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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 28/01/2023 18:37

Take it. He can manage. Don’t let him put you off because he can’t be bothered to

Soothsayer1 · 28/01/2023 18:41

To try and sway him
why should she try and 'sway' him, he's not playing nice he's 'applying considerable pressure' she should push back just as hard & present with a fait accompli, dont negotiate with someone who is trying to sabotage your earning potential and stop you getting a dream job because he wants to be the star of the show.
Go for the jugular

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/01/2023 18:42

Take the job. Ditch the husband. Not joking.

Thepeopleversuswork · 28/01/2023 18:45

she should push back just as hard & present with a fait accompli, dont negotiate with someone who is trying to sabotage your earning potential and stop you getting a dream job because he wants to be the star of the show.
Go for the jugular

And this with bells on. Fuck playing nice and cajoling and compromising with someone who is trying to prevent you making money and force you to do domestic work. This would be a divorcable issue.

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 28/01/2023 18:46

Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?

getreadyy · 28/01/2023 18:51

"Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?"

🙄🙄🙄

autienotnaughty · 28/01/2023 18:52

He's thinking of the impact on him which is selfish. But you need to sit and talk about how it would work. Who will do housework? The mental load? Can you afford childcare/ a cleaner? Him not wanting you to is not a reason not to do it. You have sacrificed your career upto now.

Soothsayer1 · 28/01/2023 18:53

A few days in and he will start enjoying it
I doubt that he will start to enjoy menial and unpaid 'women's work'!
This man wants to be lord and master and have his wife disempowered so that she feels obligated to to the things he feels are beneath his station, he's not going to 'enjoy' anything which works against what he feels entitled to.

Justasec321 · 28/01/2023 18:54

DeskChair · 28/01/2023 18:20

Best reply ever!

Show quote history

<bows.> Thank you!

NEVER had that before - in FIFTEEN years here!

Feel very validated. 😂

As you will op if you .........

TAKE THE JOB!!

Soothsayer1 · 28/01/2023 18:54

Can you afford childcare/ a cleaner?
that should come out of his salary since he is the one ducking out of doing it

LaLuz7 · 28/01/2023 18:55

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 28/01/2023 18:46

Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?

Can't he? Why is this on her?

PinkPantherPaws · 28/01/2023 18:59

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask

Jesus. It's called being a grown up.

If you don't want to ever be responsible for 3 dc then you need to keep your legs shut or your dick in your pants and not produce 3.

Bertha21 · 28/01/2023 19:02

Take the job. It’s your dream. Also it sounds like a really good fit as you will still be around in the afternoons. I’m all for financial independence and not relying on the oh. Plus it’s great to have something for you!

AnotherNameChangeYes · 28/01/2023 19:03

MountedbyHarryWindsor · 28/01/2023 18:46

Could you get a childminder or nany to help perhaps?

Why?

Unless the DH starts work so early it makes getting them out logistically impossible, why can’t he do it? As their father. Or is taking kids to school the woman’s job.

Mumto32022 · 28/01/2023 19:10

Definitely take the job you’ll be resentful if not. He should be supporting you. You’ve been at home for X amount of years and now it’s time to support you.
I love working and couldn’t be a stay at home mum full time. It gets lonely and isolating. He should support you if that’s what you want.

fetchacloth · 28/01/2023 19:11

As others have said, go for it. The opportunity might not present itself again.
DH will just have to step up and do his share, I'm sure it won't hurt him. As the DC's get older, they will (should) be doing more for themselves anyway.
Good luck OP 😉

whittingtonmum · 28/01/2023 19:17

You must take this job. There is absolutely no way in hell you can let DH torpedo your career. No way in hell.

Ideally he steps up and parents his own children in the morning. That is the best option. Also for your marriage as he shows he's prepared to co-parent with you, which is kind of what you should expect a father to do. But if he withholds this option to put pressure on you to not take the job you unfortunately have to side step him. Sometimes you can find nannies for only two hours in the morning or have an au pair or see what breakfast club options are available. You might have to sort it out yourself if DH is trying to hold you back.

