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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband putting considerable pressure on me NOT to return to work

507 replies

whatatanker · 28/01/2023 15:39

We’ve got 3DC, and DH works for himself, has flexible work patterns and is well paid. I’m a teacher who has taken a lot of time off in the past 8 years, raising children. (Have been back a little in between kids but only p/t and only once each child was around 2 ish)

I have just been offered my dream job. I really want to accept it but because of the start times DH would now have to do most of the getting kids ready in the morning and school run. I’d have to leave early. I would then be able to do afternoon school run. He really does not want to do this and is pushing back significantly against me returning to work.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Galectable · 29/01/2023 21:02

It's your dream job! Of course you should take it. What's driving his resistance? Perhaps he thinks you've had the better deal over the past 8 years. Would he like a break from work? Schedule a time to have a full and frank discussion with him about your roles and mutual expectations. And enjoy your return to work!! It will be amazing 👏

Penguinsaregreat · 29/01/2023 21:09

Yep same happened to my sister.
Her now ex h insisted it was for the best that she became a sham.
Fast forward a few years. Her h left her for another woman. She has no pension has had to take a low paid job and could not afford to remain in the family home.
There isn’t any reward for women who give up their careers.

Justdontbejudgy · 29/01/2023 21:24

Oaktree55 · 29/01/2023 18:26

@Parker231 because this is not how most highly successful people operate. They don't want the faff of dealing with kids before a stressful day at work, which I can totally understand. Also if you are carrying most of the household expenditure (male or female) then why should you have to if it doesn't work for you? This may or may not be the case in this situation, I don't know, but to assume that the a parent must deal with these issues is not really how things operate once a certian income level is reached, even at lower income levels people have free help ie au pairs, which I personally dislike as it is cheap labour.

Can you hear yourself? There are plenty jobs that are not high earning and are very stressful, involving life and death decisions see paramedic, nurses, fire fighters etc. Guessing many people in these roles need to take a hand in childcare before and/or after work. Stress is not exclusive to those on 6 figures or more.

Your suggestion that because you earn over a certain amount looking after YOUR OWN children is a 'faff' so ultimately beneath you is exactly what is wrong with our society. Money is more important than anything. Stop making excuses for crappy parenting because that's what it is. You are beyond patronising.

Justdontbejudgy · 29/01/2023 21:26

ReneBumsWombats · 29/01/2023 20:56

I am making my partner do something he really hates

Yeah, parenting his own children for a bit. What a bitch!

Show quote history

Exactly!!!

IWishIHadNotDoneIt · 29/01/2023 21:37

What sort of marriage do you have OP? Not only does your husband not support you so that you can take your dream job, but he actively chose to not put in to a pension for you when he had the opportunity. Now, when you need help with the children he helped create, he backs away. Does he want you to be financially dependant on him when you retire? That is financial abuse in later years.

If he is desperate for the children to have a parent at home, then I'd suggest it's his turn.

GroggyLegs · 29/01/2023 22:03

Absolutely loving Oaktrees total dismissal of all the free labour being provided by the life-prop of the 'highly successful person' in their (his) fantasy scenario.

They didn't get to be 'highly successful' in a vacuum, they benefitted from all that unpaid graft.

And - shocker - that life prop has a rich inner life, with needs, ambitions and dreams of their own, which shouldn't be squashed to protect the highly successful partner from the inconvenience of raising their own kids.

OP this is your life. Don't throw away a chance for a fulfilling future for yourself over morning drop offs. Children grow, they won't need this level of attention forever. And if it's total shit, you jack the job in, or try for PT. But if it's as good as you hope you must at least try.

GirlOfTudor · 29/01/2023 22:27

Take. The. Job.
If he can't understand it's your dream job and how much that means, that's up to him. Women take a massive hit on their career when having children, whilst men carry on as usual (for the most part).

Is there a genuine reason as to why he doesn't want to do the drop offs? Would it affect his contracts/clients? Or is it just a case of "I don't want to"?

Stand your ground and explain your reasons and he can deal with the rest (including sharing the taking care of his own children).

Gendercritic · 30/01/2023 00:48

Quite apart from the fact they're his kids and he should be sharing the caring responsibilities with you, you need to protect yourself financially. Divorce, widowhood... anything could happen. Plus, WTF should he stop you having the career satisfaction you want? You definitely need to get this marriage on a more egaliatarian basis.

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2023 01:18

If you laid out the breakfast things the night before and laid out their clothes plus made packed lunches if they have them and packed their bags, it would be a big help. A slow cooker would be helpful for evening meals on some nights too.

beachcitygirl · 30/01/2023 01:33

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2023 01:18

If you laid out the breakfast things the night before and laid out their clothes plus made packed lunches if they have them and packed their bags, it would be a big help. A slow cooker would be helpful for evening meals on some nights too.

If you've nothing sensible to say then Be quiet.

It's not the 1950's she doesn't have to work full time AND do everything else.

