not having another child because of first child's reluctance to have a sibling

[ozymandias2]

Hello,
We currently have a 5 year old (slightly traumatic history as she was premature and DW had quite bad hyperemesis during pregnancy). DD is now healthy with no issues. I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

However, 5 year old DD seems totally against the idea and gets very emotional and sad at even the prospect of talking about it. DW is now in two minds due to DD's reactions on these discussions.

I personally think we should just get on and have another one, as DD will just have to get used to it as that's life? AIBU? Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol. Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally. Have to make this decision soon as we are pushing into late thirties.

YABU.

It's not something that you discuss with your child.

Your wife however is signalling heavily that she doesn't want another baby. You seem to keep pushing on this, including talking about surrogacy, and she uses the excuse of your daughter not wanting a sibling.

Your response is to see how you can persuade your daughter.

This is about you not taking no for an answer and your wife trying to tell you this, but she's doesn't feel able to say an absolute no.

You aren't listening to your wife and your wife doesn't feel she can be fully honest about this because you keep pushing.

You have a communication issue that's fuck all to do with your daughter.

I don't think you adequately respect not appreciate how your wife feels here if I'm honest.

The red bunting is out with this out.

My then 5yo was devastated when I told him I was pregnant with DC2. Very reasonable response. But not remotely his decision. On balance, years later, I think his life is improved by having a sibling. For me this is in a similar category to young children and medicine, tooth-brushing, eating a vaguely healthy diet etc - they don't have enough understanding to make those decisions.

This blows my mind that you’ve even ‘asked her permission’!

Very strange to even consult a 5yo in the decision making process! Her opinion is irrelevant. It's solely down to your wife and you.

YABU to try and place any portion of the decision-making around this into the shoulders of a 5 year old. And "trying to convince" her just gives her the false illusion of control and responsibility for a grown up decision.

I think you are a bit potty to discuss such events with a child. How can she possibly find you her opinion on this shes 5! Stop loading her with adult issues snd do wish you want

I think the child is being used by both parents to try and manipulate because the parents aren't able to discuss this directly because they are at such opposite ends of the argument.

It's disturbing to me.

And it does sound like 'no I do not wish to have another baby' isn't being respected.

Things many five year olds are against - broccoli, bed time, face washing, putting on socks, coats, boots, being looked at, not being looked at, etc etc.

Things many five year olds are in favour of - ice cream for breakfast lunch and dinner, going out with their pants on their heads, watching tv all day etc etc.

Things you do NOT consult your five year old about - any adult decision on life like whether to have another child or move house or even go to the supermarket today or tomorrow or whether to go on holiday this year.

You're the adult, right? Right? Sheesh.

What the hell did I just read? Do you run every adult decision by your 5 year old first?

I accidentally voted YABU because you're negotiating on massive life decisions with a 5yo.

I mean, that's madness.

But changed it to YANBU to have another child against her (current) wishes.

If your wife doesn't want another child then that's it. YABU

Echoing every other post on here but the OP is madness.

Discussing whether or not to have another child with a FIVE year old is not fair on anyone and suggests she has way too much power in your home.

I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

It really does read like you've always wanted another child, DW had a very traumatic pregnancy and doesn't want to put herself through that again, and she's been toying with the idea of doing it anyway to keep you happy, but she's not 100% on board. Probably because deep down she knows she doesn't actually want to do it.

You might not have tried to put pressure on her (it's easy to get carried away with something exciting), but I think you should be gently reminding your DW that you're delighted being a parent of one, and whilst you would be happy having another child, you wouldn't feel any less complete, and the final decision is 100% hers. Not your existing children's decision and not your decision - it's hers.

I think your existing child's feelings are a red herring. It's really about your DW.

5 year olds should not be consulted on big life changing decisions like this. You are raising a spoilt brat and that's your fault not hers.

I don't think the 5 year old should have been consulted at all. I've never heard of anybody doing this. You have now made it a problem.

I don't think it's a spoilt issue. I think it's a child being used as an chip in a long running argument that the OP won't respect their wife on.

5 year olds definitely do not get a say in life decisions.

Sounds like that to me too

You are allowing a five year old to dictate to you whether you have another baby?
If that is the case,she's right ,you should not.
There will be two children running your lives.

Yabu to give a 5 year old any say in what should be an adult discussion.

I assume very few children actually like the idea of sharing their parents attention. It's not a decision for your DD to make.

If she’s very spoilt, frankly, a sibling is exactly what she needs.

Will the 5 yr old be popping along to your FA to discuss your mortgage/pensions? lunch with your accountant? ffs 🙄

Although tbh it sounds more like you want another child and your DW doesn't and your DD is being used as a pawn in the argument.

Why are you letting a 5 year old have any say in adult decisions?

If thr child wanted mummy & daddy to stay at home all day, would you quit your jobs? Or if the child didn't want to go to school or only wanted sweets for dinner.

Seriously, this is beyond ridiculous.