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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Carlycat · 29/01/2023 00:47

Take it. He needs to stop being a selfish bastard and do his fair share of parenting.
Fking men 😡

Justdontbejudgy · 29/01/2023 00:58

Take it or I except you might regret it. Don't waste all your previous education and training. Work keeps me sane and allows me to spend money (post bills etc) as I wish, this financial freedom is vital to me!

daretodenim · 29/01/2023 01:19

He actively chose not to contribute to your pension?!!!

Let that sink in..

^^This.

MaybeIWillFuckOffThen · 29/01/2023 08:19

Pretty obvious that "the issue" is that it suits him very well to have you financially dependent and doing all the shitwork. He's an arsehole OP.

Wallywobbles · 29/01/2023 09:24

He can pay for help in the morning if he wants it.

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 09:37

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

I don't think you need a discussion to know what the issue is. The issue is that he's an arsehole who doesn't care about your happiness or security.

billy1966 · 29/01/2023 10:19

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

This is who he is and you really don't seem to get it.

He is actively keeping you poor and dependent and unfortunately you cannot see that.

A good man would want his wife protected.

A controlling coercive one wants to keep her poor and her options limited.

Call Womens aid for a chat.

You need to protect yourself and wake up to what is clearly in front of you.

Take the job and if he doesn't IMMEDIATELY offer to top up your pension, you should be actively planning an exit.

Bottom line is he is NOT a good man.

Your bar is low that you have gone along with this.

Reach out to family and friends and tell them the truth.

napody · 29/01/2023 11:13

Please update when you have accepted the job as I feel really invested in this and worried for you. Yes there are 'always teaching jobs available' but this isn't another teaching job, it's your dream new career! Does he listen when you tell him that?

SiobhanSharpe · 29/01/2023 11:35

You don't have to do what he says, OP. The current situation clearly suits him down to the ground but equally clearly it doesn't suit you.
You've carried the load up till now but it's time for him to step up.
You're already making steps to make the new situation really quite easy for him (getting everything ready the night before, etc) so it sounds very selfish of him to object.
Please take the job, OP, I can see you will regret it massively if you don't. (it's your dream job, how often does that come along?)
And along with the regret, how will you feel about him in future if he gets his way over this?

ElspethsBreath · 29/01/2023 11:37

My mother and father faced the same decision. My father said he would financially make up for it. Thirty years on, he is controlling with money. The money is all his money. She is 75 and is out working.

Look after No 1.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/01/2023 12:04

He needs to step up for this, and he needs to pay back the shortfall in your pension whilst you were off. That’s baseline.

I don’t really see why you should get all bags ready and everything laid out the night before either. Why shouldn’t he have to do any of the thinking/ organising, but just be able to pick up the bags and go?

AnyOldThings · 29/01/2023 12:06

MuggleMe · 28/01/2023 15:41

Take it. You've taken an 8 year hit on your career and pension. It's obviously easier for him if you do everything but you'll resent him over time.

Absolutely this. Not taking it puts you at severe financial disadvantage and over time you’ll resent him massively.

flabbygoldfish · 29/01/2023 12:23

DH says the children need me at home

Well he would say that wouldn't he as it fits his agenda. How about the children gaining a positive role model of their mother going to work, and supporting the family alongside their father.

arethereanyleftatall · 29/01/2023 12:40

There's a thread running at the moment with a mother of young children checking if it's ok if she takes a job which takes her 4 times per year for 3 weeks to Dubai. Her husband is supportive. It's a unanimous yes. That is a healthy relationship, supporting each other, modelling equality to your children.

Yours is not I'm sorry to say op. Can you imagine what your husband (I won't say dh because he's not) would say to that?

Soothsayer1 · 29/01/2023 12:56

ElspethsBreath · 29/01/2023 11:37

My mother and father faced the same decision. My father said he would financially make up for it. Thirty years on, he is controlling with money. The money is all his money. She is 75 and is out working.

Look after No 1.

What a bastard 🤬
I'm seeing him as an angry red face man with very high blood pressure, I hope your mum finds some peace one day 🌈🙏💙🕊️

lyson · 29/01/2023 12:59

Shoxfordian · 28/01/2023 15:43

Take it, he’s being selfish

He would have to do everything in the mornings and afternoons, how is he being selfish?

LaLuz7 · 29/01/2023 13:02

lyson · 29/01/2023 12:59

He would have to do everything in the mornings and afternoons, how is he being selfish?

Show quote history

Uhmm you mean exactly how she did it for the past 8 years?

It's his turn, sorry.

Nice try :)

arethereanyleftatall · 29/01/2023 13:03

No @lyson
You've misread. He would do the mornings, the op would do the afternoons. The op has done it all for 8 years. They would now both be working as well as parenting. The h has flexible working. So, yes, he is exceptionally selfish.

FancyFran · 29/01/2023 16:09

I hope OP that you have accepted the job and I suspect you will start after half term. You have had wonderful support on here. Start the job first, deal with the husband later.
I posted up thread about going back to work after my second child. It does show equility within the relationship. I work a lot in Paris and it is very unusual for professional mothers not to work. The French believe work is part of you and your value, your conversation. Please don't let your DH bully you.

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 17:43

I'll get shot down in flames I am sure however it depends on financial contribution imo. If his role is paying way over and above what you will earn as a teacher and you are reaping the benefits of this, eg huge house, exotic holidays etc etc then I think he has a right to say he'd rather not have two hours of faff each morning. Solely depends on what you are both contributing financially to the equation.

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 17:47

If my scenario is correct then the discussion should be do you want to pay a nanny to deal with the kids whilst you are at work?

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 17:50

I do love the outrage on MN though which clearly comes from people who have no clue about how these issues are dealt with over a certain income level. As if most highly successful parents are spending two hours each am dressing kids, doing school run etc!!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/01/2023 17:57

I’m also a teacher, 4kids was in EXACTLY this position 5 years ago. DH won and I’ve been a SAHM ever since and wouldn’t go back into teaching now, I feel de-skilled. If you want this job, take it. You could always pay someone to take them to school if he really can’t because if work. But if he can then he should, only fair that you do 50/50 school runs. What’s the role?

Parker231 · 29/01/2023 17:59

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 17:47

If my scenario is correct then the discussion should be do you want to pay a nanny to deal with the kids whilst you are at work?

Why - the children’s father will be there to get them up, dressed, breakfast and drop offs at nursery/school

Endlesssummer2022 · 29/01/2023 18:01

I bet the update will be that the DH is trying to persuade OP to try for a 4th child to keep her at home.