Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

If she's not ready for counselling there's nothing you can do unfortunately. It's a step by step process. First of all she needs to realise herself she needs help, no matter how many people around her can see it and tell her, this is something she has to admit herself. Then she needs to be ready to accept help. It can take some time to find a counsellor that works for you so after the first few visits with one she might give up if they don't work for her. It will take a long time and patience is key. You can't just snap your fingers and expect her to go to and be willing and open to accept all help unfortunately!

@buffydavis

Exactly. Most people with partners end up widowed (if they don't die first.) being wholly dependent on a spouse is a) a choice, and b) a really bad choice.

The son lost his one and only dad, too.

MIL never had an issue with it, mind you she was assertive and she didn't need a ramp.

No one has said the son should try and fill the fathers shoes, that would be ridiculous. Simply that MIL is far more alone and unsupported than her son.

Very well said!!

All those saying she is refusing to get help? What difference do you think counselling will make to the natural process of grief? Do you think it will cheer her up? Or is the idea just to make her someone elses problem?

That's fair enough but she can't expect other people to accept her rudeness and to do long drives so she doesn't have to catch a train. It works both ways. No one is saying she should be a laugh a minute but sulking for 24 hrs is totally unacceptable.

I feel like I’m going to be judged for being too harsh here, but honestly don’t think that being bereaved gives you carte blanche to treat other people (who are going out of their way to host you) like shit by ignoring them because they didn’t make a 6 hour round trip to get you - how entitled is that?!

It’s very sad that her DH died, but she’s not helping herself at all at this point. She definitely needs counselling, and you don’t need to keep hosting her when she behaves like this. I do feel for her, but there comes a point where you have to choose to help yourself, or at least not treat others badly due to your own misery.

I don't think this is natural. Most people who lose their partners have to get on with their lives because they have jobs and children and caring responsibilities.

It doesn't mean they're not grieving, it means they're not weaponising it.

@ancientgran Go on any disabled forum and there are lots of complaints. I mean if you just need someone to show you where to go any staff member will do that. But when there are staff shortages they often take away the assigned person for disability support. So when you need more than any ordinary staff member can provide then it gets tricky.

I am going to step away. There is a lot of real deeply unpleasant nastiness on this thread.
I am sure I and other bereaved people are getting the message loud and clear. Grief is not welcome. Go and talk to a counsellor or anyone else about it. Don't bother us by trying to talk about the bereaved person, don't be sad, or anxious, or unconfident, or angry. Get back to normal and stfu.

Most people who lose their partners have to get on with their lives because they have jobs and children and caring responsibilities.

Most women who are widowed are too old to have any of those things.

@Clymene Her grief is perfectly natural. Yes people have to work. They muddle through and pretend to be okay while crying in the toilets. But this is not her work colleagues but her own son.

Obviously, I feel very sorry for your MIL, 18 months is not long enough to come to terms with such a major loss. Maybe she is clinically depressed too, in which case sadly, only she can come to the decision to get help for that. However, she does have a supportive family and in my view should be very grateful for what you and your husband have done/ are doing
The train issue is I feel, frankly ridiculous. I am a similar age to your MIL and frequently take a 3 hour plus journey to visit adult children. If not, I drive, which takes even longer.
I would do what a previous poster suggested and your husband could maybe visit her alone on alternate visits and keep them brief. You have to think of your children too, they must be very confused by the visits. I actually think you’ve been very supportive indeed and can fully see why you are finding this difficult.

@ancientgran I agree with you. I just notice in a lot of her posts, OP has mentioned how much she can see MIL needs counselling and that she won't go. There is an obvious frustration building there, naturally, and I just wanted to explain that while other people can see it will really benefit her, she needs to realise it herself.

I'm sorry for the loss of your FIL.

At only 18 months this seems to me like normal behaviour for a widow(er) who has lost their long-term spouse, especially unexpectedly. They are still in the acute stage of most situations reminding them how different and worse their new life is, and how different things would be if their spouse was still around.

The remark about cancer being better doeesn't surprise me at all - it is the sort of thing my widowed parent would have said especially in the first few years. Ditto the sitting around, and being sad, taking about FIL a lot.

