Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

The train journey is 2 hrs and MIL is 64.

Treating a not elderly healthy person as if they are an octogenarian by not encouraging them to do a fairly small trip, and instead making a DF with a young family do a twice as long journey seems bizarre.

There is empathising and allowing people to grieve, and there is mollycoddling which will likely reduce her independence or desire to be independent even further.

Was this recent visit a helpful or supportive (or positive in any way) experience for either your MIL or your DH? It doesn’t sound like it was. March is not very far away - will it be a different experience in any way by then? What might the same repeated experience do for their relationship and for their own MH.

It sounds like it might be better for everyone to postpone it until later in spring - the weather might be better so easier to get out of the house and sometimes that seasonal change also helps lift the spirits. (This time of year everyone can be a bit under par anyway, which doesn’t help the situation.)

In the meantime send drawings by the children and simple thoughtful messages telling her you are thinking of her. Plan some nice little events for when she is coming to visit and let her know about it. (Maybe lots of unplanned time in the house isn’t so good, so think very carefully in advance about what you can do.) Think also about the length of visit. Maybe a long weekend that is carefully planned with some nice events is better for both sides than a longer period of time.

(On a separate note your DH needs to be very clear in advance about why the two hour train journey is a far better solution that a six hour round car trip by him - and stick to it / simply repeat his reasons if she complains. )

Great point. Wonder if that would be a wake up call for her.

OK so it is different but he could be feeling it more, his grief could actually be worse but you are constantly implying the loss of a partner is worse, the reality of grief when you have young children is you don't have the luxury of sitting doing nothing or being rude because you have to get on with it. What you have experienced is the loss of your partner and the loss of your parent, that is no way means you know how these people feel however much you seem to think you can judge.

People make all sorts of assumptions based on their own experiences, earlier on it was mentioned that losing a parent when you are a child is worse than when you are an adult, my experience was totally different and I was much worse when I lost a parent when I was in my late 40s than I was when I lost a parent when I was a child. That doesn't make me right, it was just how I was. I'm not unique as my husband also lost a parent when he was a very young child and he has no memory of it.

The fact is if this lady continues as she is she will alienate her son and family. No one has to actually 'get over' the death of anyone , I'm sure many don't really ever get over the death of a much loved spouse -but it isn't helping her son either by not even availing herself of any help out there , show pleasure in your son and family or making a different kind of life as sad as it is- I actually think it's quite selfish behaviour and I don't think her husband would have wanted this either.

I don't think her husband would have wanted this either.

Being dead, that’s of no consequence. I bet he’d rather have had this than her copping off with someone else inside six months like the paragon of.virtue we’ve been invited to admire earlier in the thread.

@ancientgran Most people do not spend hours every day with a parent. That is the difference. If your parent lives with you it is different. But for me my parents dying has been devastating, but the routine of my daily life remains unchanged. If my DH died it would totally change my daily life. That is the difference.

Yeah it does feel strange being asked to admire someone who had a new partner six months after their spouse had died.

Bearing in mind, pp said they were already in a 'serious' relationship at 6 months post death😱

I know I'd be dead, but I'd be fuming if that was my husband!

I’d come back and haunt the bastard. The lack of respect is breathtaking.

@Blossomtoes you really think he would have wanted her sitting there crying every day 18 months on, not getting on with her life, too scared to go on a 2 hour train journey?

When I have a wobble (5 years after the death of my DF) I can imagine his voice telling me to pull myself together and life is for living. He didn’t want a large funeral or flowers or any fuss. And he certainly wouldn’t have wanted me to put my whole life on hold after he died and I’m sure DH wouldn’t either.

A friend of mine lost her DH and then met someone 8 months later. She worried what people would think, but then said what would happen if she let him go and then never met anyone else.

@Crikeyalmighty

Still picking the scab this morning by returning to this thread even though I've dragged myself into my shop and am metaphorically slapping myself into being a functional human, and while I can grudgingly agree with some of what you've said, I do want to address the bit about what the MILs late DH may or may not have wanted.

