Page 15 | Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

whatatanker · 2023-01-28T15:39:58+00:00

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish) I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work. Thoughts?

LifeExperience · 30/01/2023 16:52

Men who aren't prepared to father their children shouldn't have them. He needs to step up and act like a mature adult whether he likes it or not.

AnotherNameChangeYes · 30/01/2023 16:58

I’m thinking of applying for a full time role, which will make child juggling much more difficult. My DH’s attitude is ‘it’s fine, we’ll work it out’. And is looking at his own hours. Which is the correct response.

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2023 17:07

Lifeisapeach · 30/01/2023 15:34

Going against the grain on this one. If you want to return to work and he doesn’t want to be tied to a school routine in the morning before his day (personally don’t blame him if he’s not been used to it… it’s hard and stressful and often I’m ragged by the time I get into work ) then you both need to agree a form of before school care that allows you both to get to work on time. Just because you want to return to work … does that really mean he has to pick up the slack. Not necessarily. You’ve been the care giver for so long so he’s been functioning at work with you doing it it all. That will change and while it does need to even out, you both need to agree the impact of you returning to work and work through the options . Not just that he will pick up the slack.

By "picking up the slack" I assume you mean sharing parenting duties for his own children??!

ScribblingPixie · 30/01/2023 17:13

Yes, OP! Popped back to see your catch up, and I'm so pleased your standing your ground. You are 100 per cent doing the right thing.

Coolheadedbird · 30/01/2023 17:13

My DH earns great money but I always wanted to work as well. I did it gradually. So what he hit the roof with you no probs. But watch out that he does not neglect the kids out of spite. Just in case he sabotages you through them. Think carefully if he’d actually turn out to be a shit to them. Not all people have empathy and he does not sound like someone capable of empathising.

StephanieSuperpowers · 30/01/2023 17:42

The fact that he chose to not make pension contributions really demonstrates that he's incredibly selfish and that allowing yourself to become more dependent on him would be a mistake. Certainly working for him would be a terrible error - I sincerely doubt you'd make an income from it and it would leave you personally impoverished. It doesn't sound like ensuring your personal security is a priority for him so you have to do it for yourself.

And it wouldn't be any harm at all to let him know that he's had 8 years to demonstrate that he could be trusted to make any provision for your old age if you were not working but he didn't bother so you're going to do it yourself and he can do his fair share of parenting and you're not going to hear another word about it.

Eddielizzard · 30/01/2023 18:09

He is coming across VERY badly here. Who on earth wouldn't make pension contributions to make sure their spouse had a bit of security? You never know what might happen. It's all about him and his ease. Absolutely don't work for him, you'll regret it. This job sounds perfect. He can pull his weight for once. And no, don't pack everything the night before. Let him take some responsibility.

Lifeisapeach · 30/01/2023 21:17

Canthave2manycats · 30/01/2023 17:07

By "picking up the slack" I assume you mean sharing parenting duties for his own children??!

Show quote history

YES! But during his working day is the unrealistic expectation here!

I don’t blame him being a perplexed with the suggestion. My career wouldn’t support dropping nursery and school every day either. And the OP has already said his business has struggled since covid.

ask the new employer to be flexible with the start time and share the drop offs and pick up. It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career. Mornings are definitely more difficult too. Share the load !

lifeinthehills · 30/01/2023 22:37

As someone whose husband couldn't cope with having to make any changes to his work when it was my turn to start developing my career, I'll tell you what I'd go back and tell my younger self - "make him step up." Too bad if he's anxious, he'll have to deal with it. I'm afraid if you don't, the career boat will probably pass you by.

ReneBumsWombats · 31/01/2023 06:08

It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career.

And yet I manage it.

Grimchmas · 31/01/2023 06:32

Wow. You really need to take the job to get back your financial independence. As others have said that active choice to not contribute to your pension, the not wanting you to have your career back, it's actually pretty sinister.

You may not ever want to leave him but you should always have the option to do so. Having your own job keeps that door open. Perhaps this is part of the reason he doesn't want you to take it, but instead of financial abuse there's another way to try to prevent your partner from leaving you, and it's called being a good, supportive partner to them. Take the job.

Grimchmas · 31/01/2023 06:46

YES! But during his working day is the unrealistic expectation here!

He's not working in at least part of the time slot being discussed, he's in bed! There's no hint that he works in an industry that requires him to work either early mornings or late evenings. One of the benefits to working self-employed is that you have control over your own hours.

ask the new employer to be flexible with the start time and share the drop offs and pick up.

It's in a school, the hours will need to be pretty set around the children's school day. You don't restart your career in your dream job by demanding flexibility from your new employer! She would be doing all the pick ups. That already is sharing.

It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career. Mornings are definitely more difficult too. Share the load!

just like he has shared the load with paying her pension contributions, you mean? Just like he has by not having done mornings for 8 years? Why are you holding the woman to a much higher level of responsibility then the man?

napody · 31/01/2023 07:46

Relieved to see you're standing your ground OP.

