Don’t want to be around bereaved MIL anymore

[turquoisepenguin]

This is probably going to make me sound like the worst person in the world but here goes.

FIL died eighteen months ago, it was quite sudden and he was relatively young (65).

MIL is now very depressed. I do feel very sorry for her because FIL was basically her whole world. She doesn’t have any other family, doesn’t have many friends, doesn’t drive, and is retired. She used to spend most of her time with FIL. So it is really sad.

She recently came to stay. This was actually my suggestion as I know she is bored and lonely and I thought it would cheer her up. Unfortunately it was a disaster. She was in a terrible mood with DH because he asked her to get the train (he used to pick her up and drive to ours but it’s a six hour round trip). So she barely spoke to him or me for the first 24 hours. She didn’t want to go out anywhere so she sat and watched daytime TV for six hours (this is not an exaggeration). She cried a lot of the time and turned most conversations round to FIL.

She is clearly depressed but won’t go to the doctor or have counselling. She is in a terrible place but she won’t accept any help and is very rude to DH. She refused to say goodbye to him, again because she was unhappy about having to get the train. At the end we were both completely exhausted and fed up and the kids were a bit confused by the whole thing.

I had suggested to DH that we should invite her to stay again in March but I’ve just said I think we should abandon that idea because I don’t think I can face it again. However, I also feel like a terrible person because she is obviously very sad. I don’t know what the answer is really. But I have my own issues with work, family illness, kids etc and I just don’t think I can face this on top.

I'm a widow and yabu

18 months is like 5 minutes.

She likely thought she would have another good 20 years together.

Try to be a little more patient.

Why doesn't DH arrange for grief counseling or group for them both. Maybe she'll go if your DH goes.

Refusing to speak to them for 24 hours? In my book, that is rude behaviour. There's being quiet and keeping to yourself and then theres refusing to speak. I'm just going by whats been posted - OP said MiL was in a terrible mood.

We're all grieving one thing or another. MIL isn't special in that regard.

It's past time for MIL to get a grip and take responsibility. OP and her also-bereaved spouse aren't professional grief counselors.

I think the problem is not the train journey itself. I think MIL is wondering what has changed if her son picked her up and drove her before her husband died, and now no longer wants to do it. A long car journey means talking, and with someone who is grieving that’s bound to be difficult. She probably realises this and is hurt that her son can’t cope with her grief. Maybe that’s the underlying reason she’s been unpleasant. No one is saying it’s easy to be around a grieving person, but if you’re making her feel unwanted as a result of your uneasiness, it’s understandable that she’s resentful.

You can book assistance at the station. My late MIL would go to the station in a taxi. A member of staff would meet her and put her on the train, show her to her prebooked seat and store her luggage. At the other end she would be met again and brought to the exit from the station where we would be waiting. It might be slightly worrying the first time but it isn't that difficult.

The helplessness about the train would drive me barmy. My - otherwise brilliant - father is almost 80 and now won't get on a train from his house to mine. It's a simple straight train. I would meet him on the platform and get a taxi home with him. Driving to pick him up and drop him home takes two hours with small children.

At 64, your MIL can 100% get a train. Her sulking is not acceptable.

Imagine in Queen Elizabeth had sulked, pouted, given silent treatment and otherwise behaved rudely after losing her love of 70 years?? At her age..

If she could smile & politely manage her duties after such a loss, others can be civil to their immediate families, at the very least.

This is a bit of both of you. MIL is rude. But you seem to have no understanding of bereavement. You complain no matter the topic she wants to talk about her husband. This is normal.
And yes your husband has lots his father, but he still has you. She only has her son and DIL who do not want to spend time with her.
I also have sympathy for her not wanting to go to counselling. It is grief she is feeling and it is natural. Counselling does not take that away.
I also understand her when she says she is not ready for a bereavement group. To go to that you have to be ready to hear others talk about their grief and that takes emotional energy she may not have.
In Victorian times people were officially in mourning for two years.
And having a partner effectively drop dead at a fairly young age is harder than a partner dying at an older age after a very long illness. In the latter scenario you miss them as much, but you also do a lot of pre grieving. Your MIL will have spent the first six months largely in shock.
When someone dies, especially younger than expected and suddenly, anger is a normal emotion. And people do not always behave well. Ricky Gervais captured this element perfectly.
I think you need to read more about the realities of grieving as your expectations are unrealistic.

