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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

not having another child because of first child's reluctance to have a sibling

119 replies

ozymandias2 · 29/01/2023 11:22

Hello,
We currently have a 5 year old (slightly traumatic history as she was premature and DW had quite bad hyperemesis during pregnancy). DD is now healthy with no issues. I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

However, 5 year old DD seems totally against the idea and gets very emotional and sad at even the prospect of talking about it. DW is now in two minds due to DD's reactions on these discussions.

I personally think we should just get on and have another one, as DD will just have to get used to it as that's life? AIBU? Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol. Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally. Have to make this decision soon as we are pushing into late thirties.

OP posts:
Fairysilver · 29/01/2023 11:38

I remember DS2 sobbing and begging me for a baby brother but it didn't occur to me to make him part of the decision making process.
Your DD may change her mind or she may not. A 5/6 year gap can be difficult as the siblings are so far apart in age they will never be going through the same stage at the same time.

WaltzingWaters · 29/01/2023 11:39

It’s not something you should discuss with your DD until your DW is actually pregnant. It’s not a decision for her to make, or have any input in.
if your DW and you both want another baby then go for it.

maeveiscurious · 29/01/2023 11:40

5 year olds don't have reasoning skills

Madeintowerhamlets · 29/01/2023 11:40

CatJumperTwat · 29/01/2023 11:36

It sounds like your wife really doesn't want another pregnancy and is using any excuse she can because she feels pressured.

This came across for me too. Especially the line in the first paragraph where you say ‘I’ want another child. How hands on are you as a parent? How much more of the burden of care of having a 2nd would fall to your wife?

gogohmm · 29/01/2023 11:40

Doesn't get a say, end of

sammylady37 · 29/01/2023 11:41

PinkyFlamingo · 29/01/2023 11:34

The fact you both are even considering this tells me exactly how spoiled your DD is, you're not doing her any favours.

This, in spades.
I feel sorry for the poor kid, she is being failed by her indulgent parents here.

Justmuddlingalong · 29/01/2023 11:41

My mind boggles at the thought of children giving input into big family decisions. Whether or not to have another child, move home, get a pet etc are all the choices of the adults. 5 year olds should be deciding what filling they have on a baked potato, not the number of kids their DParents have.

Mariposista · 29/01/2023 11:42

No way should a 5 year old have any say in your family planning!
however I would be concerned about your wife’s health while pregnant. Some women have a terrible time and would you want to out her through that when you already have a healthy child?

Barleysugar86 · 29/01/2023 11:45

Things my five year old currently wants:
To move house (our house is boring)
To stop going to school
To be be allowed to use his dinosaur stamper to decorate the walls of his bedroom
To eat chocolate for breakfast

No. I don't think you should factor their decision making into yours on this. Incidentally he was unsure when I was pregnant but now loves his little sister SO MUCH it warms my heart.

Fleabigg · 29/01/2023 11:46

CatJumperTwat · 29/01/2023 11:36

It sounds like your wife really doesn't want another pregnancy and is using any excuse she can because she feels pressured.

This!

emptythelitterbox · 29/01/2023 11:47

Stop talking about adult things with a 5 year old and ffs both of you take a parenting and child development course.

carmenitapink · 29/01/2023 11:47

What a ridiculous post.

Some people have their child ruling their life!

Why would you discuss it with a 5yo?!

bellac11 · 29/01/2023 11:47

sammylady37 · 29/01/2023 11:41

This, in spades.
I feel sorry for the poor kid, she is being failed by her indulgent parents here.

Show quote history

Its emotionally harmful to present something like this to a child of that age

God knows what other choices and decisions they are putting to the child. Hugely damaging.

carmenitapink · 29/01/2023 11:47

PinkyFlamingo · 29/01/2023 11:34

The fact you both are even considering this tells me exactly how spoiled your DD is, you're not doing her any favours.

This!

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/01/2023 11:47

FrenchandSaunders · Today 11:32
Your decision, nothing to do with her. Don’t mention it again, let alone try to convince her! Sounds like a sibling would do her good!“

This. Does your 5 year old have the final say on all big, life-changing decisions?

Riverlee · 29/01/2023 11:48

Is the five year going to dictate all the decisions in your household?

Redebs · 29/01/2023 11:49

You don't ask five year olds about this kind of issue. You can let her know a few months before the baby is due.

FrownedUpon · 29/01/2023 11:49

What? It’s not your daughters decision. There’d be very few babies born if we all asked our other children if they wanted a sibling.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 11:49

You don’t take a 5 yo’s opinion into account for anything more important than “shall we have scrambled or poached eggs”, or something of that nature (not meant as an egg/ pregnancy pun, just eating eggs)

You wouldn’t have a child just because they did wanted a sibling, I’d hope. And the opposite is also true.

It’s about how your wife feels predominantly. She’s the one who had hyperemesis. I didn’t like the way you said it was originally “cited” as a reason, as though it’s not really good enough. Also the casual throwing in of surrogates also suggests you don’t take seriously the burdens of pregnancy and the profound effects it has on someone.

You don’t say if your a man or a same sex couple but either way you’re not taking it seriously enough.

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 11:50

Imagining the convo with a teen / young person who would have liked a sibling - well we didn’t because when you were 5 you said no. She would think you were mental

Faz469 · 29/01/2023 11:53

I have a 10 year old stepson and when we were first introduced he was against me moving in with his father, we moved in together when the time was right for us.

Then we discussed getting engaged with him and he was against that "because getting married means more babies." We got engaged and involved him in the proposal. He was fine.

2 years down the line from us meeting I'm pregnant and he's happy as he has another chance of getting a baby brother (all his other siblings are sisters).

Children are adaptable when they don't really have a choice. Give them a choice and they will always opt for things not changing lol.

I say go for it.

Rainbowshit · 29/01/2023 11:55

Agree with others. Sounds like a sibling would do her good. A 5 year old is not equipped to make such decisions

anomaly23 · 29/01/2023 11:56

Why do you need to convince your 5 year old? Who is the parent here.

I had severe hg with my first pregnancy and nothing at all with my second. I wasn't sick once.

WarningToTheCurious · 29/01/2023 11:58

We have a 7 yr age gap - DC2 was the best thing to happen to DC1 (not that they had any say in the matter). A big age gap is fine, plus DC1 loved being able to help with the new baby.

But your DW needs to really want a DC2. It’s a conversation for you and her and not with DD.

Shopper727 · 29/01/2023 12:00

For goodness sake she’s 5. If you want another baby have one, be a United family spend time with your daughter and teach her to be gentle and caring not spoilt, don’t indulge her in adult conversions and decisions I see that a lot of only children and it’s not fair they grow up fast enough without us treating them like mini adults. Your wife sounds like she had a tough time last time so hopefully you’re involved and hands on with dd as you might need to take on more if your wife is unwell again.