What do you mean 'hit the roof?

His reaction over the coming days (when you accept the job?!) will tell you all you need to know. Whether he has your back, or whether (as seems to be the case worryingly often) he actually doesn't see you as a full separate person at all.

Botw1 · 31/01/2023 07:50

@Lifeisapeach

It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career.

Just like the ops oh has for the last 8 years?

The op was mad to agree to it in the first place

FurAndFeathers · 31/01/2023 08:49

Lifeisapeach · 30/01/2023 21:17

YES! But during his working day is the unrealistic expectation here!

I don’t blame him being a perplexed with the suggestion. My career wouldn’t support dropping nursery and school every day either. And the OP has already said his business has struggled since covid.

ask the new employer to be flexible with the start time and share the drop offs and pick up. It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career. Mornings are definitely more difficult too. Share the load !

Show quote history

You mean just as he has been doing? Oh no he hasn’t has he?

OP has said he can do the mornings and she can do the afternoons - that is considerably more shared than his continuing expectation that she does everything

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 10:12

FurAndFeathers · 31/01/2023 08:49

You mean just as he has been doing? Oh no he hasn’t has he?

OP has said he can do the mornings and she can do the afternoons - that is considerably more shared than his continuing expectation that she does everything

Show quote history

She’s expecting him to be flexible but not willing to flex her start time at all.

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 10:14

Botw1 · 31/01/2023 07:50

@Lifeisapeach

It’s extremely selfish to expect someone to do every single morning while maintaining their own career.

Just like the ops oh has for the last 8 years?

The op was mad to agree to it in the first place

Yes she’s been doing it all. But now wants to return to work. Suddenly he’s expected to change his mornings to suit the return to work. What I’m saying is it needs to be shared. Share the mornings. Share the pickups. Or find childcare!

LaLuz7 · 31/01/2023 10:17

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 10:14

Yes she’s been doing it all. But now wants to return to work. Suddenly he’s expected to change his mornings to suit the return to work. What I’m saying is it needs to be shared. Share the mornings. Share the pickups. Or find childcare!

Show quote history

Nope. Your take is ridiculous.

Botw1 · 31/01/2023 10:17

@Lifeisapeach

Why does it need to be shared?

Doesitreallymatteranyway · 31/01/2023 10:19

Please tell us you have accepted this job

Lcb123 · 31/01/2023 10:24

I’m really sad you are even questioning this. You said he has flexible hours, he is just as much their parent as you are. You’ve made huge career sacrifices for your kids. He needs to pull his weight.

PousseyNotMoira · 31/01/2023 10:26

Lifeisapeach · 31/01/2023 10:14

Yes she’s been doing it all. But now wants to return to work. Suddenly he’s expected to change his mornings to suit the return to work. What I’m saying is it needs to be shared. Share the mornings. Share the pickups. Or find childcare!

Show quote history

What I’m saying is it needs to be shared

Why, though? It hasn’t been shared, thus far.

And why shouldn’t he be flexible to suit her return to work? She’s previously accommodated his work, has she not?

T1Dmama · 31/01/2023 10:31

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/01/2023 11:52

I think it's important for you to be financially independent and have a chance at a rewarding career especially after being the one at home for years. On the other hand it sounds pretty exhausting to leave at 6.30 and not get back until 5. You have very young children and will hardly see them during the week. Is this really the right choice at this time? Especially if their dad isn't great.

Is there a middle way with a shorter commute or part time hours where you could split the mornings with your husband? I kind of get his point that doing the morning single handed every day won't be much fun.

It sounds like there are big problems in the relationship and you're taking this job to prove a point

I kind of get his point that doing the morning single handed every day won't be much fun.
But it’s been ok for OP to do everything and all the running around in the mornings for several years??? Why can’t he step up? OP will have all the holidays off so will still do all the childcare 13 weeks of the year plus weekends! If Dad isn’t a ‘morning person’ then surely he just needs to go to bed earlier?!
my brother and SIL both work full time, my brother does the mornings and school drop and nursery & SIL does the school pick ups ….. cooks tea and does pretty much everything else…. All this Dad has to do is get kids ready and into school, it really isn’t that much of an ask for the father to do something for his family!

Goodluck OP, I hope you love your new job and hope your husband supports you and pulls his thumb out of his arse.

AndreaWindow · 31/01/2023 10:46

I think he is being unreasonable, but if you take the job without discussing/agreeing with your DH first, it will cause you huge problems further down the line. I've been there.
If you want to stay together but he really doesn't want to get the kids ready in the morning, and he's well paid, can't you get an au pair?

ancientgran · 31/01/2023 10:50

Ignoring the husband issue, it is a long day for you OP. If you are leaving at 6.30 will you be up at 5.30, picking kids up from after school and getting home about 5.30 then dinner and bed time and you fall into bed exhausted. It doesn't sound great to me but I suppose you might be one of those people who don't need much sleep. Honestly I feel exhausted for you.