I have a routine for our 4 but when dad takes them out that routine is forgotten and it doesn't bother me as I know the kids are happy either way

I think that i understand the real desire to get a routine as it makes life feel manageble...let this go

I spent sp much time when i had babies and toddlers trying to cling to routines that actually constantly shifted as they grew and changed

In summer would you also like to be able to just chill in the park til 6 if your little one is happy in the sandpit snd there is a cafe selng chips ? Thats the joy of life isnt it ?

Well, it's entirely different because you're not going home with the nursery staff but OK.

I did say 'gently checking up', I don't think it's the end of the world but if you're this attached to the routine, I find it hard to imagine you're not spending your time at work worrying about whether he's sticking to it.

Seems over controlling and precious, so yes YABU.

Op you also need to balance the importance of being 'right' against not overly judging and monitoring your husband and his minor parenting differences.

Teatime was a bit different today...even if you are 'right' ..(and lets face it there is no objective definitive answer to the question your are asking ) ..isnt it worth pulling back a bit and avoiding constant disagreement with your partner who is a loving dad also able to make decisions ...including some lazy or laidback ones thst are not quite what you would do

Parenting is a long journey and you will frive each other mad if you cant accept minor parenting differences ...and I say that as the 'lazier' parent on our own home...i sometimes really feel got at by comments abiut how i could have been more organised etc.

I'd let it go. They're small niggles.

My OH winds me up over his attitude to food for our youngest (same age as yours) and I know I wind him up too! He's healthier than me to be fair!

You're not the 'lead parent' just because you're around more (you sound very nice and I'm sure you're not behaving like you are) so he should parent as he pleases if he's a generally great dad.

I stay at home 3 days a week so sometimes have to remind myself I'm not the 'lead parent' just because I spend more time with the kids than him. He's an equal parent in every way. There's no point in me trying to have everything my way.

I think that women who make all the decisions around kids end up doing more and disempowering their men (who can then become strategically incompetent ...) I make sure my man does grunt work like ordering the kids' clothes, booking activities and liaising around birthday parties. They're not always the clothes I'd choose but it's fine. He's a brilliant dad, he loves being an equal partner and I get to chill!

God, that was a long rambling response! Sorry!

I think you are being a bit precious tbh.

I also think your cousin's a ridiculously early time to have dinner. Far better surely to have it a bit later so you can eat together, and so it gives everyone a bit more flexibility.

We tend to eat about half 5, but it's usually within a 5-6pm window. We have a 3&5yo, and dinner has always been that time (actually more like 6ish when my first was 2).

Why not just switch your snack and dinner?

I assume your don't eat dinner with her at 4pm? Eating together as a family is so important.

Hang on - why is it okay for you to give her tea at 4.30pm and a snack at six, but it's not okay for him to do it the other way around?

OP has already responded to the same question. RTFT

If dc is not even 2 yet, then 4:30 is entirely reasonable for tea and then a snack before 7 pm bedtime. That is a very traditional time frame. Including the snack after the ‘proper meal’. The fallout from not following routine would land on Op and not the dad and the whole point is to establish that bedtime for not only the child but also for the parents to be ‘done’ and be able to rest or do other things.

I really think @ManchesterGirl2 has nailed. My eldest was very routine driven, so much so we deliberately mixed it up a bit. In addition I worked late two evenings a week so wasn't at home at bedtime and my mum would step in. DD used to ask me if it was a mummy day or a grandma day. Two wildly different routines that she was equally happy with.

Hope this helps OP - my husband is v similar in his approach and is more relaxed around timings/meals etc. It used to frustrate me but I have 4 kids and they are sooo adaptable now - any change of routine is zero problem for them and I actually attribute that to him doing things his way and me doing things mine!

@saraclara yeah, she didn't actually answer the question though

Just said she understood the point but it still annoyed her, which makes absolutely no sense.

I tend to follow a routine, I have ADHD so I worry if I don’t follow a routine I will forget something, its of course flexible as insisting something always happens at an exact time is a bit odd and controlling. My husband doesn’t do routine, he doesn’t need to as he won’t forget things. Neither of us is a better parent, we just parent differently.

OP if you’re happy to dictate what food your husband feeds your daughter and at what time, I have to assume you would be happy if he decided you had to change the time you had lunch, or tea etc?

As parents of a 7 yo and 3 yo - with obvious experience of having been parents of 2 year olds twice over - neither me nor my husband would be remotely bothered by what you’ve described. The only way we’ve found a way to survive two people working FT and raising smalls is to be flexible and to largely muddle through and go with the flow. A long to mid term perspective on chips in the car would really help here I think. Many a time ours have been fed this or that at the back of a car and we’ve all somehow survived it as a family and dare I say it - managed to thrive, fingers crossed.

When my kids were little I used to obsess about them not being in a routine when all my friends’ kids were. Then I realised the lack of routine is actually a good thing. It meant the kids were so much more flexible, they didn’t really care when they ate and slept and fitted in with what we were doing socially. And we started family mealtimes eating together so much sooner, which has always been an important thing in our family.

I think you make a rod for your own back being too strict with a routine tbh. I’d be more concerned about only chips for tea, much better to have a home-cooked meal at a slightly different time.

YABU, his way isn’t wrong just because he does things differently to you. Aside from that I would usually expect a two year old to be eating a family meal at home in the evening, even if it’s just a small amount. Nursery tea is usually pretty light(unless your nursery do a proper me at 4pm?), more of a snack tbh.

And yes it makes me anxious when things deviate from that, and also upsets me that I work so hard to keep this in place

Feel free to ignore any other posts then but the overwhelming majority have pointed out the fact deviating from the routine at times will be nothing but helpful as she grows especially as you've conceded she is not impacted by it.

I know change is scary but it's very clear you're keeping the routine for your own anxiety. Remember as she grows the routine will need to change and starting small by it being different when daddy is home is as good a place as any.

That's when I said oh she'll be really hungry, please can you get her some tea while you're out? Again - can you point out the part that is "dictating", as opposed to asking, please? @justsobloodytired

But he has already told you he gave DD a snack because he was planning on giving her dinner when they got back so she wasn’t hungry.
You did insist that he feed her on route because the meal was “late”.