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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not having another child because of first child's reluctance to have a sibling

119 replies

ozymandias2 · 29/01/2023 11:22

Hello,
We currently have a 5 year old (slightly traumatic history as she was premature and DW had quite bad hyperemesis during pregnancy). DD is now healthy with no issues. I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

However, 5 year old DD seems totally against the idea and gets very emotional and sad at even the prospect of talking about it. DW is now in two minds due to DD's reactions on these discussions.

I personally think we should just get on and have another one, as DD will just have to get used to it as that's life? AIBU? Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol. Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally. Have to make this decision soon as we are pushing into late thirties.

OP posts:
Forever42 · 29/01/2023 11:26

No, 5 year olds are not equipped to make decisions like that.

GrumpyOldBastard · 29/01/2023 11:27

I don’t know why you’d even discuss this with your DD. It’s not a decision for anyone except you and your partner, particularly not a 5yo, and it might never happen. Better to wait until your DW is pregnant and then tell DD.

TeenDivided · 29/01/2023 11:28

GrumpyOldBastard · 29/01/2023 11:27

I don’t know why you’d even discuss this with your DD. It’s not a decision for anyone except you and your partner, particularly not a 5yo, and it might never happen. Better to wait until your DW is pregnant and then tell DD.

Agree.

MrsBunnyEars · 29/01/2023 11:30

Don’t even consider ‘convincing’ a five year old, that’s madness.

If it’s right for you both, then do it. Bluntly, very few older children do like the idea of sharing their parents, but they have to get used to it.

Also, what on earth would you do if you did ‘convince’ her but then no baby arrived?

snowlolo · 29/01/2023 11:31

5 year olds do not have the level of insight or life experience to decide whether or not they would like a sibling for the rest of their lives.

It's great that you care about how she will cope emotionally etc. but you are giving her too much control over a decision which is way ahead of her years!

Also, if she is spoilt then having a sibling could be the best thing for her.

Cattenberg · 29/01/2023 11:31

My four-year-old used to say that she didn’t want a brother or sister. Nowadays, she says she does want a sibling and has even asked if I could adopt one.

You can’t make such a big decision based on the whims of a small child.

rainylake · 29/01/2023 11:31

A small child is not in a position to make this decision and nor should they be given that type of responsibility for planning the family. They have no real concept of what is involved and what the pros and cons are. Put it the other way around - if you didn’t want another child and felt it was a bad idea for your circumstances, would you have one anyway just because your child said they wanted a baby sibling?

FWIW my DD1 didn’t want a sibling. She burst into tears and said “I don’t want it” when I told her I was pregnant. By the next day she was excited telling her friends she was going to be a big sister. She was thrilled when the baby was born, is a great sister, and being a sibling has been incredibly positive for her.

FrenchandSaunders · 29/01/2023 11:32

Your decision, nothing to do with her. Don’t mention it again, let alone try to convince her! Sounds like a sibling would do her good!

PeekAtYou · 29/01/2023 11:33

Why did you mention it to the 5 year old ?

It sounds like you could have some jealousy and rivalry issues based on the fact that dc1 is spoiled as the only grandchild but it's up to you and your wife and it sounds like you're both keen.

Swiftswatch · 29/01/2023 11:33

Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol.

This is part of the problem imo. Why are you acting like a 5 year old calls all the shots and needs to agree to anything before the rest of the family can do it? I find it weird that you are even discussing the decision making with such a young child.
A 5 year old can’t make a rational decision on a sibling. That is a decision purely for you and your wife.

poetryandwine · 29/01/2023 11:33

It isn’t fair to a five year old to give her input into a decision like this. I would say that wasn’t right to bring up the idea of a sibling with her ahead of an established pregnancy.

What did you hope to accomplish by that? From a young child’s POV, it it very likely just a longer period of anxiety to worry about being usurped, and thus to try talking mummy and daddy out of the whole idea.

I would think that being five years old and believing ypu can influence your parents to this extent would create massive insecurity. You need to know they are in charge. It also creates a false sense that others will bend inappropriately to your wishes.

PinkyFlamingo · 29/01/2023 11:34

The fact you both are even considering this tells me exactly how spoiled your DD is, you're not doing her any favours.

ChipsAndMayos · 29/01/2023 11:34

Why on earth are you consulting a 5yo about this? They have no ability to answer this sort of question. A completely unreasonable and unfair thing to do.

Best you can do now is to drop the subject completely, hope it’s forgotten then if your wife gets pregnant you can talk to your dd about it.

BuffaloCauliflower · 29/01/2023 11:34

It’s not up to them in any way and I don’t understand why it’s even been discussed with them? It’s a decision you make as a couple and I’m afraid other children just have to come along for the ride.

bellac11 · 29/01/2023 11:34

What on earth are you talking to a 5 year old about it for?

Completely inappropriate adult conversations and concepts.

pinkyredrose · 29/01/2023 11:34

I wouldn't allow a 5yr old to dictate your family size.

Fleabigg · 29/01/2023 11:34

It’s you and your partner’s decision. Entirely. Your 5 year old’s opinions don’t come into it. I hate it when people talk about “giving” their child a sibling because the child wants one - this is exactly the same.

poetryandwine · 29/01/2023 11:34

PS Of course there are fine reasons to stop at one. Not criticising the outcome!

watcherintherye · 29/01/2023 11:35

If the only reason your partner gives for not having another child is that your 5 yr old doesn’t want a sibling, YANBU. Are you sure, though, that she’s really as keen on having another child as you are? Maybe the 5yr old’s reluctance is reinforcing your dw’s reluctance, only she doesn’t want to frame it in those terms.

CatJumperTwat · 29/01/2023 11:36

It sounds like your wife really doesn't want another pregnancy and is using any excuse she can because she feels pressured.

Stationsofthecross · 29/01/2023 11:36

😵‍💫 are you two seriously asking your 5 year old child if you should have another child?! This is a wind up surely. This isn’t serious.

DuplicateUserName · 29/01/2023 11:36

Christ, do you run every potential adult decision past the child of the house before making them?

Ridiculous.

TheChosenTwo · 29/01/2023 11:36

5 year olds make decisions like what do I want in my sandwich today or what cartoon are we going to watch now.
In my world they don’t make huge life decisions, they just aren’t consulted.

Whatmarbles · 29/01/2023 11:37

Absolutely chuff all to do with your 5 year old daughter.

Does she hold you to ransom on other major decisions?

Reugny · 29/01/2023 11:38

YABU to ask a 5 year olds opinion.

Whether you end up with siblings or not is up to your parents.

I also agree with a PP if your wife doesn't want to have another child then leave it.

There are plenty of women who don't want to have more than one child for various reasons.