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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
girlswillbegirls · 30/01/2023 12:31

@whatatanker Just to say well said! Please do not back track, you are doing the right thing 100per cent, don't let him or anyone else guilt trip you. Its the time for you to go back to work and he was very fortunate to have a wife doing all that for 8 years to make his life easier.
Now he will know what it is military organisation is. Time to do his fair share.
PS I went back to work after 4 years and DH learned how to get them ready for school and how tough parenting is. I enjoy now a good career and a good sense of equality at home.
Men need that and children need a good role model at home.

Congratulations on your new position

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/01/2023 12:31

PousseyNotMoira · 30/01/2023 12:21

Receive misogyny and disrespect with kindness. Respect his ‘boundary’ of hating mornings. Use cajoling language to chivvy him into bearing a fraction of the domestic load.

Ah, sweetheart. No.

Show quote history

@Givemethereins

yep! Fuck all that pussy footing about!

Original poster
whatatanker · 30/01/2023 12:33

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 09:30

To the poster suggesting that he’s high income, and that I benefit from that, he’s not at all.

Is this by any chance one of those where the self employed partner has been facilitated in indulging themselves with a business that doesn't actually provide?

Well, no not really. It’s a business that was thriving before the pandemic, but has really suffered since. He’s absolutely desperate for me to help him in his business but I’m not willing to put my own plans on hold. I think it’s another reason he doesn’t want me to take the job.

To all those saying I’ve got gumption: I haven’t but you lot have motivated and inspired me! 😊

OP posts:
fairypeasant · 30/01/2023 12:33

You need your own career and pension. Let him look after his own kids.

Original poster
whatatanker · 30/01/2023 12:37

Givemethereins · 30/01/2023 11:17

I maybe have a slightly different take on this. It's OK to be kind still to your partner through this and still stand firm with your boundary of going back to work and taking this job. I understand he is not offering you kindness and support in your journey right now, but that's probably because his fears are stopping him. But you can still be kind to him. And the children who will be taking the consequences of your partner doing the mornings.
For example, if he's not used to the mornings and he is not a morning person, that will feel pretty terrifying to him right now. And unless he's allowed to have his own boundary of respect the fact I hate mornings, it will pour out on the kids. So you could say like, 'hey love or whatever, I know this is hard for you, and you will find it hard till you adjust and get used to it. But it's the best thing for us, and the best thing for the family. And I'll do all I can to help you with this new transition. '
That way he'll feel heard and understood and will hopefully have less need to stomp around 'showing' you how hard or unfair this is.
Good luck!! But don't think you can't be kind to stick to your boundary. You can do both.

Thank you @Givemethereins thats good advice too. Yes, I have done this and we’ve both been carefully communicating our thoughts and feelings about the next step.

I agree that I definitely need to respect how he feels about this change, but not at the expense of my career progression.

OP posts:
girlswillbegirls · 30/01/2023 12:40

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/01/2023 11:52

I think it's important for you to be financially independent and have a chance at a rewarding career especially after being the one at home for years. On the other hand it sounds pretty exhausting to leave at 6.30 and not get back until 5. You have very young children and will hardly see them during the week. Is this really the right choice at this time? Especially if their dad isn't great.

Is there a middle way with a shorter commute or part time hours where you could split the mornings with your husband? I kind of get his point that doing the morning single handed every day won't be much fun.

It sounds like there are big problems in the relationship and you're taking this job to prove a point

Sorry this is terrible advice.
Basically you are suggesting- can the OP once again lower her expectations of having a full pension and security to accommodate a husband who is in your words not "specially great"?

And the bit of "not being the right time" I hear that so many times. Its not about analysing when is the optimum time to go back. Its time for women to get the act togethe, as soon as posible. Shit happens without warning.

Relaxd · 30/01/2023 12:43

Lay on the ‘if something happened to you, I may need to work and I want to get back into this now before I lose my skills’ and ‘I want to set a good example to our kids that women can have careers’ etc. If he is really worried about mornings then suggest discussing some solutions such as an au pair. Obviously having a new job doesn’t mean you won’t need to share some of the kids stuff and people have outlined things you might do the night before etc.

TerfOnATrain · 30/01/2023 12:44

If his business goes tits up, he might be glad you have a bloody career to keep the wolf from the door.

Take it.

glowfrog · 30/01/2023 12:44

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 21:15

@Littlebluedinosaur no pension top ups for me at all, and he’s had a great opportunity to do it as well but actively chose not to.

That's at best utterly irresponsible and at worst actually harmful. Glad to see you are standing your ground. Good luck!

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/01/2023 12:48

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2023 01:18

If you laid out the breakfast things the night before and laid out their clothes plus made packed lunches if they have them and packed their bags, it would be a big help. A slow cooker would be helpful for evening meals on some nights too.

How embarrassing.

My dh has his moments but I think even he’d be fucking mortified if I had to lay the table, make packed lunches and prep dinner before tootling off to work because he was incapable.

If I’m home I cook, if he’s home he cooks. It’s not fucking rocket science so why on earth do you think that the poor precious men can’t manage basic adulting.

Eddielizzard · 30/01/2023 12:51

You absolutely must take the job. This is exactly how we end up in less than ideal situations down the line. Why must you sacrifice your career? You'll manage between the two of you. He doesn't want to do mornings? I bet you didn't either but you did it. Course you did. And pick up all the other crap he didn't want to do.

