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AIBU?

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Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
LuckySantangelo35 · 30/01/2023 13:40

The mind boggles as to how anyone could possibly think you are being unreasonable here OP

DonnaBanana · 30/01/2023 13:44

he was very fortunate to have a wife doing all that for 8 years to make his life easier.

I think OP should absolutely take the job and the DH should step up now, but this seems like a silly thing to say because you could equally say she was "fortunate" to have a husband bringing home an income to keep them all housed and fed for 8 years as well. It's not a tit-for-tat numbers game, it's just called being a family and is exactly why he should step up now too.

Wetblanket78 · 30/01/2023 13:54

Go for it you've done more than your fair share. Now it's his turn to step up and do his. You will be there to pick them up at the end of the school day. I don't see why he has a problem.

reesewithoutaspoon · 30/01/2023 13:58

Please take the job, life can throw you a curve ball, and being financially independent can make life easier.
You only have to look at the relationship boards to see women blindsided by a dh leaving them or even worse by a premature death or illness, suddenly later in life they find their earnings and pension won't support them and they have to start from scratch.they lost their best earning years to raising children and its too late to make up that loss.
This is your dream job, chances of that happening again, especially as you have been out of the workforce for a lot of the last 8 years are slim to none.

bellswithwhistles · 30/01/2023 14:02

You might want to remind him how incredible the teacher's pension is - he's going to enjoy that when you retire!

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 14:04

Purpl · 29/01/2023 20:54

Take it if necessary use childminder au pair or breakfast club. If part time maybe mum friends might be able to help swop runs? The kids will get older and be able to get themselves ready quicker in time.
it’s a good example to your kids to work and keep yourself a bit financially independent.
congratulations!! If it doesn’t work out Yiu can always leave …..

Why have more women got to step in because a man can't be arsed to parent his own children?

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 14:05

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2023 01:18

If you laid out the breakfast things the night before and laid out their clothes plus made packed lunches if they have them and packed their bags, it would be a big help. A slow cooker would be helpful for evening meals on some nights too.

Yes, great ideas. I hope the OP's husband takes them on board.

Nanny0gg · 30/01/2023 14:10

whatatanker · 30/01/2023 12:33

Well, no not really. It’s a business that was thriving before the pandemic, but has really suffered since. He’s absolutely desperate for me to help him in his business but I’m not willing to put my own plans on hold. I think it’s another reason he doesn’t want me to take the job.

To all those saying I’ve got gumption: I haven’t but you lot have motivated and inspired me! 😊

Show quote history

What's the odds of him paying you a decent salary as he wouldn't top up your pension?

You'd really be stuck then.

saleorbouy · 30/01/2023 14:16

What's the point of him having flexible work patterns if he himself is inflexible?
Take the job it seems to me you'll both be doing 50:50 on the school runs which is a reasonable ask of any parent.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 14:23

OP, is part of this because he thinks you getting a job independently instead of working for him is on some level accepting his business isnt going to get back to where it was pre covid?

Riv · 30/01/2023 14:27

bellswithwhistles · 30/01/2023 14:02

You might want to remind him how incredible the teacher's pension is - he's going to enjoy that when you retire!

it WAS really good but since they re-organised it about 10 years ago it isn’t any more. It’s slightly better than some, but a lot worse than it was. (Sorry, don’t want to derail the thread)

Riv · 30/01/2023 14:31

Sorry, posted too soon- meant to add: he’s already shown how valuable his wife’s pension is to him with the contributions he chose not to mark over the last 8 years.

lieselotte · 30/01/2023 14:34

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

I couldn't agree with this more.

caringcarer · 30/01/2023 14:38

You have done all the hard baby years with cutting teeth and I bet you got up in night with children when babies. Now it his turn to do some parenting. You are still collecting so willing to share parenting with him. He needs to step up and stop being so selfish. Show him this thread OP.

Winniepoo · 30/01/2023 14:41

Oh please please take it and don't destroy your career for a lazy man.

Thesenderofthiscard · 30/01/2023 14:55

Take dream job. Don't look back.

WhereYouLeftIt · 30/01/2023 15:07

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

This is a very important point. He actively CHOSE not to secure a decent income for you in retirement. He CHOSE to manoeuvre you into financial dependence on him.

"I am so determined to take this job as I need it for me. I’m slowly being guilt tripped into staying at home for longer and DH says the children need me at home. I’ve given up so much already though."
I despise guilt-tripping.

The children need a parent. He is a parent. A parent who prioritises life being convenient to him above his wife and children, but a parent nonetheless. A parent whose time for parenting has come.

Take the job.

eyope · 30/01/2023 15:09

Please take the job.

Your kids will benefit most from a happy, fulfilled mother with the gumption to go for her dreams. If you don't, you are modelling for your children that you, a woman, a mother matter less than your DH. Your DH has had your support and encouragement all this while - it's his turn to reciprocate.

And if he can't, well then, you'll have to consider what you want out of a marriage and life. Which is a difficult decision, so I hope your DH can pull his head out of his arse and realise what he stands to lose by blocking your dreams.And

mezlou84 · 30/01/2023 15:26

Take it and tell him he has to pay for someone to do it if he won't. 8yrs so eldest is at least 7 and since you're considering going back to work youngest is 2 at least. My 2yr old dresses herself, I just put the clothes in front of her, check she put them on the right way round and that's that. At 7 surely the eldest does most of the things himself too. If everyone has their clothes for the next day out ready before bed, it's just a case of getting them up, making sure they washed and brushed their teeth, have breakfast and take them to school. Is it because he normally has a lie in so he has to get up early. You are even going to do the afternoon school run so he could have an hours nap in the afternoon instead. He should be happy for you amd helping you reach dor the stars x

MiniDinosaur · 30/01/2023 15:31

just accept the job, OP.
You’re not even asking him to do mornings every day, ONLY term times. He’s a lazy fucker.

Lifeisapeach · 30/01/2023 15:34

Going against the grain on this one. If you want to return to work and he doesn’t want to be tied to a school routine in the morning before his day (personally don’t blame him if he’s not been used to it… it’s hard and stressful and often I’m ragged by the time I get into work ) then you both need to agree a form of before school care that allows you both to get to work on time. Just because you want to return to work … does that really mean he has to pick up the slack. Not necessarily. You’ve been the care giver for so long so he’s been functioning at work with you doing it it all. That will change and while it does need to even out, you both need to agree the impact of you returning to work and work through the options . Not just that he will pick up the slack.

aloris · 30/01/2023 15:47

The fact he hasn't contributed to your pension makes my red flags rise. It smacks of trying to keep you financially dependent on him even if it's not in your interests. It is dismissive of your legitimate interests and that worries me.

AlbertaAnnie · 30/01/2023 15:48

Definitely take it

aloris · 30/01/2023 15:48

"Just because you want to return to work … does that really mean he has to pick up the slack."

Just because he enjoys not having to do his share of childcare, does that really mean she has to give up a good job that would allow her financial independence?

FlowerArranger · 30/01/2023 16:49

Apart from everything else, this job will provide security for you:

In case his business goes belly up
In case your marriage fails
And in your retirement - seeing that your husband actively chose not to fund a pension for you, even though he could have.

He doesn't have your back. He'll always look after Number One first.