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Original poster

Partners family not talking to me

404 replies

wheresthewine36 · 29/01/2023 23:05

I've been with my partner just over a year but have known him and his family since we were children. When we got together, I was seeing lots of his mum, sister, brother and brothers girlfriend. Had them over to dinner, hosted family parties, babysat their children etc. Last July, I noticed a shift in atmosphere around partners sister, brother and his girlfriend and asked partners mum if she'd noticed anything, or if I had unknowlingly upset someone. She said she wasn't aware of anything and thought I was being overly sensitive. Over the next few weeks, contact with all three of them completely stopped (had been very regular before that) and partners brother and his girlfriend unfriended me on social media. Partners sister had invited myself and my children to stay with her in the summer and when I messaged to ask about dates, she simply never replied. Partner said he had no idea why, partners mother said the same. I told partners mother that I intended to ask them what the issue was and she asked me not to as she was concerned it may "cause trouble". I did as I was asked and hoped some sort of explanation would come about. It never has and I am now excluded from everything which involves them. Partner still goes to visit them etc. with his children. Myself and my children are excluded from these visits. At Christmas, I bought gifts for all their children (6 of them) from my partner, myself and our children. They bought gifts for my partner and his children but nothing for me and my children and none of them ever thanked me for the gifts. I explained to my partner how hurt I was and he again told me he had no idea why they had suddenly cut me out. It has upset me but what has upset me more is that my partner has never asked them what the problem is or in any way brought the situation up with them. This all came to a head a few days ago when partners sister was visiting his brother (who lives 10 minutes from us) and partner went to their house to see her. When he came back, I told him again that I was upset he didn't seem to have any loyalty to me and whilst I didn't want to cause trouble in his family, I really think he should have asked them all why they have chosen to exclude me and my children in this way. He says its none of his business. I feel really strongly about this and think he should have at least asked them what is going on. So, am I being unreasonable to expect him to have my back? Sorry for the long post.

OP posts:
HiddenGiraffes · 01/02/2023 12:04

They're pissed off because they expected you to still act as his unpaid, unappreciated cater while they treated you like shit and excluded your kids. Jesus Christ.

euff · 01/02/2023 12:05

Really, really good response op. He has a number of family members who can facilitate him seeing his kids, put a roof over his head, make his lunches and feed him his dinner, pay for his phone, look after his children on his days. The gall of these people laying blame with you over him not being able to see his kids. You've facilitated his entire life for too long. You are escaping this vile family and moving on and not spending the rest of your life like this. I can't get over her saying 'if you do this'! It's done! I hope his bags are packed and out the door.

Fraaahnces · 01/02/2023 12:08

Take a bow and watch the roses fall from the balconies and enjoy the sound of mumsnet applause ringing in your ears.
Well Fucking Done!!!

CurzonDax · 01/02/2023 12:19

Brilliant response - well done 🙂

kateandme · 01/02/2023 12:48

wheresthewine36 · 01/02/2023 11:26

Thanks, everyone. I know I did the right thing stopping him from driving and I'm so glad she told me what it was. I'm embarrassed to admit how worried I have been that there may have been a valid reason they had cut me out and that there was something wrong with me. At least now I know there is definitely something wrong with them! She said in her message that my ex partner didn't know so "why are you taking it out on him?" , partners mother "knows but was too nice to tell you" and "you know X won't be able to see his boys if you do this, hope you can live with that." Holy shit, they actually still think they're in the right 😳I have just replied to her message.

Thank you for telling me the cause of the issue. After 7 months of being gaslighted into believing I was either somehow imagining myself and my children being treated like lepers or that I must have done something terrible to deserve this, it is reassuring to know that in reality, you were mortally offended by me caring enough about you and your children to prevent you from risking your own and their lives. Hard to believe three grown adults would behave in this way but I'm beginning to understand this is standard behaviour within the family you are in. Good luck with that, I'm sure your turn will come.

X mum being "too nice" to tell me may have been an acceptable excuse if the reason for your behaviour lay with some defect in me but the fact is that what I did was not only legally but also morally right so she wasn't being nice, she was preventing me from rocking the boat you were all comfortable in, despite the discomfort of myself and my children, by defending myself.

I'm not "taking it out" on X . I am actually glad that the events which have unfolded have forced me to make an honest evaluation of our relationship and revealed who he is as a person. Let's just say he has been found to be somewhat lacking. As have you all, in fact.

