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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

not having another child because of first child's reluctance to have a sibling

119 replies

ozymandias2 · 29/01/2023 11:22

Hello,
We currently have a 5 year old (slightly traumatic history as she was premature and DW had quite bad hyperemesis during pregnancy). DD is now healthy with no issues. I really want to have another child.

Initially the hyperemesis / difficult pregnancy were reasons DW cited not to have another one (perfectly reasonable reasons). We had briefly discussed surrogacy but as regulated paid surrogacy is not an option where we live, we decided not to go that route. That being said, DW recently decided she wants to have another one via the conventional route.

However, 5 year old DD seems totally against the idea and gets very emotional and sad at even the prospect of talking about it. DW is now in two minds due to DD's reactions on these discussions.

I personally think we should just get on and have another one, as DD will just have to get used to it as that's life? AIBU? Any tips on convincing a 5 year old ? lol. Part of the problem is she is the first and only grandchild on both our sides and is very spoilt emotionally. Have to make this decision soon as we are pushing into late thirties.

OP posts:

TheaBrandt · 29/01/2023 15:50

Too much for a child that age. I remember some friends of my parents insisting that something I had done as a toddler had irrevocably changed their Dd into a right pain 🙄. Remember feeling confused and aggrieved as a child that something this big had been put onto me by adults. I could t even remember it and was generally a “good” girl so god knows what it was!

Butchyrestingface · 29/01/2023 15:54

This reminds me of Home and Away, where Pippa and whatever husband she hadn't managed to kill off yet, used to sit the kids round the dining table and ask for opinions on whether they'd be okay with Pippa having another baby.

As if.

ThreeblackCats · 29/01/2023 16:02

If you are letting your 5year old dictate how you two adults live, you’ve got much bigger problems than whether to try for another child!
I don’t think I’ve ever heard such nonsense about parenting, truely I haven’t.

londonrach · 29/01/2023 16:05

Why five year old even know this. They a child. You and your DW decide family size.

Gymnopedie · 29/01/2023 16:07

Discussing the acceptability or otherwise of this with a 5yo is madness. She's potentially going to grow up believing that the world revolves around what she does or doesn't want.

Even worse is that she's said she doesn't want another baby in the family. If PPs are right, and your DW is using this to avoid another pregnancy, then she's going to believe you listened to her and didn't because she said so.

Please, by all means give her the choice (out of two) of what shoes she's going to wear but fgs don't ever ask her how she feels about you moving house.

1FootInTheRave · 29/01/2023 16:08

You're creating a monster with your child.

I know a family with a 6 year old that sounds very similar to your story. This child is beyond hideous. All down to being utterly pandered to. It's that bad that other kids dislike her and other families won't socialise with them.

PinkPantherPaws · 29/01/2023 16:14

You don't discuss such things with a 5 year old. You make that decision yourselves. You then inform her that mum is pregnant. End of

This with bells on.

EllieEllie · 29/01/2023 16:23

Agree with everyone else, this is a really weird thing to consult a child about. You need to stop acting like she’s the centre of the universe or she’s going to turn into a nightmare. If you both want another baby, start trying. It might or might not happen. If it happens, tell her it’s happening. That’s it.

Spanielsarepainless · 29/01/2023 16:44

Don't consult a five year old about your decisions. All older siblings loved being the only one, and often the first grandchild, but it was none of my business when my mother was expecting my sister. Get on and multiply!

daisytumble · 29/01/2023 17:16

She will get used to it!

strawberry2017 · 29/01/2023 17:23

It's a decision for the grown ups not the child.

SpaceMonitor · 29/01/2023 17:23

YABU for even involving a 5 year old in the conversation. If you don’t plan to take their advice, then don’t ask for it.

UserNameSameGame · 29/01/2023 17:25

Hugely unfair to your daughter to involve her in this decision!

Imagine you don’t go ahead, and when she gets older she feels (as many single children do) that it would have been nice to have a sibling. She will blame herself for not having one.

conversely

Imagine you do go ahead, and when she gets older she feels (as many people with siblings do) that things would have worked out better for her had she been an only child. She will blame herself for wanting that sibling.

So many other scenarios but hardly any of them positive for your daughter if you allow her to feel part of this decision.

jannier · 29/01/2023 17:29

Try for baby then to your 5 year old....after initial few months....your going to be a big brother/sister.....loads of how proud you are of them, how grown up, how exciting now they are big they can do so much mores and get on with it.

mistermagpie · 29/01/2023 17:40

Why even tell them? I had my three children close together so the eldest was only 4.5 when the youngest was born, but even so, I wouldn't have told them we were planning a baby and didn't tell them I was pregnant until I had a very obvious bump. I just don't see the point.

My middle child is now five and isn't that thrilled about his little sister (she's a threenager now and really hard work so I don't blame him!), I know for a fact that if we asked if he'd like another younger sibling he would say no. But it wouldn't be up to him, five year olds don't get to make that sort of decision.

My advice would be to try and see if it happens. If you get pregnant then tell the child as late as you can, 40 weeks is a hell of a long time for a small child so the less time they have to wait and worry the better. But do what's right for the family, as determined by the adults in it, not by a five year old.

Remmy123 · 29/01/2023 17:42

If you allow a 5 year old to dictate then your fucked

Original poster

ozymandias2 · 29/01/2023 19:11

thanks for the responses. just to clarify , I totally don't think it has anything to do with DD. My question was AIBU to discredit my wife's worries about our DD being difficult about it as I totally agree it has no relevance. Just to say my DD doesn't in general behave like a spoilt brat at all, and is never spoilt by us personally (only by grandparents who help with childcare a lot as we both have busy jobs).

OP posts:

ChrisPPancake · 29/01/2023 19:46

Dc1 begged for a sibling. We had another dc when dc1 was 6. I think it was around 14 months when they declared "I've changed my mind now"
Needless to say, they're both still here! And they get on pretty well.

Whitewolf2 · 29/01/2023 20:24

Your wife might be feeling more that it will impact on your ability to focus on your older child.
Or she might be using it as an excuse and she’s re-thinking the impact on her another baby would have. Starting again with a baby is a big change to lifestyle when you have started getting a lot more time back for yourself.

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