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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
glowfrog · 29/01/2023 18:07

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 20:35

Such brilliant advice, thank you everyone. It’s not actually a teaching position, but it’s linked to teaching and is in school and TTO.

Kids are 7, 4 and 2, so there is a nursery drop off too (none of which I’ll be able to do as I will need to leave before 7am). However, I will put all bags out the night before, uniform all ready on hangers and I actually already do all of that.

I am so determined to take this job as I need it for me. I’m slowly being guilt tripped into staying at home for longer and DH says the children need me at home. I’ve given up so much already though.

I’ll be able to get back at 5 so can pick up from ASC. The kids will be ok, and I’m trying not to feel guilty as I know we’ll have all the holidays together.

DH says that there’s always a demand for teaching staff but I know this position is right for me now. He is piling on the pressure for me to stay at home at least until the youngest is at school, but I don’t want to do that.

We are going to have a sensible discussion about this later on and I need to get to the bottom of what his issue is.

So what WAS his reason to push you not to take this job? Because it does seem on the face of it that he just doesn't want to get involved in the childcare / morning run. Not a good look!

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 29/01/2023 18:10

Don’t listen to him

i listened and I got ill, had no SSP, not much savings and he ended up cheating and leaving.

don’t do it

MdNdD · 29/01/2023 18:13

Take it and if he can’t do the morning (can’t / won’t) then get a nanny / childminder. He can pay of course! You’ll still be better off than not taking the job. You’ll not regret working, you could regret not working…

NaturalBae · 29/01/2023 18:13

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 17:47

If my scenario is correct then the discussion should be do you want to pay a nanny to deal with the kids whilst you are at work?

No, not if the children’s Father is available and can do it.

Do you not think that he may want to spend precious time faffing about with his own children in the morning?
Creating lovely memories of being an integral and special part of his children’s school life. Being aware of their school friends, meeting their Teachers, laughing, forming bonds and creating private jokes whilst skipping along during the school run of a morning.

blondieminx · 29/01/2023 18:24

Duckingella · 28/01/2023 15:50

So to clarify he wants you to pass on your dream job because he doesn't want to actually do some parenting by getting his own children ready and off to school in the mornings?

You know he's being completely selfish,lazy and not to mention unreasonable right?

The man is a bellend.

Absolutely this with bells on!

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:26

@Parker231 because this is not how most highly successful people operate. They don't want the faff of dealing with kids before a stressful day at work, which I can totally understand. Also if you are carrying most of the household expenditure (male or female) then why should you have to if it doesn't work for you? This may or may not be the case in this situation, I don't know, but to assume that the a parent must deal with these issues is not really how things operate once a certian income level is reached, even at lower income levels people have free help ie au pairs, which I personally dislike as it is cheap labour.

Lifethroughlenses · 29/01/2023 18:28

Oh man. This sort of thread drives me bonkers. Can’t you see when you write it down how bonkers this is? They are BOTH of your kids. Tell him to step up or ship out.

Parker231 · 29/01/2023 18:29

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:26

@Parker231 because this is not how most highly successful people operate. They don't want the faff of dealing with kids before a stressful day at work, which I can totally understand. Also if you are carrying most of the household expenditure (male or female) then why should you have to if it doesn't work for you? This may or may not be the case in this situation, I don't know, but to assume that the a parent must deal with these issues is not really how things operate once a certian income level is reached, even at lower income levels people have free help ie au pairs, which I personally dislike as it is cheap labour.

DH is a doctor but did the morning routine and I did the after nursery/school . We did it because we are both their parents and work as a team.

napody · 29/01/2023 18:29

Given that the vast majority of people aren't enormously high earners I'm not sure why you're banging this drum quite so hard oaktree?
Even on the off-chance he was... OP has described this job as her dream job. Some things are worth more than being kept and spending your life enabling someone else.

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:31

@Parker231 Just because something works for you doesn't mean it is applicable to everyone else!! I would have thought this was obvious🙄

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:34

This place is completely mental 😂Good luck to anyone who actually thinks opinions on here are rational and representative of real life. What lovely relationships you must all have. I am making my partner do something he really hates even though there might be a compromise or an alternative because I think he SHOULD😂

BarbaraofSeville · 29/01/2023 18:48

If he didn't want to raise children and all that entails he shouldn't have had any.