Whilst I am very sad that I won't be seeing X's children any more, X can make alternative arrangements to see them. Might I suggest that as you are so mindful of him not being able to see them, you allow him to live with you and have the children there every other weekend? A bit of advice should you do that, though. You will need to be their active caregiver whilst they are there as X's idea of being in his children's lives only runs to being present in the same location as them for 36 hours, he isn't really keen on the active parenting side of being a parent.

I suspect you won't consider facilitating contact for more than 30 seconds at best because it isn't your responsibility, is it?

Well, believe it or not, it isn't mine either.

I don't wish to communicate any further with any of you. I find your behaviour and attitudes appalling and I am so glad not to fit in with any of you. You are all very welcome to each other.

Veering between sadness and anger but I also feel very stupid and guilty for allowing these people into my children's lives and tolerating such poor treatment.

@MoirasSaggyBundles I will be staying single. I clearly have a lot of work to do on myself before I can even consider trusting my ability to enforce healthy boundaries.

Op I think you are my hero.
And I actually don't think you have a lot of work to do on yourself.you sound grounded,adult,considered,mature and funking write like a boss!(clearly something I lack haha)
You have handled yourself literally the best I have ever seen on ALL the time I've been on here.
You might need time to process and heal.youve been fucking held by your neck by these shitheads and I am so angry on your behalf.
Your are so beyond well wrid. Jees what a bunch of knobs. They're on the cusp of nutty.

Just do what you want to do now.have days out with the kids.nights cosy in on the sofa.
Clean sheets.spread Eagle in your bed. Lots of good food and good TV or books.
Just rest,heal and regroup a bit.
They've put your though hell.
Time to be freeeeeeee.

AutumnCrow · 01/02/2023 12:50

My mind is full of apple metaphors.

You've really upset their apple cart, OP. And it's full of rotten ones, as you've now twigged. Mostly, though, with your message to CF you've said a rather glorious, 'how do you like them apples?'

Families are so weird. I think we ought to be able to audition them before we start getting too serious with a partner.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 01/02/2023 12:51

euff · 01/02/2023 12:05

Really, really good response op. He has a number of family members who can facilitate him seeing his kids, put a roof over his head, make his lunches and feed him his dinner, pay for his phone, look after his children on his days. The gall of these people laying blame with you over him not being able to see his kids. You've facilitated his entire life for too long. You are escaping this vile family and moving on and not spending the rest of your life like this. I can't get over her saying 'if you do this'! It's done! I hope his bags are packed and out the door.

This with bells on

"you know X won't be able to see his boys if you do this, hope you can live with that."

The absolute bare-faced cheek of it! Zero self-awareness.
She thinks you should feel guilty and it's down to you that he can't organise seeing his DC because you are no longer this pathetic man's carer.

When they are sober enough to drive and have access to a car - It's their job now! I hope they can live with themselves.

Well shot of the entire lot of them OP and its good that this situation has forced things to come to a head before anymore time is wasted and for them to finally reveal their awful attitudes.

TiredButDancing · 01/02/2023 12:51

I particularly love the attempt to make it YOUR problem that he can't see his DC. This is such classic behaviour from people like this and it's soooo often effective. Well done OP.

The temptation to send this thread to my SIL as an example of how it SHOULD be done with these manipulative fuckers is high. But will resist!

Good job!

HowcanIgetoutofthisalive · 01/02/2023 13:22

God what an absolutely FABULOUS text message! Bloody fantastic. Hold your head high OP!!

BookmarkReportSave · 01/02/2023 13:34

Bloody well done @wheresthewine36 !

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/02/2023 13:36

That is just the most amazing message to your ex’s family. Brava 👏

Any news on when he’ll collect his stuff and return the phone.

BigMandsTattooPortfolio · 01/02/2023 13:50

I think you’re brilliant OP.

The family I mentioned upthread - the one which was like a cult - the son was an addict and when his partner finally had enough and chucked him out, she was on the receiving end of some horrible blaming by his narcissistic mother. Apparently she should have tolerated his drugged up state and provided him with shelter and food forever. Not only that, but following their separation, on his visitation day with his child, he stole his partner’s credit card and used it to withdraw money from her account to buy more drugs. So she blocked the card and reported it. The mother was absolutely livid - not with the son, but with his partner.

Families can behave like mafia. Never underestimate the malignant behaviour of dysfunctional mothers of dysfunctional sons when an ‘outsider’ shines a spotlight on their dysfunction.

FlamingoQueen · 01/02/2023 14:36

Awesome response!

