own circle - its just staggering.

What a glaring lack of consideration for your feelings from all of them.
The excellent thing is how you have revealed their behaviour and dragged it into the open. You did the right thing about the drink driving . They should be ashamed of themselves and be thanking you. Not excommunicating you. Your DP and MIL friend expected you to just tolerate it for their own convenience. They didn't want you to find out because you would act as you just have and leave him.

You handled this with dignity particularly when unfounded allegations have been thrown at you, you responded with calm unassailable fact-based logic and demolished their silly arguments. I think your MIL/Friend must be feeling extremely foolish now.
Let him keep his blooming phone indeed - they are still trying to carve one last advantage after you!

Its not surprising you feel sad after being treated like this, and after having what seemed like a happy situation dashed. But it wont be long before you feel so glad that you stood your ground and a huge millstone has been removed from your neck and you are free of this bunch of con artists. Best wishes OP.

Having seen your updates, OP, you do sound like one of life's good eggs. You also sound very sensible and self aware. Unfortunately, we can all have our blind spots about people. I think it's a blessing that you have had your eyes open to your ex P and his wretched family. I do wonder if your friendship with the mother has been clouding your judgment to the behaviour of her son and other family members. I hope you are able to cut ties with them for good - total NC - asap. Maybe afterwards, you need to have a bit of a period of self reflection about your needs and your boundaries in any future relationships. Good luck to you, you deserve a bloke who returns all your lovely qualities with his own.

Honestly, I think they’re clutching at straws. Imagine having to dig that up as an excuse. They’re idiots. Also obviously overly enmeshed in each other’s lives in very unhealthy ways by the sounds of things. Better out than in, @wheresthewine36

Honestly, what a bunch of twats! Unbelievable.

Revel in your new found assertiveness, and never let anyone take advantage of your good nature again. Stay stone cold and vindicated in the fact that they are, in fact, a bunch of co dependent nut case dramatics.

Enjoy your new life, free of theatrics! Take a big sigh of relief and reclaim your sanity. ❤️

Wow! Even if they were pissed off at you for hiding the keys (and they're already in the wrong there) reacting by ostracising you and your kids, and refusing to tell you what the issue is, is something else. You're well rid of all of them, congratulations!

Sorry OP but you sound more like his mum than his partner. Making his GP appointments, setting up a phone contract. Is that the kind of relationship you want/expect? I'd be interested to know what your childhood was like.

So everyone knew what this was about, but nobody would tell you. They are all pathetic.

It's understandable that you're sad. The end of a relationship is always a bit sad even if it's what you want, but my goodness you are better off out of this weird, enmeshed family.

You sound so grounded and sensible - what on earth did you ever see in him?

I think I'm going to save this thread and refer to it whenever I feel like wanker men get away with shit! I can't do emoticons on my computer but imagine lots of party bunting, celebratory champagne and huge roars of approval!

They are clearly a bunch of toxic losers and you are well shot of them. You're also going to be amazed how much easier your life is. And how much more money you have every month.

She offered to pay the monthly phone bill but as the contract is in my name

Wtf, he can’t afford a phone and his mum was going to pay and he’s homeless. Phones you up to say he’s hungry and doesn’t have food.

bloody hell. What a catch.

Wow op I just read tft and this is bonkers, what a messed up toxic family they are!
You should be proud of yourself for the way you've handled this, it's natural to feel sad as well though because despite everything that's happened, it's still the end of a relationship and it's closing a chapter of your life. You initially had hopes for the relationship, and it makes you feel like shit when you've been treated badly by anyone, let alone an entire family (they really are mad as hatters though so nothing will make sense. You wouldn't be human if you didn't feel some sadness and a right old mix of emotions.

Whatever you do, don't beat yourself up over what ifs, you've been treated appallingly and thank god you're out of it now. You and your dc deserve so much more, honestly I think you're an inspiration for how you've handled this situation and you really should feel very proud of yourself

Thanks, everyone. I know I did the right thing stopping him from driving and I'm so glad she told me what it was. I'm embarrassed to admit how worried I have been that there may have been a valid reason they had cut me out and that there was something wrong with me. At least now I know there is definitely something wrong with them! She said in her message that my ex partner didn't know so "why are you taking it out on him?" , partners mother "knows but was too nice to tell you" and "you know X won't be able to see his boys if you do this, hope you can live with that." Holy shit, they actually still think they're in the right 😳I have just replied to her message.

Thank you for telling me the cause of the issue. After 7 months of being gaslighted into believing I was either somehow imagining myself and my children being treated like lepers or that I must have done something terrible to deserve this, it is reassuring to know that in reality, you were mortally offended by me caring enough about you and your children to prevent you from risking your own and their lives. Hard to believe three grown adults would behave in this way but I'm beginning to understand this is standard behaviour within the family you are in. Good luck with that, I'm sure your turn will come.

X mum being "too nice" to tell me may have been an acceptable excuse if the reason for your behaviour lay with some defect in me but the fact is that what I did was not only legally but also morally right so she wasn't being nice, she was preventing me from rocking the boat you were all comfortable in, despite the discomfort of myself and my children, by defending myself.

I'm not "taking it out" on X . I am actually glad that the events which have unfolded have forced me to make an honest evaluation of our relationship and revealed who he is as a person. Let's just say he has been found to be somewhat lacking. As have you all, in fact.

Whilst I am very sad that I won't be seeing X's children any more, X can make alternative arrangements to see them. Might I suggest that as you are so mindful of him not being able to see them, you allow him to live with you and have the children there every other weekend? A bit of advice should you do that, though. You will need to be their active caregiver whilst they are there as X's idea of being in his children's lives only runs to being present in the same location as them for 36 hours, he isn't really keen on the active parenting side of being a parent.

I suspect you won't consider facilitating contact for more than 30 seconds at best because it isn't your responsibility, is it?

Well, believe it or not, it isn't mine either.

I don't wish to communicate any further with any of you. I find your behaviour and attitudes appalling and I am so glad not to fit in with any of you. You are all very welcome to each other.

Veering between sadness and anger but I also feel very stupid and guilty for allowing these people into my children's lives and tolerating such poor treatment.

@MoirasSaggyBundles I will be staying single. I clearly have a lot of work to do on myself before I can even consider trusting my ability to enforce healthy boundaries.

Whoop. Well done op; written with dignity and you maintained rhe upper hand.

what a bunch of low life morally corrupt losers they are. Dropping you for stopping him drink driving. Making it your job to facilitate his kids. Wtf is wrong with them all. What a lousy shameful family.

OP I think I love you.

That is a zinger of a response, OP!! I am in awe. Bloody well done! Let them all take it out on each other now while you get on with the rest of your life.

BRAVO 👏

Take a bow 👏