When I went back to work DH didn't lift a finger. I sorted the whole child care stuff out myself helped by my mum because I was determined to not let a stupid man hold me back. He has subsequently become better at working in partnership with me how to juggle child care between ourselves. Not absolutely ideal but still better so there's hope that your DH pulls his finger out once he realises that you are absolutely determined and will build your career and ensure your children are looked after - with or without him. His choice what kind of father he wants to be.

IsaMérida · 28/01/2023 19:18

Your dream job it's a big opportunity you can't leave scape. Maybe never again be repeated.
You have to accept the job. It is your future. You have to think in you. Your children have grown up and now going to the school.
DC will follow with his carreer and your children will grow up and go about their business and then you won't have anything and it may be too late.
I think your husband should empathize with you more and make an effort. But if he don't do it you could find another solutions.

Please forgiveme if my english is not very OK. I'm spanish and I'm learning.

superdupernova · 28/01/2023 19:19

I'd go for it. He'll just have to be an equal parent. The good news is that if it doesn't work out, you know he'll be supportive if you decide to leave.

MysteryBelle · 28/01/2023 19:28

IsaMérida · 28/01/2023 19:18

Your dream job it's a big opportunity you can't leave scape. Maybe never again be repeated.
You have to accept the job. It is your future. You have to think in you. Your children have grown up and now going to the school.
DC will follow with his carreer and your children will grow up and go about their business and then you won't have anything and it may be too late.
I think your husband should empathize with you more and make an effort. But if he don't do it you could find another solutions.

Please forgiveme if my english is not very OK. I'm spanish and I'm learning.

Good advice.

Lilavanblue · 28/01/2023 19:29

PinkPantherPaws · 28/01/2023 18:59

I wouldn't want to get 3 kids ready every day before work. I woildnt be able to cope. I agree with getting somebody in to help. Every day is a big ask

Jesus. It's called being a grown up.

If you don't want to ever be responsible for 3 dc then you need to keep your legs shut or your dick in your pants and not produce 3.

Why though? Everyone is different. Wanting some help with childcare is not the same as never wanting to be responsible.
Some couples with kids both work full time, others decide for one parent (or both) to work part-time or stay at home, others hire help.
There is no one acceptable way to be a grownup.
How much help people need (or want) also depends on the job(s) they have - and if they can afford it - then why not?

Exasperatednow · 28/01/2023 19:33

What does he do? Does he have to travel?

Is there any compromise?

Theconceptoftime · 28/01/2023 19:35

This post just demonstrates how prevalent sexism is still. Yes, not all men are like this but it is so common. When do you ever see posts about men not being able to work because women won't get the kids ready. Never. The amount of times I see women having to use childcare when they have the other parent at home. Imagine if a man had to go to work and still pay for childcare everyday because the women didn't want to do it even though she could. So tired of all the double standards.

Funnily enough when most women are at work all day they don't feel like doing everything before or afterwards either but they have no choice.

daretodenim · 28/01/2023 19:40

Take the job. Always take the job over the man. Always.

He should be happy you've found what brings you joy and support you in being happy.

If he's decently paid then you can afford some extra childcare when you're working.

That's "you" plural btw, not you single out of your individual income.

If he's unhappy that you're feeling fulfilled in life then at least you'll have your own income and be able to make decisions about your life.

As for not wanting to get the kids ready in the morning.....WTAF!

Seriously, what if you don't feel like getting them ready in the morning? He has first dibs on not doing mornings because he didn't give birth and do childcare and was working? Nah.

You must choose what makes you happy, because he obviously isn't prioritising it. If you don't take the job, it will be because the children's father doesn't want responsibility for his kids in the morning. There's absolutely no way that won't turn into serious resentment (unless you're a robot).

Take the job and then figure things out. It's not like he's going to divorce you over it because then he'll have 50-50 childcare and he clearly won't want to do mornings and evenings! 😅

AcrossthePond55 · 28/01/2023 19:44

What part of 'my dream job' does he not understand? How many of us are lucky enough to land our dream job? He should be facilitating this, not discouraging it!