He doesn't get to assume that the OP will just pick up all the bits he CBA with.

Emma2023 · 29/01/2023 18:55

just been discussing this with my partner.🤬 It’s 2023 why is it presumed that women will give up their jobs . Honestly pisses me off. If you want the job take it or you’ll resent him forever 😢

PoppyTries · 29/01/2023 19:02

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

I was going to write something similar, but Frrrout has put it perfectly.

Reigateforever · 29/01/2023 19:15

Ditto Frrrout

georgarina · 29/01/2023 19:27

You have to take it.

Think if the shoe were on the other foot...would he pass on his dream job so you wouldn't have to bother with the school run?

Doggate1 · 29/01/2023 19:40

Take it and get yourself a new husband. Especially before he passes his archaic views and selfishness on to your kids and then they go into the world pedalling his views…. You should never let anyone stop you doing what you want . You are a team and he needs to play his part.

Nanny0gg · 29/01/2023 20:25

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:34

This place is completely mental 😂Good luck to anyone who actually thinks opinions on here are rational and representative of real life. What lovely relationships you must all have. I am making my partner do something he really hates even though there might be a compromise or an alternative because I think he SHOULD😂

Did you read the part where the OP has no pension contributions which her husband could have paid but didn't?

Terraria · 29/01/2023 20:40

I saw this post yesterday but didn't have time to post.

I was in the same situation 6 years ago, I have 3 DCs and was offered a job that I really didn't want to miss after 10 years of being sahm.

DH was selfish, he didn't want to give up his childcare free life. I.e. he was pretty much absence mon-fri, he went to the gym/pub after work most the the week.

He was upset when I told him I wanted to work FT, we had a big fight but I refused to back down as I knew the opportunity may never come again.

I made a deal that I would arrange all the childcare so he didn't have to so I sent my kids to a childminder. It was very expensive and very tiring for a while bit it was well worth it.

DH cheated before and I was jobless at he time, I missed 10 years of pension contributions so my pension pots are too small to be able to support myself in my retirement.

I now earn enough to support myself and my kids if anything happens to my marriage, I will never encourage my children to become financially dependent to someone.

So well done and good luck OP!

Spambod · 29/01/2023 20:46

He has three kids and only has the do the morning part. Jesus it’s hardly a stretch, makes me think you do absolutely everything. Something tells me the afternoon shift for you will be stretching wellto the evening while your exhausted husband is still recovering from his one hour morning shift.

Purpl · 29/01/2023 20:54

Take it if necessary use childminder au pair or breakfast club. If part time maybe mum friends might be able to help swop runs? The kids will get older and be able to get themselves ready quicker in time.
it’s a good example to your kids to work and keep yourself a bit financially independent.
congratulations!! If it doesn’t work out Yiu can always leave …..

goinggoinggonee · 29/01/2023 20:55

Would he think twice about accepting his dream job or would it be just assumed that you'll pick up the slack? Take it!!!

CompletelyConfusedMummy · 29/01/2023 20:56

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

Totally agree with this. I gave up my job years ago due to my husband’s insistence and now find myself in a difficult position with divorce on the horizon and no savings or income. Sure I’m starting to job hunt but the large “gap” in my CV makes it more difficult to find my dream job. I should never have left my job to begin with. You need your financial independence…trust me. If this is your dream job, it’s all the more reason why you need to make it work. Your husband is being really selfish!

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 20:56

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:34

This place is completely mental 😂Good luck to anyone who actually thinks opinions on here are rational and representative of real life. What lovely relationships you must all have. I am making my partner do something he really hates even though there might be a compromise or an alternative because I think he SHOULD😂

I am making my partner do something he really hates

Yeah, parenting his own children for a bit. What a bitch!

T1Dmama · 29/01/2023 20:57

Please put your career first!
I gave up work for motherhood and now my husband has p155ed off and I’m left with no pension! No career … nothing!