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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
MrsMikeDrop · 28/01/2023 19:44

Your dream job? Take it, you'll regret it, if you don't

musingsinmidlife · 28/01/2023 19:47

Theconceptoftime · 28/01/2023 19:35

This post just demonstrates how prevalent sexism is still. Yes, not all men are like this but it is so common. When do you ever see posts about men not being able to work because women won't get the kids ready. Never. The amount of times I see women having to use childcare when they have the other parent at home. Imagine if a man had to go to work and still pay for childcare everyday because the women didn't want to do it even though she could. So tired of all the double standards.

Funnily enough when most women are at work all day they don't feel like doing everything before or afterwards either but they have no choice.

You will be shocked to find out there are women at home who also have childcare help, especially when they have multiple young kids. And there are often posts when a woman says she is overwhelmed being at home with multiple kids saying to get help at home. So your assumption that only men would ever be overwhelmed in dealing with yound kids holds no weight. Not only are there countless posts about women being overwhelmed by caring for their own kids, there are also suggestions to get help and women who have additional help at home while they are home as well. OPs DH is allowed to have feelings and they can discuss his concerns as any supportive spouse should do.

OP should take the job. Just like the whole why do men have kids if they can't do their share and look after them, why do women have kids if they can't do their share and feed, house and clothe them. Kids require both time and money - and both parents should be involved in spending time with the kids and in contributing to their basic needs. Both are essential parenting responsibilities.

FlowerArranger · 28/01/2023 20:00

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 16:41

Imagine how you would feel 5-10-15 years from now having not taken this job and he cheats or leaves you. And you have a gaping hole in your CV, no pension and no job prospects.

Please be smart.

Moreover, having a job would allow her to LTB if she ever felt that she doesn't want to be married to this man anymore.

The relationship board is full of women who are stuck in unsatisfactory relationships because they have no money, no assets and no job.

Theconceptoftime · 28/01/2023 20:13

There are women who feel overwhelmed and get childcare help too, yes. The difference is it would almost never result in the man not going to work. They have to get on with it. Only sometimes a small minority of women get some help. Mostly, it is a case of there is no choice.

NaturalBae · 28/01/2023 20:13

Take it. He’s being selfish.

We also have 3 DC, one is an adult. My DH is the main earner. He owns and runs two businesses (inclu. working some weekday evenings and a weekend morning at one business), does the AM school runs and some PM runs.
I’ve worked a mixture of PT and FT since I was 14, during all pregnancies along with taking Mat Leave. I currently work school hours, mainly WFH with occasional days in the office.

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 20:22

Bertha21 · 28/01/2023 19:02

Take the job. It’s your dream. Also it sounds like a really good fit as you will still be around in the afternoons. I’m all for financial independence and not relying on the oh. Plus it’s great to have something for you!

No she won’t, unless she’s part time and finishes at 2pm. She’ll be using after school club, or a childminder, like every other working parent. Sometimes she’ll be working evenings and her DH will need to pick up the slack there too. This presumption that teaching is really family friendly because teachers finish early really grinds my gears. They don’t and it isn’t. That’s not a reason for OP to not take the job, she absolutely should do. But she won’t be ‘around in the afternoon’.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 28/01/2023 20:26

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 20:22

No she won’t, unless she’s part time and finishes at 2pm. She’ll be using after school club, or a childminder, like every other working parent. Sometimes she’ll be working evenings and her DH will need to pick up the slack there too. This presumption that teaching is really family friendly because teachers finish early really grinds my gears. They don’t and it isn’t. That’s not a reason for OP to not take the job, she absolutely should do. But she won’t be ‘around in the afternoon’.

Show quote history

The OP says she will.

I did wonder how it would work myself, but she's not actually said she'd be full time. Or that this is a teaching job actually, although I assumed that too.

Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 20:31

Hmm yes, just re-read it and that’s right. I wonder what this job is that allows her to do the afternoon school run. I presumed full time teacher, as she mentions only being part-time before, like this job was something more than that. I’m quite intrigued now, a full-time post that still enables the afternoon school run really would be a dream job!

BarbaraofSeville · 28/01/2023 20:34

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 28/01/2023 18:46

Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?

If he doesn't want to or can't cope with taking his children to school each day he can 'get a childminder or nany to help perhaps'

Fixed it for you. After all, the OP is/has done more than her share by doing everything for the last 8 years and will continue to do afternoon pick ups, evening meal etc.

Are all the people thinking this is the OPs problem to solve missing the fact that he is self employed in a flexible and well paid role, ie. he can choose his hours around the morning school run?

