Partners family not talking to me

[wheresthewine36]

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

This shunning of you by his family is huge psychological violence, I hope you make a speedy recovery from this terrible treatment. They are vile.

@billy1966 Thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule volunteering at the Samaritans to leave that comment 👌

When I split with my ex ( his cheating) his family gave me the cold shoulder. I had to go to their house for something and was again given the cold shoulder. I just asked what I had done to offend them ...turns out he left out the bit where he cheated. Told them a load of baloney, his sister knew and she didn't bother informing the rest of the family either. I now have nothing to do with any of them. We had been together for 15 years. Alot of men are utterly spineless.

It sounds like they have form so while it may be a shock it's likely it was inevitable. For me the concern is your dp's response he should be backing you not sitting on the fence. Is he scared to stand up to them? I'd definitely not give them a second thought sounds like you have dodged a bullet with them. I'd also wonder if your dp is worth the effort.

He has given you the run a round for months while living in your home.

He is a liar who knows well what is going on, and you have accepted this.

You deserve better than this, as do your children.

Have you not read the bit where OP has asked him to move out?

He must have told a lie to them about you. Someone has.

if his family cared about his happiness they wouldnt do this to him, if he had a backbone and cared about you then he wouldnt put you in this position.

You as his partner should come first. His attitude towards you speaks volumes.

Some families (usually toxic ones) can behave like cults.

This reminds me of a family who were ‘friends’ of my Mum, she and the other mother shared the drive to school and back when we were kids.

One day, my Mum who had sent in a poem, had it published in the local paper.

This woman and her husband refused to speak to my Mum, shunned her and gave her the silent treatment for months. All because they interpreted the poem as being critical of them - it wasn’t and had nothing to do with them. But the mother was narcissistic, ultra sensitive to any perceived criticism and saw insults where none existed.

This family sound similar. The son is pathetic and weak and I couldn’t ever respect someone like that. You’re doing the right thing OP.

Well done op.strength time now though. He's got a comfy life here.thinfs will have to massively change for him if he has to leave. So back pedalling will soon begin.
Do not let this man own any more of your life or pain.
They've ALL shown their true selves here and it's dark and horrid.
Be free of them.start to feel better.free.abd without this hurt and weight on your shoulders.
But please don't jet him say anything to grant him back. He's done so much harm to you!! Anx for so long. He needs to fuck off.

Well because OP wonders why the family took against her, is why it might matter, not sure why your are getting your knickers in a twist over my post!

He messaged me today to say he is going to stay at his cousins tonight. As he is clearly able to stay there, I don't see any reason why he needs to stay at mine until Friday as I previously offered. So, I'm going to pack his bags tonight and he can arrange a time convenient to me to come and collect them.
Thank you ladies for all your feedback. I am really awful for accepting bad treatment and gaslighting myself into thinking I'm overreacting so your responses have really helped me to understand that what I am asking for is not unreasonable. I ha a terrible habit of ignoring my own feelings in order to accommodate other people and I've realised I've been doing this throughout the relationship, with both him and his family. I feel very wobbly emotionally and like I'm doing something wrong but I know deep down that this is what's best for me and my children. I am determined to see this through and end it for good.

"My children have never met anyone else I've dated but as they knew my partner I didn't feel I was moving him in before they knew him well.
Circumstances were such that if he hadn't moved in with me, he would have had to move some distance away which would have made it difficult for him to see his children, us to see each other and him to keep his job.
I now wish I had not seen these difficulties as mine to solve but at the time, I trusted that we were a partnership and my support would be reciprocated if the roles were reversed."

Reading this made me well up a little. What a user he is! Moving in with you was of massive advantage to him.

Honestly, I'd just have sent him packing to his mother and siblings, I'm sure they've got couches he can sleep on whilst he sorts himself out. And I think it would be better for you and your children if you told him you'd changed your mind and you want him gone today. You've already posted that "The "I need you/I can change/You're everything to me" has been going on a while now." Don't subject yourself to this manipulation, it can be very draining and you really don't need to do this. He is not your responsibility. You can see now that his past difficulties were not yours to solve. Please, stretch that insight to see that his current housing difficulty is similarly not yours to solve. Send him home to mummy.

Oof, cross-posted (I m such a slow typist!) and really happy to read your latest post OP.

So glad to hear you are getting rid. You deserve much better.

Just be glad that the penny has dropped with this man

Thank goodness you've seen the light, OP. This situation must be so frustrating: the inexplicable behaviour, the sheer injustice of it all... and your ex P's failure to care enough to even mention it, let alone fix it.

Where does this leave your friendship with his mum? It seems that you and she were close at one point, but she's also not bothering to fix this situation. I guess that friendship's over too, then 😔.

I am so happy for you, and so proud! You will feel as if the weight of the world has been lifted from your shoulders in time. You feel like you are doing something wrong because you are so used to other people making their problems and priorities into burdens for you to bear - well, no more!

It feels scary for all the usual break up reasons.youve also become comfortably in pain of that makes sense.its all you've known so there is a safety of sorts in that.withojt them,him,it what will you do who will you be etc. You'll have all new feelings but that's the EXCITING part! You get to find out who you are and how you feel without these people burying you undernthis hurt and shame.
You get to feel safe.peaceful.and like you.bloody matter.its yours and you kids time to be important now.

Good idea OP, no reason to give him any more days in that case.
Make sure you change all your locks, even if he gives back the key.
Did he show no emotion/begin/trying to sort things out?

@HPLikecraft I don't know what will happen between me and his mum. I would like to think our friendship can survive this but I'm not so sure as I am actually a little disappointed that she has not been in my corner. If she doesn't understand why I feel the way I do, I think it will end the friendship but I'll wait and see what her reaction is.

@blackbeardsballsack @kateandme Thank you. I suffer with anxiety as a result of CPTSD so at the moment I am struggling a bit to trust my decision but hopefully that will ease in time.
@Hoplesscynic He asked me not to end it, told me he'd have my back in the future, said he needs me. I asked him how he would feel if the roles were reversed and he said he'd feel let down by me...still not a word about finding out why they have done this or offering to tell them its unacceptable. Spineless, uncaring, or wilfully uncomprehending, I'm not sure which but one of them are a quality I can accept in a partner. I think at the moment he thinks I will cave and allow him back because he knows I struggle to trust myself. He is mistaken.

try not to overthink the future. right now you just need to be away from him,them possibly. you dont no what it is or why. you might never. but it is there responsibilty to come to you if they want forgivenss.and it will be them needing to come to you for that. not the other way round.
and if you think about it you dont need them. youve actually done without them for the past however long since theyve been targeting this hate towards you. so you cna do it. you dont need him or them.
he wont change. this isnt a one off that he has fixed immediately this is something hes continued.and continued past the point of how much its hurt you and even you telling him how hurt you are.
you need time on your own with your kids to find YOUR confidence again. at the moment your just covered by all the feeling they are making you feel by how they are treating you.
let go of them and you will be free to just feel peace for once. no wondering why or what or how you should be or what have you done.just you.
what comes in the future doesnt matter. it will come as it will come.
take your time and just be you

@kateandme Thank you 😊

Just imagine that sigh of relief when his stuff is all gone. Finally being able to focus on yourself and not needing to worry about what's going on with him and his silly family. Onwards and upwards!

When the dust has settled, ask his mum again. If she’s a true friend, she’ll enlighten you, even if that initially causes trouble between you and her, because if she doesn’t the friendship is over anyway,