He is not an imbecile &'parenting isn't 'her l' job. Grrrr

28January · 30/01/2023 01:56

Please take the job. The fact that your DH is so keen on you staying at home to make his life more convenient rings big warning bells, selfish men rarely change over time. Do not be one of the many, many women I see professionally who are screwed when person they gave up your career for moves on to pastures new.

Jux · 30/01/2023 02:15

He chose NOT to top up your pension?
He's pressuring you to stay at home so he can aboid parenting in the mornings?

Has he always been this much of an arse?

georgarina · 30/01/2023 05:03

LoisLane66 · 30/01/2023 01:18

If you laid out the breakfast things the night before and laid out their clothes plus made packed lunches if they have them and packed their bags, it would be a big help. A slow cooker would be helpful for evening meals on some nights too.

Well obviously it would be a big help if she did everything. Do you think he does these things for her?

Coolheadedbird · 30/01/2023 06:04

Guys you are forgetting that she gets half his pension should they ever divorce so he’d have to share it. Career wise this is why we didn’t go for baby no 3 it would have prolonged not getting back to work far too long.

Feste · 30/01/2023 07:34

Frrrout · 28/01/2023 15:46

Take it for you, and nobody else.
I ama big believer that women should safeguard their own futures and careers in the event of divorce, a spouse dying, anything that would mean a massive change in circumstances. You never know what is around the corner so ensure you still have a career and either get childcare, or your husband to pull his (seemingly) self-important finger out!

Absolutely this. For so many reasons, safeguarding your future is important - and you won’t know the reasons until they come along. Meaningful work is vital on so many levels, too.

sueelleker · 30/01/2023 08:13

"even at lower income levels people have free help ie au pairs, which I personally dislike as it is cheap labour."
Since when were au pairs free/cheap labour Oaktree55?

Riv · 30/01/2023 08:33

To paraphrase and add a couple of words to a post up thread- the discussion should be “DH, will you be doing the mornings or will you be organising and paying for appropriate childcare in a morning?”
(Maybe he does understand the skill and hard work involved and realises he is just not capable of managing his own children by himself? Does that high level of responsibility frighten him perhaps?)

Original poster
whatatanker · 30/01/2023 09:23

To the poster suggesting that he’s high income, and that I benefit from that, he’s not at all.

We’ve had a discussion about it all. Yes, the reason he doesn’t want me to go to work is that he doesn’t want the morning shift of getting the children ready (despite the fact that I would do all the organising that I could the night before)

I think this should be a very stark warning to all the SAHMs out there: the more you do at home, the harder it is to adjust when you try and get back to work.

I told him last night that I would need to leave at 6:30 for my new job and he hit the ROOF (he’s never been good in the mornings) so it will be a shock.

Yet again I’m impressed by the quality of advice on here. Truly fantastic. If he doesn’t buck up, it’s the end of our marriage.

OP posts:
BashirWithTheGoodBeard · 30/01/2023 09:30

To the poster suggesting that he’s high income, and that I benefit from that, he’s not at all.

Is this by any chance one of those where the self employed partner has been facilitated in indulging themselves with a business that doesn't actually provide?

ShellsOnTheBeach · 30/01/2023 10:43

If he doesn’t buck up, it’s the end of our marriage.

That's the spirit,@whatatanker 😎

He co-created these kids - he needs to step up or ship out.

If only more women had your gumption!

StarsSand · 30/01/2023 10:47

What a dick.

Good on you OP

StarsSand · 30/01/2023 10:52

I wouldn't be getting all the bags and coats etc ready for him either. Screw that.

If you're both working it becomes equally his job.

Lazy prick.

Parisj · 30/01/2023 10:55

Good luck with your new job OP, time for some changes. Be ready for him to do it crap to get you to fold. Don't step in though and don't complain. Be absolutely resolute. Treat him as though he is an adult and capable, 'oh? You were late to school? How are you going to sort that? Oh, dd forgot sports kit? How did you decide to deal with that?'. Tell family 'yes DH does the mornings now, he's responsible for that'. No judgement or comment. Just go to work. Decide what you will prepare night before and stick to only that. You know you will leave ultimately if he doesn't step up, but don't make a few weeks chaos for the kids change your course. And actually it does take time to get into a new role and routine and get better at it.

Scalottia · 30/01/2023 11:05

ShellsOnTheBeach · 30/01/2023 10:43

If he doesn’t buck up, it’s the end of our marriage.

That's the spirit,@whatatanker 😎

He co-created these kids - he needs to step up or ship out.

If only more women had your gumption!

Yep - good on you, OP! I wish more women had your attitude!

charlertin · 30/01/2023 11:11

My DH does the "getting ready" every morning along with the school runs. He's never so much as complained, not once. His work is much more flexible than mine which allows him to do this. When I come home in the evenings I take over. I'm so grateful that we have that team work.

When I read threads like this (which is 90% of the threads on MN nowadays), I always wonder if the man has always been a piece of shit or has he developed into a piece of shit over time, especially after having children?