AIBU?
Am I being precious about toddler's routine?
justsobloodytired · 25/01/2023 19:34
DD is almost 2. DP works away for half of the month so I do most of the childcare alone. DD goes to nursery when I'm at work. She has the same routine at nursery and at home with me on my days off - set times for nap, meals, bath time and bedtime etc (not like precise on the minute or anything, but an approx window, eg- tea between 4-4.30 ish, bath 6-6.30 for example).
When DP comes home he looks after her on his one of his days off, and he always changes the routine. Meal times are always later, especially teatime. For example tonight I rang from work to say I was leaving and to check how she was at 5.15pm, and he said she still hasn't had tea but he was going out in the car to collect her older sister from an after school activity so would just wait til he got home. It was an hour round trip so by the time he was home it would be past her usual bath time and she would likely be very hungry. He said it's fine, she's had plenty of snacks. I said could you please get her something to eat on way to collect eldest - he said OK I'll get her a happy meal from McDonalds. Anyway she doesn't really like chicken nuggets so as predicted she didn't eat them and just ate chips instead. So her tea consisted of chips in the back of the car at 5.30 (an hour later than her usual tea time).
I was upset about this as I just feel like that's not an adequate tea for a 2 year old and it's also too late. It feels like he comes home after I've kept to a routine for her the rest of the time he's been away and just messes it up.
I'm hesitant to express my annoyance too much as I know he misses her when he's away - for example when i asked him why he didn't make her tea at the usual time before leaving to collect eldest, he said (I quote): "I wanted to spend time playing with her instead".
I do get that. But this isn't the first time he's let her routine slide and just given her snacks instead of a proper tea, or her bath time has been closer to her usual bedtime (an hour later) etc.
AIBU to expect him to keep a similar routine to the one I and nursery have with her when he's away? Or am I being precious and I need to just allow him to parent his own way on his own timescales when he's home?
DrinkFeckArseBrick · 26/01/2023 08:57
There was a thread very similar to this yesterday (where the father wasnt interacting with the child) and my response is the same.
Yes it's ok to get out of routine, yes it's ok to have mcdonalds in the back of the car sometimes, yes it's ok to to to bed late sometimes because there is something else fun to do.
But what I'm seeing on these threads is the mother running around making sure the children have home cooked food and a routine and all the boring things that are good for children the majority of the time, and the dads swoop in and the bar is much lower for them and the general feeling is 'why does it matter, at least he is spending time with his child'. No it doesnt matter for the child because its occasional because they only spend a bit of time with their dad. Who it's not fair on is the mum who is stuck with the boring bits of parenting most of the time. If anyone is going to get chips in the car for dinner it should be the mum as she needs the break from cooking the healthy meals all the time, that means chips is only occasional.
Not sure I'm explaining myself very well but it gives me the rage when I see dada doing the 'no homework today / no cooking / teeth brushing/ early bed time because mums not here!' When they spend comparatively little time looking after their kids they should do more, not less, so that means the mum has a bit of flex when she needs it.
Saying that, at least he was playing with her and not at the worst end of the shit dad scale and I'm not sure I'd say anything if it was a one off. But plenty of toddlers dont actually say when they are hungry they just act out.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:04
Swiftswatch · 26/01/2023 08:51
That's when I said oh she'll be really hungry, please can you get her some tea while you're out? Again - can you point out the part that is "dictating", as opposed to asking, please? @justsobloodytired
But he has already told you he gave DD a snack because he was planning on giving her dinner when they got back so she wasn’t hungry.
You did insist that he feed her on route because the meal was “late”.
He told me about the snack AFTER I asked him to get her some tea.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:05
R0ckets · 26/01/2023 08:49
And yes it makes me anxious when things deviate from that, and also upsets me that I work so hard to keep this in place
Feel free to ignore any other posts then but the overwhelming majority have pointed out the fact deviating from the routine at times will be nothing but helpful as she grows especially as you've conceded she is not impacted by it.
I know change is scary but it's very clear you're keeping the routine for your own anxiety. Remember as she grows the routine will need to change and starting small by it being different when daddy is home is as good a place as any.
Ffs!!!!
Have you bothered to read literally my SECOND post yesterday at 20:23?!
I have acknowledged precisely those points and later thanked posters for offering those viewpoints!!
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:07
Thesearmsofmine · 26/01/2023 08:47
YABU, his way isn’t wrong just because he does things differently to you. Aside from that I would usually expect a two year old to be eating a family meal at home in the evening, even if it’s just a small amount. Nursery tea is usually pretty light(unless your nursery do a proper me at 4pm?), more of a snack tbh.
It's not a snack at night nursery it's a proper cooked meal.
She has a snack with me when we get home around 5,45. Already said all this.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:08
@DrinkFeckArseBrick
You make some really good points and it's probably the reason for my underlying annoyance in the first place with him. It's how bloody hard I have to work singlehandedly to keep things going when he's away. Then he gets to chill in the car with some chips and I'm just 🙄 well that's nice for you!