One of the most intrusive, and, in my personal opinion, offensive things I have had to deal with us well meaning people expressing what they imagine my DP would be thinking, feeling, expecting or wanting for me from "the great beyond". And I really hope no-one has expressed this often to the MIL who is the subject of this thread.

Because it doesn't comfort, it doesn't motivate - it adds another layer of guilt and shame to the complex feelings being experienced, and it smacks of appropriation of your person by others. Not only do you feel you are letting yourself down, and everyone else, but also the person who can no longer speak for themselves when what may indeed help is to hear the reassurance and encouragement from them - but it's impossible because they are dead.

There has been a lot of judgement on this thread about the level of enmeshment between couples and how one should guard one's independence in case of sudden changes in circumstances. If you have a close and long standing and essentially happy relationship, you don't have emotional independence, again in my opinion. And a sudden unexpected death feels like an amputation. The phantom limb cannot be ignored and while one tries to adjust, playing nicely with others is surreal.

I looked up the definition of traumatic grief on the Cruse website. I tick every box and the MIL probably does too. Yes, it advises seeking help and counselling etc etc - but a big part of this process is lack of trust in the world. Every bit of the world. Including offered or sought help.

Grief and bereavement is not a neat linear process. Even Elizabeth Kubler Ross ? Who identified the five stages of grief regrets it has been over simplified and in fact one can cycle through all five stages sometimes on an hourly basis....

If the DH needs support and guidance perhaps he can also reach out for it. Losing anyone significant is a body blow like no other. But every day, he has his wife and his children around him. His mother is alone most of the time. And you know what grief also does? It makes you mean, it makes you jealous, and it makes you fearful that you're not allowed nice things - so you push them away somewhat. It's a form of self defence.

Anyway.

Obviously needed to offload.

Hugs to the bereaved and those who try to support them. It's shit all round.

@toomuchlaundry I would not pass judgement. But I would not hold it up as something to aspire to either.

@MistressoftheDarkSide. 💐💐

@MistressoftheDarkSide Oh god I know what you mean!
I have said to DH if I die first he should do what he wants and tell everyone, its what she would have wanted.
We ended up joking about it after the death of my parents. Having a glass of wine after a day spent clearing their house. Its what they would have wanted.

I could understand meeting someone after only 8months, but surely you'd take it very slowly, no need to shout it from the roof tops or take new boyfriend or gf to a family event for example where other bereaved relatives would be.

It's these people that are engaged, living together or married within a year who I find disrespectful. A bloke on TV who had married quickly after his young wife died said 'I've got nothing to feel guilty for', no but how about showing a teeny bit of sensitivity and respect to the feelings of your kids, to your dead wife's parents and family.

It is just so insensitive as if the person lost was so replaceable by a like for like model.

I could not cope if a close relative turned up to a family event with a replacement only 8 months after their wife died. I agree sensitivity is needed.

I dunno, I still don’t totally get how any death in your 60’s is unexpected. If i get to sixty i’d consider that good innings. 60 years is a long time! My mother got ill around that age i didn’t ever think she had been taken too young, Around that age i’d started to expect that there’s the potential for something to happen even though she was generally healthy. It’s not really that young, we say that to make people feel better about ageing, but it’s not young really. I find it odd MIL would think someone in their sixties was taken too young!

How old are you? 12? Of course it’s too young these days. Average life expectancy is almost 83.

MistressOftheDarkside

Utter respect to you and what a raw and poignant post.

Right, so this will solve the pension crisis, all those people in their 60s dying as a matter of course, perfectly normal.

Except they don't and it isn't.

Dh is 60 this year and I am next year. You must be very very young to consider dying in your 60s isn't far too early.

Please don't say things like this In RL will you.

@smellyshoes81 You would think 60 is a good innings! It is not even retirement age.
When I was 20 I would have considered 60 old, but it really is not and no way old enough.

@MistressoftheDarkSide So poignant and so well written, you have summed it up perfectly for me too.

DH didn't quite make it to 60, he didn't get to retire or do all the things we wanted to do together. He didn't have a good innings. At 57 he was far too young to die.