You can always make yourself scarce or just not invite her again. It's up to you. However ....getting over a bereavement doesn't work to a timescale. It can take just as long as the relationship itself or she may never get over it.

Perhaps experiencing some days out with you and your family will help rather than letting her watch tv all day when she visits you. She's grieving and staying in your house so she perhaps doesn't have the confidence at the moment to suggest things to do.

Perhaps leave the next visit until the children are on school holidays so they can do some fun things with their grandmother.

No her son didn't pick her up and drive her before her husband died. The OP has said her late husband did the driving, her son was doing it for a year, he's still prepared to do it sometimes but he's a working man with children and a wife and he can't do it all the time.

She's being selfish.

What's changed is he can't take any more time off work to drive 6 hours round trip to pick her up and then the same to take her back, which he has told her. Punishing him for that - he's also lost someone important - is foul.

What utter garbage. 18 months is no time at all to be grieving for a life partner, the loss of your former life and the building of a new one. I think you’re the one who needs to get a grip !!

My mum never did either after my dad. I’m still struggling, I have a certain amount of resentment to her because I feel like I’d be a lot further on in my grief journey if I hadn’t have had to deal with the retraumatising plus my mums self absorbed behaviour.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune That is a fucking idiotic thing to say. Losing your partner who was 99 years old and after a long decline and illness, and who you did not even live in the same house as him, is very different to the OPs situation.

He may have lost someone important, but he still has his partner to turn to. Which is more that MIL has.

I wonder whether DH doesn’t want to do the pick up etc is because she will moan on at him for the entire journey? And you can’t get up and go into another room and count to ten if you are shut in the car.

Most people lose their partner at some point. Grief is terrible, but it's not an excuse to be selfish, demanding, and punishing.

Wallow ? After 18 months !! Good for you if you’ve got your life together. It takes some people a lot longer - we’re all different. And as any grief counsellor worth their salt will tell you, counselling won’t be helpful until you are willing and able to engage with it.

Exactly. Who'd want to be trapped in a car with someone so ghoulish, continually rehashing the death.

She's only 64; if she can't be responsible for her own travel I would be wondering about her mental competence. I'm nearly her age and just traveled solo to Hawaii & back, ffs.

@ancientgran You can book disabled train assistance. It is very hit and miss. I have been there at the train station trying to find a member of staff who can get a ramp into the train when the staff member who is supposed to assist us has not turned up. Some train lines are better than others, but if I wasn't confident and assertive I would not rely on the assistance.

But its not the sons job to step into his fathers role. He has his own family to take care of. Its not in the mothers best interest to become dependent on him to fill that gap either. She needs to start making a new life as painful as that is, otherwise her world will become small and bitter and angry

The grief is one thing.
The refusal to access any help is another thing.
The meanness/manipulation/sulking/cruelty to others is another thing altogether. Grief isn't a license to treat others like shit (nothing is).
I think you probably need to tell her that - that you want to support her but not at the expense of your own wellbeing.

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune Are you being deliberately nasty and goady? Or do you have your own unhealed issues?

People behave badly when their lives are turned upside down. I don't think you have specified how rude she is but if it's just been quiet and not engaging I would just tolerate it. If she's verbally abusive that is of course different.

'He used up several days of annual leave last year in order to drive her back and forth and it just couldn’t continue.'

Surely he gets days off that he could work collection around? Not every week but every few months, what is the problem. My dm is older than yours, fit and active however I know she would hate to have to use public transport, particularly in the event of df dying. Your mil is obviously anxious, it isn't always about physical fitness.

Cut her some slack. Get the kids doing things when she visits so you aren't all cooped up. If your dh supporting his dm means a couple of trips every so often and leaving her to watch the telly so what. People can be so cruel and intolerant of those struggling with their mental health.

My mum turned incredibly selfish and self absorbed for a while. However she got back on her feet and started to build a life. I used to worry so much about her. However she needed to take some responsibility to work through things. I had to tell her the phone actually worked two ways.

However the kind mum did come back once the shock had died down.