Kitcaterpillar · 26/01/2023 09:09
@DrinkFeckArseBrick but he got her chips in the car because mum told him to get something out. His plan was to feed both children at home a bit later. And, he hadn't, as far as we know, done any of the things you describe, he just wasn't following the schedule, it seems she was fed and watered and entertained.
Also, while I agree with your broader point, I do think all of life is a choice. I'm the default parent, my husband's away for very long periods but I make a conscious effort to not get bogged down in life and be an equally 'fun' parent. You don't have to avoid all fun to keep them clean and dressed. As a previous poster said, sometimes it's a sunny summer day and you stay at the park late.
R0ckets · 26/01/2023 09:11
Yes I've read your posts there's no need to be so frustrated. You may have said maybe you should lighten up a bit but your posts are still coming across that you think you're way is the right way and you've acknowledged you fit you're day around ensuring you keep her routine.
Flexibility in your routine and way of thinking would probably do all of you the world of good.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:12
His plan was to feed both children at home a bit later.
He didn't actually say this so I don't know where that's come from.
He didn't mention any plan other than to collect eldest.
Surely if that was his plan he would have said "don't worry, all in hand, I've got something sorted for tea for when we all get home". He didn't. He's not a "planner", so I just know he wouldn't have thought ahead about it. If he had he would have said.
What would likely have happened is, I'd have walked in from work close to 6pm and started cooking something for their tea myself.
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:12
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 08:35
Thank you!
She's literally an infant at not even 2 yet. 4/4.30 is a normal tea time for all my friends' babies of this age, 5pm latest. Only thing is, I can't physically give her tea at 5pm on my work days as that's the time I'm travelling from work so she has tea an hour sooner at nursery and then a snack at home with me before bath. I don't see the issue with those timings for an under 2 year old. 🤷♀️
MysteryBelle · 26/01/2023 00:12
If dc is not even 2 yet, then 4:30 is entirely reasonable for tea and then a snack before 7 pm bedtime. That is a very traditional time frame. Including the snack after the ‘proper meal’. The fallout from not following routine would land on Op and not the dad and the whole point is to establish that bedtime for not only the child but also for the parents to be ‘done’ and be able to rest or do other things.
The reason nurseries do dinner at such a weird time is because any later and it would interfere with home time.
There's nothing magical about a child being a toddler which means they have to eat so ridiculously early.
I've never come across any friends who feed their child their evening meal so early. Where the children eat at nursery, they often have a second dinner when they get home. They only reason it's the routine 90% of the time is because you choose follow nurseries routine at home.
Does your toddler get up early by any chance? IMO such as early dinner would make a child far more likely to wake early for breakfast.
Whatever you think of the timings, there's nothing wrong with varying it a bit. It's good for them to practice flexibility (and you by the sounds of it).
Ps: i asked before but you didn't answer, do you ever sit down and eat dinner together with her? Because i can't imagine that you easy your evening meal at 4pm. It's far more important to eat together where possible then be a slave to routine surely.
Thesearmsofmine · 26/01/2023 09:13
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:07
It's not a snack at night nursery it's a proper cooked meal.
She has a snack with me when we get home around 5,45. Already said all this.
Thesearmsofmine · 26/01/2023 08:47
YABU, his way isn’t wrong just because he does things differently to you. Aside from that I would usually expect a two year old to be eating a family meal at home in the evening, even if it’s just a small amount. Nursery tea is usually pretty light(unless your nursery do a proper me at 4pm?), more of a snack tbh.
Ok, so what’s the actual issue with that being swapped around and dad giving her the snack and then the meal? Other than it’s not how you do it? What is the problem with this when your daughter was fine? What will you do when there is a time where something comes up and you can’t feed her tea at 4pm for whatever reason?
Lcb123 · 26/01/2023 09:15
YABU. he’s an adult and equally a parent - unless child is in danger, let him get on with it and he’ll learn from any mistakes
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:15
@Babyboomtastic
Yes I'm aware there's nothing "magical" about a toddler thank you. Her tea time is earlier because her lunch is earlier (11.30/12 ish) and so she's hungrier earlier. As I've already explained in previous posts that absolutely no one is able to read, apparently.
Yes on my days off I do often eat tea with her at 4.30, if I'm hungry. If not then no I don't, I'll just snack and eat later when she's in bed.
On DP's weekends home if we are planning a family meal together we do it in the window 4-5 latest so we can all eat together. It works for us.
Kitcaterpillar · 26/01/2023 09:16
OK, OK, your husband's a useless arsehole, your toddlers day was a disgrace, it's beyond unfair that mums are banned from ever chucking their kids in the back of the car and getting some chips. LTB.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:18
Kitcaterpillar · 26/01/2023 09:09
@DrinkFeckArseBrick but he got her chips in the car because mum told him to get something out. His plan was to feed both children at home a bit later. And, he hadn't, as far as we know, done any of the things you describe, he just wasn't following the schedule, it seems she was fed and watered and entertained.