My parent was widowed when I had turned 18, it was hard for me and my siblings at the time also of course, but while I've been able build my life and have things to look forward to, my parent's' lifes goals and dreams were all over, their hard work, sacrifices for nothing and plans for retirement have been crushed. Whereas 20+ years on they are still very depressed.

However on some level, even though she doesn't express it I believe your MIL will have appreciated the support and company, but given the level of grief and depression you describe its going to be a long time before anything "cheers them up". Sulking isn't a pleasant way of your MIL expressing her emotions, and its not nice for you or your DH but I think its symptomatic of the massive changes shes slowly having to accept.

A 2hr train journey is a huge change for someone thats always been driven most places for most of their life with their partner. Also depends on why you and DH live 3 hrs drive away? Did your PIL move away or did your DH move away from his parents? If PIL moved away from you and DH then MIL will have to take more responsibility for the long trip unfortunately. If DH moved away then its probably not helping.

I'm possibly biased but I think its too early for your MIL to be getting the train, especially if she wasn't used to taking trains or public transporrt at all. I'd be picking her up or staying over.

Who she is ignoring and treating appallingly because he asked her to get the train.

I have had a traumatic bereavement. I also refuse to go to counselling. Because I know from reading that my grief and how I feel is normal and that trying to rush it can make things worse. Counselling is helpful if you just want someone to talk to, or if your grief reaction is going on far longer than is usual. OPs MIL grief reaction is normal. You would not see it unless you are very close to someone though. But with those closest to us we tend to be more honest.

I’m in a similar situation (but many, many years on from the death). We have to visit MIL as she doesn’t travel and it takes a whole day to get there. It’s such a miserable trip and visit (no malice just honesty!). So now instead of all of us going up there every time, every time we alternate with DH going his own and me and the kids coming along usually every 3 months. It’s tough for the weekend he is away with two small kids but easier on the whole!

If this is the same OP from another thread I was on, the details seem similar, the MIL is crying the majority of the time, whether at home or when at OP's. I feel for her grieving, but this is not healthy and she needs some professional support, either in the form of counselling or medication.

If she can cope with the train, this could open up her world. If she can't face grief counselling she does need to get out from her four walls, even a short walk every day could help

I agree. Let's hope when these dickheads go through it they don't try and talk to their family about it and they reach straight out for counselling and be right as rain within 6 months like nothing happened.

No one’s saying don’t talk about the bereaved person. Counselling provides neutral ground. It’s not a case of being “bothered”
losing a parent then having your only remaining parent constantly remind you of the last days of life is horrific, it’s traumatising. The op’s husband is grieving too and yet is still expected to carry on.

'If she's not ready for counselling there's nothing you can do unfortunately. It's a step by step process. First of all she needs to realise herself she needs help, no matter how many people around her can see it and tell her, this is something she has to admit herself. Then she needs to be ready to accept help. It can take some time to find a counsellor that works for you so after the first few visits with one she might give up if they don't work for her. It will take a long time and patience is key. You can't just snap your fingers and expect her to go to and be willing and open to accept all help unfortunately!'

This! It is a process people go through, we don't get to tell them what to do and to keep their miserable faces away.

Again, I'm not condoning 'rudeness', but if she's a bit quiet and short-tempered I think her alleged loving ds should understand that. Pick her up as she's anxious catching the train, allow her quiet time and stop being selfish.

If she is rude then of course call her out on that.

@OutForBreakfast i agree (don't know if that is coming across in my posts 🙈). It was frustrating to read OP get angry because MIL won't agree to counselling. Grief is normal and counselling will only help down the road when the person is ready to be open to it and receive whatever help it might bring.

Talking about someone who has passed is normal and should be able to happen between family and friends. Unfortunately we don't know what might trigger a memory or thought of our loved ones, if that's a song or a smell or someone else passing or a picture, nobodt can help that!

I'm not sure why some posters think that those who don't think grief gives you carte blanche to behave like a dick have never lost anyone themselves.

I lost someone in traumatic circumstances in my early 20s, I have friends who've lost children or siblings or parents well before their time. None of them tried to punish other people with their loss.