Original poster
whatatanker · 28/01/2023 20:35

Such brilliant advice, thank you everyone. It’s not actually a teaching position, but it’s linked to teaching and is in school and TTO.

Kids are 7, 4 and 2, so there is a nursery drop off too (none of which I’ll be able to do as I will need to leave before 7am). However, I will put all bags out the night before, uniform all ready on hangers and I actually already do all of that.

I am so determined to take this job as I need it for me. I’m slowly being guilt tripped into staying at home for longer and DH says the children need me at home. I’ve given up so much already though.

I’ll be able to get back at 5 so can pick up from ASC. The kids will be ok, and I’m trying not to feel guilty as I know we’ll have all the holidays together.

DH says that there’s always a demand for teaching staff but I know this position is right for me now. He is piling on the pressure for me to stay at home at least until the youngest is at school, but I don’t want to do that.

We are going to have a sensible discussion about this later on and I need to get to the bottom of what his issue is.

OP posts:
Hayliebells · 28/01/2023 20:41

I really want to know what this job is now OP! Feel free to DM me if you don’t mind! I’m not ready to leave teaching just yet. But good lordy I need an exit strategy. I can’t do it until I’m 68. Ideas for anything and everything that’s linked to education but not actually teaching is always welcome!

Espanolespie · 28/01/2023 20:44

The bottom of the issue is it’s inconvenient and more hassle for him. Take the job.

WickedStepmomNOT · 28/01/2023 20:54

Go for it! His objection you should stay home til the younget goes to school is rubbish, this is all about his convenience and there'd be another objection once youngest started school. Accept the job, they're his children too and time for him to take proper responsibility.

He does the morning routine, you do the afternoon routine, and everyone benefits from the increased household finances AND your increased sense of wellbeing.

Littlebluedinosaur · 28/01/2023 20:55

How much has your DH been paying into a pension for you for all of these 8 years? Does he intend to do that longer term if he doesn’t want you to work?

Take the job!

mallardducks · 28/01/2023 21:01

Selfish he is

Original poster
whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

OP posts:
ManchesterGirl2 · 28/01/2023 21:21

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 20:35

Such brilliant advice, thank you everyone. It’s not actually a teaching position, but it’s linked to teaching and is in school and TTO.

Kids are 7, 4 and 2, so there is a nursery drop off too (none of which I’ll be able to do as I will need to leave before 7am). However, I will put all bags out the night before, uniform all ready on hangers and I actually already do all of that.

I am so determined to take this job as I need it for me. I’m slowly being guilt tripped into staying at home for longer and DH says the children need me at home. I’ve given up so much already though.

I’ll be able to get back at 5 so can pick up from ASC. The kids will be ok, and I’m trying not to feel guilty as I know we’ll have all the holidays together.

DH says that there’s always a demand for teaching staff but I know this position is right for me now. He is piling on the pressure for me to stay at home at least until the youngest is at school, but I don’t want to do that.

We are going to have a sensible discussion about this later on and I need to get to the bottom of what his issue is.

Well, if the children need someone at home, it's his turn to take a few years off work.

Weenurse · 28/01/2023 21:21

Good luck with the discussion

AmandaHoldensLips · 28/01/2023 21:29

Take the job.
Stick to your guns.
Don't let him bully you out of it.

qpmz · 28/01/2023 21:44

He has flexi work patterns so what's his issue with school drop offs? Is it that he can't be bothered to be hands on with the children and doesn't want to sacrifice his easy mornings?

Congratulations on your new job! This is a new start got you. You're bringing more money into the household. Do not turn this opportunity down.

qpmz · 28/01/2023 21:58

Thinking2022 · 28/01/2023 18:04

take it and see if you can find someone to come and look after the children in the mornings and take them to school a couple of days a week

She already has someone. Her husband. Why are you suggesting she gets someone in?

qpmz · 28/01/2023 21:59

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 28/01/2023 18:46

Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?

Why though? Her husband can do it! What are you suggesting? He's incapable?

Coolheadedbird · 28/01/2023 22:29

Can you do the dream job 4 days a week? Have a mid day off? Just as a balance for you? Or do full time for a little while and get a day off as soon as you can. Maybe that’s the perfect balance…

DeskChair · 28/01/2023 22:46

Justasec321 · 28/01/2023 18:54

<bows.> Thank you!

NEVER had that before - in FIFTEEN years here!

Feel very validated. 😂

As you will op if you .........

TAKE THE JOB!!

Show quote history

Aw, now I feel all warm and fuzzy!

FlowerArranger · 29/01/2023 00:36

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

He actively chose not to contribute to your pension?!!!

Let that sink in...i