Also, while I agree with your broader point, I do think all of life is a choice. I'm the default parent, my husband's away for very long periods but I make a conscious effort to not get bogged down in life and be an equally 'fun' parent. You don't have to avoid all fun to keep them clean and dressed. As a previous poster said, sometimes it's a sunny summer day and you stay at the park late.
Also I have a lot of fun with my toddler. Routine does not mean "no fun". For example we always have a sing song at bathtime and me and eldest sister put music on and dance around to her favourite nursery rhymes whilst she splashes in the bath and laughs her head off at us.
We also go to plenty of soft plays, parks, etc on our days off together and feed ducks and play on swings etc. or just have a lazy day in the house playing with Lego or dolls, or colouring in.
We have lots of fun. I just have time frames I like to stick broadly to for meals, naps, bath, and bed.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:20
Kitcaterpillar · 26/01/2023 09:16
OK, OK, your husband's a useless arsehole, your toddlers day was a disgrace, it's beyond unfair that mums are banned from ever chucking their kids in the back of the car and getting some chips. LTB.
🙄🙄🙄🙄
Harsh. He's far from an arsehole and she had a lovely day yesterday by all accounts so not sure where that's come from.
People do like to invent their own narratives on here don't they. Fascinating to watch.
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:23
It clearly doesn't "work for us" because otherwise you wouldn't be angsting about some chips in the car and things being the 'wrong' way round.
Clearly you just don't want to take on board anyone else's view point. It must be very frustrating for your husband if your are anything like you are on here.
Truckinghell · 26/01/2023 09:23
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:18
Also I have a lot of fun with my toddler. Routine does not mean "no fun". For example we always have a sing song at bathtime and me and eldest sister put music on and dance around to her favourite nursery rhymes whilst she splashes in the bath and laughs her head off at us.
We also go to plenty of soft plays, parks, etc on our days off together and feed ducks and play on swings etc. or just have a lazy day in the house playing with Lego or dolls, or colouring in.
We have lots of fun. I just have time frames I like to stick broadly to for meals, naps, bath, and bed.
Kitcaterpillar · 26/01/2023 09:09
@DrinkFeckArseBrick but he got her chips in the car because mum told him to get something out. His plan was to feed both children at home a bit later. And, he hadn't, as far as we know, done any of the things you describe, he just wasn't following the schedule, it seems she was fed and watered and entertained.
Also, while I agree with your broader point, I do think all of life is a choice. I'm the default parent, my husband's away for very long periods but I make a conscious effort to not get bogged down in life and be an equally 'fun' parent. You don't have to avoid all fun to keep them clean and dressed. As a previous poster said, sometimes it's a sunny summer day and you stay at the park late.
So why are you annoyed that your husband got to be the 'fun' one?!???
Make. It. Make. Sense.
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:24
When does get older sister eat dinner btw? I assume they eat together the majority of the time?
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:25
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:24
When does get older sister eat dinner btw? I assume they eat together the majority of the time?
No she's a teen and pleases herself. Usually microwaves something or has a pot noodle at 9pm 😂
R0ckets · 26/01/2023 09:27
You just keep changing the narrative and dripping in more information to make it sound like you're viewpoint is the reasonable one. Which is incredibly frustrating.
You acknowledge in your initial post he said he would get them tea when he got them both home and yet now you say he hadn't even thought about it and ehs not a planner.
Look I get ti's frustrating to be told you're unreasonable when you ask, I've been there but getting frustrated about it won't help. Just make an effort to be more laid back with the routine and see how it goes.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:27
@Truckinghell
I'm annoyed because I have to do both simultaneously. Not just have fun and to hell with the usual routine. To hell with home cooked healthy meals. Can you imagine if I did that every day? She'd never eat anything nutritious.
I have fun times with her balanced with routine and home cooked meals that are good for her. He doesn't do that. He just goes for the fun.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:29
@R0ckets
I'm literally not changing anything.
He did not say "I've got a plan for tea or I'll sort tea myself later" etc. he said "it will just have to wait til later / be sorted later" or similar. He did not take explicit ownership of the task.
Hence - I'd have been sorting it myself when I stepped through the door from work.
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:31
I actually think his words were "her tea can wait til later can't it?" I mean I can't recall the exact phrase as I was busy packing things into my bag at my desk at work, but I know he didn't commit to doing it or communicate a plan. And no, he's not a planner. He's a go with the flow person. That's not changing my narrative it's just adding more relevant context.
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:32
justsobloodytired · 26/01/2023 09:25
No she's a teen and pleases herself. Usually microwaves something or has a pot noodle at 9pm 😂
Babyboomtastic · 26/01/2023 09:24
When does get older sister eat dinner btw? I assume they eat together the majority of the time?
So very few family dinners with the 4 of you?
You only sometimes eat dinner with your toddler On the 50% of the month when your husband is home, at the weekends, you sometimes have a family dinner?
Even if your teen does her own thing (which isn't ideal every night), you, husband and toddler could rest together 50% of the time, and just your and toddler for the other 50%, if you were more flexible on schedule. I guess I'm a big believer in family dinners, as they teach kids so much, and it's a time to come together, chat and reconnect as a family.
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