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 01/02/2023 14:51

I think they are probably all a bit in shock that I am standing up for myself...I'm a bit shocked myself, to be honest. I have this weird, unhealthy fear of being disliked or thought of as unkind or difficult so I usually sideline my own needs and swallow down my disappointment, which leands to internal resentment. In hindsight, I have been especially bad for not having boundaries with my ex-partners mum throughout our friendship. I met her at a time when I had just lost my own mum and I think being quickly included in their family meant so much to me that I tolerated being taken advantage of, hence turning my house over for family parties/putting up her sons etc. As much as they have at times taken advantage, I have to take responsibility for allowing that. I am quite shy so don't have many friends either, I think the thought of losing those friendships made me fearful of asserting myself. They probably did me a huge favour by excluding me as I didn't have much left to lose and that forced me to be honest with myself about the relationships and the fact that I was being used. Definitely need to work on my own self-worth and attachment issues.
Thank you again, ladies, for all your encouragement, I really don't think I would have seen this through without it.x

OP posts:
SomeUnspokenThing · 01/02/2023 14:58

OP, to echo what previous posters have already said - you have handled yourself incredibly well. Your comment about making friends with your ex's mum and being included in their family when you had lost your own mum is very insightful. You were vulnerable and they took advantage of that. Personally, I'd be proud to be your friend. You deserve a gang of wonderful friends who genuinely support you and would be grateful for the support you would give to them. I wish all good things for you and your children for the future.

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 01/02/2023 14:59

You sound awesome, OP. They don't deserve you. Flowers

billy1966 · 01/02/2023 14:59

Well done.

I really mean it.

You may well look back at this time and come to realise it was a life charging moment where you turned off the path you have been on for a long time and headed off in a much more positive direction for you and your children.

You have asserted yourself calmly and eloquently and this should show you that there is a lot more steel in you than you realised.

This will be wonderful modelling for your children and will ultimately lead you to have a calmer, better life surrounded by decent people and not extras for a Jeremy Kyle episode.

Good luck.

Coyoacan · 01/02/2023 15:22

Respect!

You have handled this situation incredibly well.

About the totally weird reason why they stopped speaking to you, I had something like that happen to me years back. A neighbour stopped speaking to me for about six months and then started agains. So one day I asked why she had done that and the reason was absolutely absurd. There had I been thinking I had done something terrible. Since then, if someone stops speaking to me I know it is probably nothing to do with my behaviour.

MysteryBelle · 01/02/2023 15:55

Wow. Just read the updates. Op, make sure you totally disentangle yourself in every way from this deadly family incl unstable manipulator you were with. Sounds like you’re doing that, good.

What you’ve learned is what was true all along. You are way out of their league, in class and integrity. Please know your worth. There are men and families who are top notch. That’s where you belong. Don’t waste another moment.

Well done standing up for yourself.

tattygrl · 01/02/2023 16:25

GOOD FOR YOU OP!!!!

This has been one of the most satisfying updates I've ever read on here. Of course I'm so sorry you have had to go through all this and be treated this way, but the way you have responded to them all is absolutely stellar. Wishing you all the best as you move forward with your own beautiful life.

AftersomeAdvice234 · 01/02/2023 17:25

@wheresthewine36 op I am so so impressed by you. please do give us any updates you might have in a few days or weeks. you’ve shown those people what you are really made of.

@mumsnet please can we put this thread in classics? If I were in this situation I would certainly find this thread useful and use it to inspire and guide me. So I know it will help many, many people.

I wish you all the best but after this, I know you’ll be more than ok.

MedievalNun · 01/02/2023 17:53

Just coming in to say kudos to you - and so, so well done for confiscating the car keys. I nearly lost my mum at age 9 to a drunk driver. You were in the right to do what you did, and you are even more in the right to stand up for yourself against this toxic family.

Sending 💐 as I suspect you need them.

ZeldaWillTellYourFortune · 01/02/2023 19:13

I'm so glad you stood up for yourself, established healthy boundaries and told them where to get off! Well done! Bullet dodged!

ProperVexed · 01/02/2023 19:17

Superb response. Now, I have a couple of emails I need a hand with....can I hire you? There must be a business there somewhere!

Original poster
wheresthewine36 · 01/02/2023 21:29

Thanks again for all your lovely comments and support.
@AftersomeAdvice234 I'm hoping any future update will be very boring because they have all just left me alone and I have stopped feeling angry and sad and feel nothing but indifference 🤞
@ProperVexed I will take that job, thank you very much 😂 Would love to write for a living, its so therapeutic for me.

OP posts: