Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

I'm so stumped by some people on this thread. Grieving doesn't mean everyone else has to revolve around you for ever. It simply can't.

We are all hearing this biased by our own experiences, and of course no one thinks she should stop being sad or grieving within 18 months. There's a huge difference though between tearing up at odd moments, and expecting the household to sit respectfully and watch you cry all day.

It still hasn't occurred to DM to ask any of her DC how they are, after DF died. We are constantly berated for not grieving 'correctly'. She bitterly resents not being the number one priority in someone's life- ie that we have to work around our spouse and children as well as her.
I spend half my annual leave with her, but that's not enough.

Driving- apparently as I can't do 6 hour return trip in a day, and it's a rush even with an overnight stay, I should stay longer every time I fetch and deliver her. Or two of us take a day off work and share the driving on the same day. It's unsustainable.

OP, try pointing out it's a marathon not a race, and you and DH need to pace yourselves so that your annual leave and energy last.

Why do posters keep rehashing the train question? Can they not read the thread? It's been asked and answered lots of times. 🙄

Poor bloody woman. She’s lost her world and her future. The grief of a son with his own wife, family and job is in no way comparable to the grief of losing your life partner of several decades. It’s not as if he was particularly old so she’s lost their (probably) much anticipated retirement too. And it’s only been 18 months - no time at all.

I think, if they're good friends, she'll talk to them in exactly the same way.

When you're next all together, can you get Cruse, or that other forum up and look at it together? Something may catch her eye and she'll realise that they are helpful

@bloodywhitecat I could have written this too ‘“was widowed almost a year ago and I am in no way ready to move out of my home either. Every day that passes feels like I am leaving DH further and further behind, I can't even bring myself to call him my 'late' DH because, to me, he's not. I am not ready for groups yet either. And I do want to rehash his last days over and over because I think I have some kind of trauma over how he died but I don't because I guess it's not socially acceptable. Life feels like constantly wading through treacle and I have no desire to wake up most days”

I’m in exactly the same boat, my husband died very suddenly last year. I got in from seeing a friend and then my phone started ringing, it was a paramedic telling me what no one ever wants to hear, and 24 hours later, he was dead. No amount of counselling has helped that reality. That future of growing old together, all those shared snippets of joys,worries, jokes and acts of love that you can no longer share, gone, forever, in a phone call.

@turquoisepenguin you really do sound intensely clueless and very self centred, or more kindly, perhaps you just you lack the imagination to walk in her shoes.

It's is perfectly normal the MIL is in a terrible place emotionally. The second year of loss is considerably harder than the first. Yes, MIL is being a pain about the train, but perhaps she is feeling vulnerable. She actually brave to go away, when grieving.
A person who has not experienced loss of a loved one, in their life is very luckly.
Personally, I don't believe grief goes. I goes with you into your new life.

I suggest. that MIL joins the Sue Ryder Forum. She'll find some comfort from
those who are going through the same thing. I can't recommend the forum enough.

Not everyone working full time could just snap back into working after the death of a spouse. If severe clinical depression sets in there is no way they could return. These people go off sick, the same way as anyone else with an illness does.

1. It reminds her that she never had to do it when her husband was alive 2)It's less time spent with someone - she travels alone 3)It's something she's got to organise and do when perhaps she doesn't feel she can face it 4)She might have been 'helpless' in her marriage and now she can't be

I agree, it's not an unreasonable expectation for her to use the train, but she obviously doesn't look at it the same

Two hours! People in my area do that twice a day to commute to and from work. She is grieving, but she does sound very punishing to be around. You have to protect your own mental health and that of your family. YANBU.

If I was nothing but rude and spiteful towards them in their own home when they were trying to help me then I shouldn't be surprised if they DID want to abandon me surely 🤷

Her son is grieving and it should be acknowledged

But there is no comparison (even though it's not a competition) between losing a parent and losing a spouse

You aren't a bad person for feeling the way you do but 18months is no time at all and 65 is far too young to become a widow IMO
My mum has been gone almost 3 years and it still hurts as much as day 1, I can't imagine it ever not doing

My DF died 5 years ago, still miss him dreadfully but life goes on. We moved DM closer to us after about 6 months, she was 20 years older than your DM though. Before she moved she visited me and also had a trip to a friend on a train. She hadn’t been on a train for ages before, but with guidance she managed it. She didn’t want to be completely dependent on us doing everything for her. You can get assistance at train stations if you need it.

She is 64, the train should not be that daunting.

In respect of everything reminding her of your FIL, DS is currently looking at universities. One of them is the same one as DF went to and similar course. If he goes there, I know I will shed a tear for the fact DF is not here to see him there, but this is my grief, there will need to be also happiness and pride for DS (desperately also ignoring the dreaded feeling of empty nest!) I cannot spoil DS’s experience with my grief

You do have to acknowledge she is grieving but you can also talk to her. Tell her that her behaviour about the train and the stonewalling isn't fair and tell her how it made you both feel-that you considered not inviting her again soon. Grief is like poor mental health in some ways-it must be considered but isn't an excuse for shitty behaviour.

I came on earlier to say this about the train - DH can't keep driving her up and back with kids and a job!

you really do sound intensely clueless and very self centred, or more kindly, perhaps you just you lack the imagination to walk in her shoes.

I think this is very unfair. Her MIL's grief will indeed be dreadful but no-one is a saint who can just sublimate their own feelings and reactions for someone else's sake indefinately.

OP, you have my sympathy.

I think the train is a very reasonable solution and two hours is nothing of a journey.

Her ignoring you both for 24 hours as a response is a level of petulance that coupled with her general rudeness is not acceptable.

You have a lot on your plate and in your case you need to mind yourself.

Tell your husband to visit her and I think a bit of push back is not unreasonable.

Of course she is grieving but her grief is not carte blanche to upset everyone, confuse her grandchildren and generally think she is the only person grieving.

Grief is truly dreadful but there is unfortunately a type of person who can really exacerbate the suffering of those around them by their behaviour.

I don't think that is reasonable nor acceptable.

Better to leave her to herself if she can only be rude and unpleasant to be around when she visits.

Harsh perhaps but realistic IMO.

I think your husband should address it with her so that she has a chance to cop on a bit.

If she chooses to cut him off for a bit, so be it.

Her current behaviour is souring relations and she needs to know this.

It's not the sadness, its the rude behaviour which grief doesnt excuse.

It's not just her grief. She's 64, not 94. She's healthy, not infirm. It is horrible to stonewall and punish her son and daughter-in-law, creating an atmosphere the children don't understand, because she had to catch a train instead of the son going on a 6 hour drive.

This. The OP is confusing depression with grief, and they are very different. I lost my first husband very suddenly to a late cancer diagnosis and one of the things that really flabbergasted me was that after the funeral, people seemed to expect me to ‘get over it’. From personal experience, you don’t ‘get over’ losing the love of your life. You learn to live with it and you learn to handle the grief that washes over you for no reason - and still does on the anniversary even several years later, and despite the fact that I am happily remarried. After eighteen months I had just put my head above the parapet and was taking my first shaky steps to forced independence. You have to understand that your MIL hasn’t just lost her partner, she’s lost the life she had, and she has no choice but to build a new one. Finding the courage to do that takes time, and suggesting counselling or support groups won’t be of any help until she’s ready to join any of them - which she’s clearly not at the moment, so won’t get any benefit from them.

What I do think would help is a previous suggestion of the online support group WayUp. It’s different because it doesn’t require much effort - it’s an online forum and people are at various stages of bereavement, so theres help and insight from many points of view. It also doesn’t require much effort to participate - you don’t need to meet people face to face until you’re ready, and you don’t even need to leave the house. I found that I became quite agoraphobic after my husband died, and I found out later via counselling that this is quite common. This might be what is putting her off, so WayUp might just offer that first step.

You need to be supportive. It’s really hard being around someone who is grieving. I lost a couple of people who I thought were goods friends because they couldn’t handle being around me and I felt so abandoned by them that it ruined the friendships. MIL will have a short fuse, and will be unpleasant at times - it’s natural. Give her a break and remember that she’s been through just about the worst life changing event that any of us can imagine, and she will deal with it on her own timeline, not yours. Trust me when I tell you that no one knows how they will deal with it until it happens to them. Unfortunately you never think it will.

It’s not because she had to catch a train. It’s the perceived change in that her son used to pick her up and drive her, but that’s changed since she lost her husband. It’s a symptom of the grief.

This ^

Punishing them by refusing to speak to them for 24 hours is a grief symptom?

It’s not intended rude behaviour, it’s as a result of grief, so there’s nothing to excuse.

But she has to realise her son works, he can’t keep taking time off to go and pick her up. Especially when there is a train available