Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

[whatatanker]

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

I think this should be a very stark warning to all the SAHMs out there: the more you do at home, the harder it is to adjust when you try and get back to work.

Yup!

Your DH should do it but if not would look for someone who can come to your house each morning, get kids up and walk them to school. My cleaner does that for a family for similar reasons. It’s up to him to assess whether the cost of the helper each morning is worth it.

I maybe have a slightly different take on this. It's OK to be kind still to your partner through this and still stand firm with your boundary of going back to work and taking this job. I understand he is not offering you kindness and support in your journey right now, but that's probably because his fears are stopping him. But you can still be kind to him. And the children who will be taking the consequences of your partner doing the mornings.
For example, if he's not used to the mornings and he is not a morning person, that will feel pretty terrifying to him right now. And unless he's allowed to have his own boundary of respect the fact I hate mornings, it will pour out on the kids. So you could say like, 'hey love or whatever, I know this is hard for you, and you will find it hard till you adjust and get used to it. But it's the best thing for us, and the best thing for the family. And I'll do all I can to help you with this new transition. '
That way he'll feel heard and understood and will hopefully have less need to stomp around 'showing' you how hard or unfair this is.
Good luck!! But don't think you can't be kind to stick to your boundary. You can do both.

FFS

People men who "hate mornings " shouldn't have kids

I hate, I hate and I especially hate when people say this! If you "hate mornings" then DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!

TAKE THE JOB!!!!! YOU are valuable, YOU are important, YOU matter!

You have sacrificed the career side of your life for a very long time for the sake of your family, and in doing so have facilitated your partner's career. Time for you to enjoy the kindness you've shown to your family yourself, now. Be kind to yourself, live your life, take the dream job. I can't believe he isn't supporting you in this, being thrilled for you and working with you to plan childcare. Go for it, you will regret it so much if you don't.

Take the job, you’ll regret it if not. He’s being selfish and should be supporting you.

My SIL is a (well paid) single mother and she employs someone to help her in the morning so a) she maintains flexibility to get to work early if needed and b) so she is calm and not flustered, she isn’t a morning person.

She could get her kids up and take to school and get to work on time. She’d rather pay for help. I don’t see why it’s a relation ending matter.

It’s a trade off for this woman’s DH, either do it yourself or pay someone to do it.

She’s single though, she has no other support in the morning or through the day

I think it's important for you to be financially independent and have a chance at a rewarding career especially after being the one at home for years. On the other hand it sounds pretty exhausting to leave at 6.30 and not get back until 5. You have very young children and will hardly see them during the week. Is this really the right choice at this time? Especially if their dad isn't great.

Is there a middle way with a shorter commute or part time hours where you could split the mornings with your husband? I kind of get his point that doing the morning single handed every day won't be much fun.

It sounds like there are big problems in the relationship and you're taking this job to prove a point

God almighty he’s a right lazy get!
How dare you ask him to look after and sort out his kids on a morning after all these years of not having to do it!
The fact it gave him the rage just shows how much he thinks it is not his job.
Well done on staying firm. I would want to punch him… or divorce him(probably do both I would be so angry)

@SnackSizeRaisin

”You have very young children and will hardly see them during the week.”

and?? Their dad doesn’t seem too bothered

Being in a partnership is about compromise and working together. I got my dream job in 2006 - full-time - after a few years of p/t and a 7 year break before that. Meanwhile DH's career had sprung and sprung and he could not have supported with childcare or school runs. Therefore we got an au-pair. Best thing we ever did.

“You have very young children and will hardly see them during the week.”

yes ok .. that comment is truly not very helpful

also not what OP asked for …

Your husband is an arse. How dare he!!!

Good now stick with that. He either man’s up or ships out.

Me going back to work after maternity leave was never up for discussion with dp. I actually phoned my work to go back earlier and dp was TOLD. I am going back to work on these days when your off and that was that. I only get ds stuff ready when its my days for doing nursery run

This sounds even worse reading your last update. Take this job REGARDLESS of anything. You'll have tea time, bed time, weekends, AND SCHOOL hols with your kids and it's the job of your dreams. He's being a grade A arsehole about this.

I'd be realistic and make plans of what will you do if you do split childcare wise for the mornings. That may be a trickier challenge to consider. Maybe an au pair or a nanny that can do early mornings (might suit a student doing a child related degree).

If he doesn’t buck up, it’s the end of our marriage.

Good on you, OP! He needs to understand your career is important and he needs to start parenting properly.

Receive misogyny and disrespect with kindness. Respect his ‘boundary’ of hating mornings. Use cajoling language to chivvy him into bearing a fraction of the domestic load.

Ah, sweetheart. No.

What? Her dh has been at work supporting his family whilst op has been at home.Hw hasn't had an easier time of it!

Well done OP, not only are you standing up for yourself but you are setting an excellent example for your kids.

“I hate, I hate and I especially hate when people say this! If you "hate mornings" then DON'T HAVE KIDS!!!”

@charlertin I assume you mean to say you hate parents who refuse to parent in the morning because they hate mornings which is completely different?

I absolutely hate mornings. Every morning I wake up and my first thought is “wtf is my life” and can barely speak because I’m dumbfounded by the whole experience of waking up. But I can still parent my child despite my hatred of mornings. I can STILL get up at 6.30 and get my DC ready for nursery because I do mornings during the week and DH does evenings - he finishes work early and I work endless hours. At weekends, DH let’s me lie in and brings me a coffee to coax me into the land of the living because he’s nice to me but at no point have I ever suggested that he should take over weekday mornings because they’re hard for me.