The kids will be fine. They will be looked after and loved. And they will also have an independent mother who has a life and is secure.

girlswillbegirls · 30/01/2023 12:51

SchoolQuestionnaire · 30/01/2023 12:48

How embarrassing.

My dh has his moments but I think even he’d be fucking mortified if I had to lay the table, make packed lunches and prep dinner before tootling off to work because he was incapable.

If I’m home I cook, if he’s home he cooks. It’s not fucking rocket science so why on earth do you think that the poor precious men can’t manage basic adulting.

Show quote history

A 100 per cent with @SchoolQuestionnaire

charlertin · 30/01/2023 12:55

Mumsanetta · 30/01/2023 12:25

Well done OP, not only are you standing up for yourself but you are setting an excellent example for your kids.

“I hate, I hate and I especially hate when people say this! If you "hate mornings" then DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!”

@charlertin I assume you mean to say you hate parents who refuse to parent in the morning because they hate mornings which is completely different?

I absolutely hate mornings. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is “wtf is my life” and can barely speak because I’m dumbfounded by the whole experience of waking up. But I can still parent my child despite my hatred of mornings. I can STILL get up at 6.30 and get my DC ready for nursery because I do mornings during the week and DH does evenings - he finishes work early and I work endless hours. At weekends, DH let’s me lie in and brings me a coffee to coax me into the land of the living because he’s nice to me but at no point have I ever suggested that he should take over weekday mornings because they’re hard for me.

@charlertin I assume you mean to say you hate parents who refuse to parent in the morning because they hate mornings which is completely different?

Yeah that's exactly what I meant @Mumsanetta. Because the point is, no matter how hard it is or how tired we are, we STILL need to get on with it.
Your set up sounds like team work as it should be. Me and my DH have a similar arrangement but in reverse.

billy1966 · 30/01/2023 12:57

Good for you OP.

Start detaching from this waster and prepare for the worst.

He is a very selfish, lazy, avoidant parent that absolutely does not have your back.

Perhaps he will step up, but don't count on it.

Best be prepared.

He is neither a good man, husband nor father, so start protecting yourself.

MrsHutch3029 · 30/01/2023 12:57

If he isn’t standing down or softening to the idea, despite solutions you offer to the problems he’s presenting, it isn’t really about those things.

BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 12:58

whatatanker · 30/01/2023 12:33

Well, no not really. It’s a business that was thriving before the pandemic, but has really suffered since. He’s absolutely desperate for me to help him in his business but I’m not willing to put my own plans on hold. I think it’s another reason he doesn’t want me to take the job.

To all those saying I’ve got gumption: I haven’t but you lot have motivated and inspired me! 😊

Show quote history

Ah ok.

Well I'm very sorry for him and all of you that the business has been fucked over due to covid. But being pragmatic about it, that makes it more important that all the eggs for the family income aren't in one basket. You need the security of this job. Actually he'll benefit too, although he doesn't seem to have fully comprehended that.

LuckySantangelo35 · 30/01/2023 13:02

@LoisLane66

lol why would she lay the table the night before? Surely he can do that

bonzaitree · 30/01/2023 13:09

OP, I am the higher earner in my relationship, and I always facilitate and encourage my OH with his career.

He has an interview tomorrow for a job involving more travel. If he gets it we’ll need to discuss how that will work but I have said no matter what we can make it work because it’s such a step up for him and I know he’ll be happier!

His career is never second place because he earns less- far from it! In fact IMO because he is less established and less progressed he actually needs MORE help and it given more of a priority. The more senior you are the more you have capacity to be flexible, negotiation work terms etc.

M103 · 30/01/2023 13:20

Take it, take it, take it. No question of you not taking it. The kids will be fine. Your husband is being selfish.

Nixynic · 30/01/2023 13:25

Please take the job. Do it for yourself and for all the women (like me) who have given up careers to stay home with children, missed career progression, missed pension, missed socialising out of the house etc. I’ve loved being a SAHM for ten years, but I’m practically unemployable now in the career I had pre-children. I’d love to go back to a career now, especially as you describe it as a dream job…….. but all I’m able to find now is minimum wage jobs (despite a degree and ten years work before children).

user1471538283 · 30/01/2023 13:26

You have to take this job! You need the security for when you are older whether you are still together or not! Another job like this may not come around again.

He is perfectly capable of parenting his children to get them ready for school. My DF used to often get me ready when he came home from a nightshift.

If he refuses to do so then you will need to reevaluate what you want.

petmad · 30/01/2023 13:29

Take the job hell just have to grow a pair you need to still have youre own identity what if the relationship goes tits up youll have to manage on a pittence. Secure a future for yourself now rather than later.

billy1966 · 30/01/2023 13:31

Glad to read you will not be persuaded to be used by him.

Keep reminding yourself that he ignored the opportunity to do right by you with your pension contributions.

You have sacrificed too much of your career.

I would not trust him with your income, he is a user.

Protect yourself.

silverbubbles · 30/01/2023 13:32

He can easily facilitate this for you as he is his own boss. If he feels to important to help with his own family then get an au-pair.

StillWantingADog · 30/01/2023 13:39

if it really is because he can't face getting the kids ready in the morning then that is totally insane and he needs to grow up quickly!
You need to do this for yourself. Kids will be fine. And TTO is a massive practical advantage.

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