not having another child because of first child's reluctance to have a sibling

[ozymandias2]

Hello,
We currently have a 5 year old (slightly traumatic history as she was premature and DW had quite bad hyperemesis during pregnancy). DD is now healthy with no issues. I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

However, 5 year old DD seems totally against the idea and gets very emotional and sad at even the prospect of talking about it. DW is now in two minds due to DD's reactions on these discussions.

I personally think we should just get on and have another one, as DD will just have to get used to it as that's life? AIBU? Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol. Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally. Have to make this decision soon as we are pushing into late thirties.

Frankly I think it’s insane to base the huge decision of whether or not to have a child on the opinion of a 5 year old.

Don't involve your children in adult choices.

You can't curate the world for your daughter. She will come up against things she didn't choose and doesn't like. All you can do is show her how to cope, support her through changes and demonstrate adaptability and resilience.

It is a decision for adults, not a spoilt 5 year old brat who obviously rules the roost if you’re even asking this 🙄

Ridiculous

It is a decision for adults, not a spoilt 5 year old brat who obviously rules the roost if you’re even asking this

What an awful way of talking about a child. It's perfectly normal for a child to be a bit upset about the idea of a sibling.

@Hesma Being slightly upset at the idea of a sibling makes a child a spoilt brat?

Also, even if she is spoiled that's the fault of the parents, not her.

This small child s probably very upset because they have been given an adult decision to make when they are in no way equipped to deal with it. Utter madness.

do you ask for your 5yo’s input on remortgaging too?

YABU to decide not to biased on what your 5 y/o says.
It's completely up to you and your wife.

What if they didn't want to eat fruit and veg. Would you follow their lead on this?

sounds as if she needs the experience of not getting her own way all the time.

Eh? Why does it matter what the 5yr old thinks? I remember being slightly upset/concerned when I was told I was having a sibling - that’s a totally normal reaction from a child. I was younger than your 5yr old. The longer you leave it, the more ‘unusual’ it will seem to your DD. If you want one, have one.

You don't discuss such things with a 5 year old. You make that decision yourselves. You then inform her that mum is pregnant. End of.

And to add, when I was 5yrs old, if my parents had asked my opinion, I’d have told them my sibling didn’t need any Xmas presents; didn’t want his share of the chocolate cake, etc, and no, thanks I didn’t want to go to school, I’d learn more staying home and playing!

This is why you don’t ask a 5yr old! However mature they are for their age, they won’t be able to look to the future or see the full picture.

By the time you conceive and your DW goes through 9 months of pregnancy your DD will be another year older (longer if you don't conceive straight away) and will have forgotten all about this conversation. Also DD will be at school for a lot of the time. Don't discuss any further with your DD, you and DW need to decide between you.

If I came to realise as an adult that something I'd said as a 5yr old stopped my parents having a wanted further child, I'd be pretty angry (not for the lack of sibling, but for the responsibility having being put in appropriately on my shoulders). How uncontaining would it be for a child to come to this conclusion, say in a few years time? She's supposed to learn her feelings are manageable, not so big that adults have to bow down to them.

Spoiling a child and turning them into a tyrant isn't cute and its not doing your child any favours. Are you doing anything to put that right?

I voted yabu for discussing this with a 5 year old.

Of course it's a huge decision for your dw. I can understand her not wanting to go through that again.

5 year olds don’t make those decisions, adults do. You present it to her as a fait accompli when it’s happening

You don't need to convince your child, you do what you want and she gets used to it because she doesn't get to make those decisions!!

You're asking a 5 year old their opinion on whether to bring a new life into this world or not? That's really unfair on you to do this.

Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally

This would only make me more inclined to do it tbh. Having another child to compromise with will do her good.

Also every (adult) only child I know wishes they had siblings

Seriously you're letting a child make this decision?
You're letting this madam rule the roost and you'll regret it.
Bring her in line now

Yeah weird to run major life issue/adult decisions past a 5yo imo